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What is wrong with me re dd coming out as bi

(19 Posts)
thesunwillout Sat 25-Feb-17 18:58:16

I feel like the worst most confused mum and I am just saddened
My dd has had a rotten bloody life,health issues, parent ex dh to be precise dumping her
Me,always totally there for her, on my own but at always there,and now I feel totally shocked. Shocked by my own reaction
I have totally supported her, all the right things and we have talked this over
I respect her, and love her and want only for her to be happy.
One of my best friends is bi sexual, I have gay friends
Why am I sad.
Have searched the Web, and have found some other threads but not truly anyone who feels like this.
Thanks.

thesunwillout Sat 25-Feb-17 20:30:32

Bump

NaturalBlondeYeahRight Sat 25-Feb-17 20:35:30

Hi, felt for you when I read this. Could it just be because we want our kids to have a nice, easy life. Being gay is a lot easier now than it used to be but, lets face it, being straight is more straightforward.
Give yourself a break. No parent can choose their DC life partners anyway. Nothing will change intrinsically. I'm sure everything will be absolutely fine in the long run.

YouMeddlingKids Sat 25-Feb-17 20:35:41

I think it's totally normal to feel like this... If it was a surprise then your sense of who your dd is will have changed a bit, which can feel like a loss. Like maybe you don't know your dd as well as you thought, or she isn't quite who you thought? and maybe your ideas about the future, struggles she might have, etc, etc have changed too. I had all this when a close family member came out, but within a few weeks it was just the new normal and my thoughts and feelings caught up. It's great that you've been able to be supportive while adjusting, you sound like a fab mum!

Grrrrlife Sat 25-Feb-17 20:39:58

This is understandable. You are greiving the person you thought she'd become. If you are worried that she wont go on to have her own permanent relationship and children this isnt necessarily more the case now she identifies as Bi anymore than if she were straight. She is very likely to go on to have a significant relationship/s. Shes only young.
20 years ago my mum felt the same as you. But now i'm married with 2 kids...but it took a while to get there.
Get to know the person she is and support her. Eventually you will get used to it.
The world is changing and its a little bit easier for young bi people than it used to be too...

BlackMirror Sat 25-Feb-17 20:42:02

You sound like a lovely mum. It's normal to feel sad or confused, you're allowed those feelings. You'll both be fine flowers

mrsBeverleygoldberg Sat 25-Feb-17 20:47:32

Maybe we don't want to think of our dcs as sexual? I also agree that we want the easiest life for our dcs. I don't think being lesbian/gay/bi is as big a deal nowadays. At ds1's school (he's 12,) a lesbian couple were out and open about their relationship. They went to sixth form September this school year. No one thought anything of it, according to ds1.

thesunwillout Sat 25-Feb-17 22:19:56

So pleased to see and read your messages,thankyou. I understand more about how I feel now, and am grateful for that, as I was prepared for negatives about my confused reaction. Was concerned about putting myself across properly, I have been mindful of any words in my talks with dd too. It is like finding out and getting to know a new person. Almost a letting go too if that makes sense. She is nearly 15, and had a boyfriend up until recently, and was devastated when he finished it very suddenly. This evening she told me of a girl she likes, so it's all a bit whirlwind here.

Thingsgettingstranger Sun 26-Feb-17 14:09:49

I felt a bit like this when dd15 came out as lesbian last year. I was sad because there is a lot of hostility and homophobia at her school and in our community, but now I can see that she is a strong person and will be just fine. I'm so proud of her and she's doing great.

thesunwillout Sun 26-Feb-17 15:49:19

That makes sense too, I am not sure how well her friends and non friends will react, as she has had severe mental health issues which have made school a war zone. Did you feel confused, I had no idea,as someone up thread asked if it was a complete surprise or not.

Thingsgettingstranger Sun 26-Feb-17 16:00:51

My dd has also suffered mental health problems (eating disorders, depression, self harm etc) which caused people to pick on her. I wasn't confused exactly, just surprised and a bit sad at the thought that she may be picked on more. After that though, I just accepted that this was still my daughter - just being her authentic self.

Grrrrlife Sun 26-Feb-17 17:04:21

There is a young people's charity in brighton that can offer support and advice. I presume they arent local to you, but they might be able to point you and your dd in the right direction.

www.allsortsyouth.org.uk/

thesunwillout Sun 26-Feb-17 18:04:16

Thanks for the link,have bookmarked with a few other sites I have found. My daughter has revealed she is now in a relationship with the girl I spoke of. I feel worried as this girl is also pretty fragile, abuse and self harm issues. Not her fault of course,and I would have the same worry if she was a young man. This is because my daughter has Alot on her plate and is in recovery herself. I am protective. I know I need to trust but my daughter is young in pm many ways.

thesunwillout Tue 28-Feb-17 08:00:14

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eglantine9 Wed 08-Mar-17 09:12:24

Thanks for sharing this. I'm suddenly dealing with a similar issue, but with my son--so here I am searching the internet and forums for some guidance and perspective on why I'm now feeling so emotional about it. I'm almost exactly like you and your situation and I am so angry at myself for being sad. I just don't want his life to be any harder but then I realise that the world is very different. Just trying to process all of it so I can just be there for him and let him just explore his identity. I think lots of teenagers have felt this years in the past, but were never as free to express it as they are now. My main fear is there are labels... labels never do anyone any favours.

thesunwillout Fri 10-Mar-17 08:44:45

Hello, I was relieved to read your post last night, and glad too that you found my thread. You sound as mixed up as me. Feel free to talk here. Sorry this is a short reply but I will be back later. X

eglantine9 Fri 10-Mar-17 17:18:03

Thanks for responding. Yes, definitely feeling conflicted and sad, still, and not entirely sure why! Just glad I'm not alone. smile

Grrrrlife Mon 13-Mar-17 12:31:56

I saw this and thought of this thread (ok its americans and dad's...)
www.gaystarnews.com/article/watch-fathers-tell-their-adult-kids-the-moment-they-knew-they-were-gay/

BunnyChickChocolateEgg Fri 31-Mar-17 20:11:32

Another one here - my DS came out to me last week - along with telling me he is depressed, and has had an anxiety attack (tho he doesn't think those are related to his sexuality, he says he is comfortable about it).

He is in his early 20's, so I feel a bit that I wish he could have told me earlier (but didn't say that of course), but he is generally quite private and shy, so I sort of hope that was why. I wasn't really completely surprised tbh, tho I can't really express why (he looks like a typical rugby player, more than averagely butch!).
But I do feel a bit sad, and don't fully know why. Maybe its partly that he's following a path where I have no knowledge or experience, I worry about people hurting him, though I realise that probably sounds daft when he's an adult! But he's still my child, and I still worry his life will be harder, and that people might say cruel things.

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