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What is wrong with me re dd coming out as bi

(27 Posts)
thesunwillout Sat 25-Feb-17 18:58:16

I feel like the worst most confused mum and I am just saddened
My dd has had a rotten bloody life,health issues, parent ex dh to be precise dumping her
Me,always totally there for her, on my own but at always there,and now I feel totally shocked. Shocked by my own reaction
I have totally supported her, all the right things and we have talked this over
I respect her, and love her and want only for her to be happy.
One of my best friends is bi sexual, I have gay friends
Why am I sad.
Have searched the Web, and have found some other threads but not truly anyone who feels like this.

thesunwillout Sat 25-Feb-17 20:30:32


NaturalBlondeYeahRight Sat 25-Feb-17 20:35:30

Hi, felt for you when I read this. Could it just be because we want our kids to have a nice, easy life. Being gay is a lot easier now than it used to be but, lets face it, being straight is more straightforward.
Give yourself a break. No parent can choose their DC life partners anyway. Nothing will change intrinsically. I'm sure everything will be absolutely fine in the long run.

YouMeddlingKids Sat 25-Feb-17 20:35:41

I think it's totally normal to feel like this... If it was a surprise then your sense of who your dd is will have changed a bit, which can feel like a loss. Like maybe you don't know your dd as well as you thought, or she isn't quite who you thought? and maybe your ideas about the future, struggles she might have, etc, etc have changed too. I had all this when a close family member came out, but within a few weeks it was just the new normal and my thoughts and feelings caught up. It's great that you've been able to be supportive while adjusting, you sound like a fab mum!

Grrrrlife Sat 25-Feb-17 20:39:58

This is understandable. You are greiving the person you thought she'd become. If you are worried that she wont go on to have her own permanent relationship and children this isnt necessarily more the case now she identifies as Bi anymore than if she were straight. She is very likely to go on to have a significant relationship/s. Shes only young.
20 years ago my mum felt the same as you. But now i'm married with 2 kids...but it took a while to get there.
Get to know the person she is and support her. Eventually you will get used to it.
The world is changing and its a little bit easier for young bi people than it used to be too...

BlackMirror Sat 25-Feb-17 20:42:02

You sound like a lovely mum. It's normal to feel sad or confused, you're allowed those feelings. You'll both be fine flowers

mrsBeverleygoldberg Sat 25-Feb-17 20:47:32

Maybe we don't want to think of our dcs as sexual? I also agree that we want the easiest life for our dcs. I don't think being lesbian/gay/bi is as big a deal nowadays. At ds1's school (he's 12,) a lesbian couple were out and open about their relationship. They went to sixth form September this school year. No one thought anything of it, according to ds1.

thesunwillout Sat 25-Feb-17 22:19:56

So pleased to see and read your messages,thankyou. I understand more about how I feel now, and am grateful for that, as I was prepared for negatives about my confused reaction. Was concerned about putting myself across properly, I have been mindful of any words in my talks with dd too. It is like finding out and getting to know a new person. Almost a letting go too if that makes sense. She is nearly 15, and had a boyfriend up until recently, and was devastated when he finished it very suddenly. This evening she told me of a girl she likes, so it's all a bit whirlwind here.

Thingsgettingstranger Sun 26-Feb-17 14:09:49

I felt a bit like this when dd15 came out as lesbian last year. I was sad because there is a lot of hostility and homophobia at her school and in our community, but now I can see that she is a strong person and will be just fine. I'm so proud of her and she's doing great.

thesunwillout Sun 26-Feb-17 15:49:19

That makes sense too, I am not sure how well her friends and non friends will react, as she has had severe mental health issues which have made school a war zone. Did you feel confused, I had no idea,as someone up thread asked if it was a complete surprise or not.

Thingsgettingstranger Sun 26-Feb-17 16:00:51

My dd has also suffered mental health problems (eating disorders, depression, self harm etc) which caused people to pick on her. I wasn't confused exactly, just surprised and a bit sad at the thought that she may be picked on more. After that though, I just accepted that this was still my daughter - just being her authentic self.

Grrrrlife Sun 26-Feb-17 17:04:21

There is a young people's charity in brighton that can offer support and advice. I presume they arent local to you, but they might be able to point you and your dd in the right direction.

thesunwillout Sun 26-Feb-17 18:04:16

Thanks for the link,have bookmarked with a few other sites I have found. My daughter has revealed she is now in a relationship with the girl I spoke of. I feel worried as this girl is also pretty fragile, abuse and self harm issues. Not her fault of course,and I would have the same worry if she was a young man. This is because my daughter has Alot on her plate and is in recovery herself. I am protective. I know I need to trust but my daughter is young in pm many ways.

thesunwillout Tue 28-Feb-17 08:00:14


eglantine9 Wed 08-Mar-17 09:12:24

Thanks for sharing this. I'm suddenly dealing with a similar issue, but with my son--so here I am searching the internet and forums for some guidance and perspective on why I'm now feeling so emotional about it. I'm almost exactly like you and your situation and I am so angry at myself for being sad. I just don't want his life to be any harder but then I realise that the world is very different. Just trying to process all of it so I can just be there for him and let him just explore his identity. I think lots of teenagers have felt this years in the past, but were never as free to express it as they are now. My main fear is there are labels... labels never do anyone any favours.

thesunwillout Fri 10-Mar-17 08:44:45

Hello, I was relieved to read your post last night, and glad too that you found my thread. You sound as mixed up as me. Feel free to talk here. Sorry this is a short reply but I will be back later. X

eglantine9 Fri 10-Mar-17 17:18:03

Thanks for responding. Yes, definitely feeling conflicted and sad, still, and not entirely sure why! Just glad I'm not alone. smile

Grrrrlife Mon 13-Mar-17 12:31:56

I saw this and thought of this thread (ok its americans and dad's...)

BunnyChickChocolateEgg Fri 31-Mar-17 20:11:32

Another one here - my DS came out to me last week - along with telling me he is depressed, and has had an anxiety attack (tho he doesn't think those are related to his sexuality, he says he is comfortable about it).

He is in his early 20's, so I feel a bit that I wish he could have told me earlier (but didn't say that of course), but he is generally quite private and shy, so I sort of hope that was why. I wasn't really completely surprised tbh, tho I can't really express why (he looks like a typical rugby player, more than averagely butch!).
But I do feel a bit sad, and don't fully know why. Maybe its partly that he's following a path where I have no knowledge or experience, I worry about people hurting him, though I realise that probably sounds daft when he's an adult! But he's still my child, and I still worry his life will be harder, and that people might say cruel things.

SJane45S Mon 12-Jun-17 17:10:39

Not sure if you're still reading your replies to this but as the others have said, very normal & ok to acknowledge to yourself! I think it's a mixture of worrying about how society will treat your child (especially if they've already had a rough time) & a change to any vision you may have had about how their life would turn out to be. It's just a transition stage & you'll soon get your head around your DDs future being different but not lesser.

I'm not ancient but going on what I see, the new generation have a much more fluid approach to their sexuality. My DD has gone from being a lesbian at 15 to what she now at 22 refers to as Pan Sexual with very definite ideas about monogamy etc. Just roll with it (even when you feel it all sounds a bit complicated!). It's their journey.

CondensedMilkSarnies Mon 12-Jun-17 17:35:31

I'm in the same situation Op although DD19 hasn't announced that she's bi , she just came home with a young woman who is lesbian and as time went on I realised that they are in a relationship. DD has only had boyfriends up to this point. She has also had a rough ride and I see her as quite emotionally needy.

I've tried to think of it like this ( I'm not very good at explaining things in writing so hope you catch my drift)

If DD came home with a young man I would be hopeful that he treated her well , was respectful etc etc . What they do behind closed doors is none of my business. I'm only interested in her being happy with her companion.

I look at her girlfriend the same , it's none of my business what they do behind closed doors and so all I'm worried about is that they are happy.

I see it as whether she sleeps with men or women , that part of a relationship is none of my business so all I'm interested in is whether she's being loved and treated well and happy.

Not a great explanation but I know what I mean confused.

I've also been told that youngsters these days are quite fluid with their sexuality.

Italiangreyhound Sat 17-Jun-17 15:16:55

Lots of good advice here. Especially like condensedmilksarnies thoughts.

It's ok to not feel ok but just don't pass that on to her, which I feel sure you will not do a anyway.

Maybe, being fragile your dd feels safer with another girl. Hopefully, if it works for her she will feel less fragile.and if it Doran't work for her, she will gently move on.

Keep the lines of communication open all the time. Just keep loving and supporting her.

You sound like a brilliant mum. smile

bltandanicecupoftea Mon 10-Jul-17 13:43:09

I'm sort of in the same eldest DD(14) has just come out to us as pansexual which has given our youngest DD(12) the courage to come out as gay. Both have had crushes on boys and both now seem to have a crush on a girl. They're both in all girl schools.

We have been supportive to them, reassured them that we support them etc.

DH is very calm and logical, saying that whatever they are is fine and it may well change over the next few years.

Logically I totally agree with him. Emotionally I am a wreck. I can't stop crying and am totally confused. DH reckons the support in schools now perhaps leads them to define themselves in one particular way when actually they're still developing and maybe don't really know yet.

I don't want to weep all the time around them but I'm struggling to keep a lid on it. I've made an appointment with my doctor to see what help/advice they can give me for me. I'm peri menopausal and emotionally/mentally all over the place with that. This feels like it has tipped me over the edge & I want it all to stop.

becotide Mon 10-Jul-17 13:46:41

If one of my kids comes out as bi, gay, or transgender, I would be sad. I want their lives to be easy, I want them to fit in, and make friends and not be a target for bullies.

Like it or not, people with non-heteronormative sex or gender do come in for a lot of flak. I don't want that for my kid.

SJane45S Mon 10-Jul-17 14:13:33

bltand anicecupoftea, your DH is right - it all may very well change. My DD (now 22) had no support 7 years ago from her school but personally in terms of influence I think that perhaps that the media and influential figures are playing a big part in how the teenage/twentysomething generation are defining themselves. A lot of 'stars' are identifying themselves as pansexual - or even last week 'gay..but without the physical act' (! - Andrew Garfield). I know that I felt really really sad too - as above, it's a lot to do with fear they'll be stigmatised but also loss of who you might think they would become. If it helps, I felt similarly sad when my eldest DD didn't go off to University, unlike the majority of her friends. It will take a little time to get your head around so go a bit easier on yourself. It soon becomes the new norm and both your DD's may turn out to be gay, bisexual or straight in 10-20 years time. Who knows? They probably don't! As above, my DD did identify as being a lesbian at 15, she's now living with her girlfriend and one other girl (not a threesome apparently, it's a 'triad' - who knew?!) and seeing a male PHD student as well. She seems happy and however messy & rather complicated I might think all of the above is, it's her life. Try to take a backstep and just be there.

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