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Found diary entry and daughter thinks she is transexual

(66 Posts)
897654321abcvrufhfgg Mon 06-Feb-17 16:53:23

I am absolutely in a state of shock and heartbroken. Daughter left her diary open (possibly intentionally??) and I saw the words "my breasts sicken me" and I couldn't stop reading. She spoke about how she had always felt like a boy internally and since puberty hit she has disgusted at herself and her body. She mentioned feeling like this since 7. She then describes having befriended someone online who is just like her and she has been confiding in. She talks about being how called her name and "daughter" and "sister" makes her cry in the toilets.
For a bit of background she has always chosen more male gendered toys, clothes, colours etc. Even used to ask to be a boy as a young child and all her friends were boys till about 10. She has always been secretive and private but when puberty hit 18m ago it became unbeareable. She refused to wear a bra till 6m ago, wouldn't shave armpits and has never asked for sanitary products so I have just put in her draw. About 12m ago she started wearing loads of make up and then suddenly stopped in about October. She wears baggy shirts and trousers and won't wear a bra at the weekend. She has become ridiculously private spending all her time in her room and has now begun to shut her door properly to go to bed (not had door shut since a baby as scared of dark)
She cries about everything. I don't know what to do. I cannot tell my hubbie as he will be heartbroken as she is a real daddy's girl. I am just so fearful for all of our futures, especially hers. She is extremely intelligent (Oxford uni sort of clever and gets full marks in everything) but I just see her future as ruined as she will spend her life being judged and alone. She is the sort of person who is very shy so willnot cope with being stared at if she becomes known as male. I literally am broken and do not know what to do next. To top it all include df I am worried that about this new "friend" as the bit of research I have done seems to suggest he (bale was mentioned in diary) is very vocal on lots of gender dysmorphia sites and tells everyone how wonderful his life is as a F2M.

897654321abcvrufhfgg Mon 06-Feb-17 16:55:13

She is 13 by the way

MsHoneyBee Mon 06-Feb-17 17:11:05

It's 2017! She will not be judged or alone. Yes by a few, but not by most.
What's important is that she knows that you support her and that she can go through the journey (if she wants to) in a safe and secure way.

Be gentle with introducing conversation and for god's sake don't mention the diary. Try complimenting her appearance in her baby clothes etc. Scout out some trans article and bring it up in a 'isn't this interesting, isn't it great how much support they have?' kind of way. Or even just a 'is everything alright/ you know you can talk to me' kind of chat.

When she's ready she will let it out and you can take it from there. Nothing permanent can be done right now anyway so there's no need to panic!

As hard as it is for you, it's harder for her, and she will need her mum to be there for her. smile

MsHoneyBee Mon 06-Feb-17 17:11:37

Baggy clothes....Not baby clothes...:D

897654321abcvrufhfgg Mon 06-Feb-17 17:30:36

Thanks. Where we live and the friends she has I am not sure she will be supported. I appreciate its 2017 but having asked my eldest son he said there r 2 gay girls in the 6 th form but they are pretty reclusive and everyone in rest of school (but not the 6th form) thinks they r hilarious.😢 In my mind being gay and being trans are so far from each other it's unreal. I am also worried that info on internet and a talk at school has helped her decide. I too have always had body issues and hated my breasts (didn't wear a bra till 15) and was what they called a "tomboy" till I was in 6 th form but being gay or trans never crossed my mind as there was no info on it then.

MsHoneyBee Mon 06-Feb-17 18:03:21

I suppose 13 is an awkward age to be. I suppose it's up to the both of you whether she'd be able to handle a few childish jokes. But hey, not so long those 2 girls would not be out at all!

Like I said, nothings going to happen immediately anyway. Despite what some sites ahem would have you believe, you can't just rock up to the docs at 13 to have your bits chopped up. Either she'll change her mind or she won't. Worst case scenario is that you aren't there for her either way.

Didn't mean to sound harsh, you sound V caring and I know you just want the best. Xx

birdbandit Mon 06-Feb-17 18:05:35

Great resource here:

www.transgendertrend.com/resources-for-parents/

RebelRogue Mon 06-Feb-17 18:25:02

First of all stop pushing on her all the things she hates about being a girl. If she doesn't want to wear a bra,she doesn't have to,especially at hime(school might have rules). She doesn't have to shave,many women don't. Sanitary products are fine as I'm sure she'd rather keep clean.
Clothes,no makeup etc she can pick whatever she wants. It doesn't matter! She can even dress in the "boys" department if she wants.
So many people felt forced into being trans because they didn't fit the box society told them to fit.
Second,if she does open up to you,try and figure out whether she hates being a girl And all the things that come with it or she wants to be a boy. They are very different things and easily confused .

Msqueen33 Mon 06-Feb-17 18:37:41

Your child is still the same bright person. I get what you mean you just want to protect your dc and keep them safe and as close to normal so they're protected (I have two dc with autism). But she needs to know you're there for her. Phase or not she needs your support and understanding. Let her know she can talk to you and like above maybe share some trans articles. And let her dress in whatever clothes she is comfortable with.

Iggi999 Mon 06-Feb-17 18:41:44

Have you told her you had very similar feelings yourself around puberty? She might find this reassuring.

MiddleGround Mon 06-Feb-17 18:50:24

How many more parents have to suffer from this hysterical illusion that rapid onset gender dysphoria is real - it is not it - is an illusion perpetuated by social media and special interest groups that is destroying young people and their families. It is heartbreaking to read of so many families being affected by this madness and it is time for parents to stand up and say STOP - the medicalisation and sterilisation of vulnerable and suggestible young people is ethically and morally wrong.

Cakingbad Mon 06-Feb-17 18:51:56

Iggi makes a good point. Tell her that you were the same. There are things she dislikes about the trappings of femininity. Doesn't mean she has to go down the trans "journey".
There was a good article in the Guardian about a trans man who regretted it and has gone back to being a woman.
I think you are getting ahead of things. Her diary is just a snapshot of how she felt on one day. 13 year olds are very up and down. Don't encourage her to rush into anything. It's scary for you though flowers.

Cakingbad Mon 06-Feb-17 18:57:25

This is the Guardian article:
www.theguardian.com/lifeandstyle/2017/feb/03/experience-i-regret-transitioning
Maybe you could leave it lying around.

ageingrunner Mon 06-Feb-17 18:57:31

4thwavenow.com/2016/01/07/a-gay-boy-in-a-girls-body-desists-guest-post/

4thwavenow.com/2016/01/18/teen-decides-shes-not-trans-after-all-but-struggles-with-peer-pressure/

Hi op, some links for you. Both by parents whose teen daughters identified as trans but then changer their minds. You need to get to the bottom of what's causing this. There's no such thing as being born in the wrong body, but there may be many reasons why your daughter wishes she wasn't female. With your support, she can work through this.

WhereYouLeftIt Mon 06-Feb-17 19:08:42

"She then describes having befriended someone online who is just like her and she has been confiding in."
That set my alarm bells off. She is being groomed online by a stranger. She is 13 , what age is this stranger?

Puberty is a scary and confusing time. And the gender stereotypes are shoved down teenagers' throats by social (and other) media. Nobody conforms to these stereotypes, and anyone who is already a bit pissed off with being pigeonholed in an obviously ill-fitting box - well, the answer being shoved at them is 'maybe you're trans' instead of the far more accurate 'the stereotypes are wrong and should be rejected'. Not that long ago hating your newly-growing breasts was taken as a sign you feared the impending responsibilities of adulthood, not that you therefore must really be a man sad.

MiddleGround Mon 06-Feb-17 19:12:44

Watch this video to see the impact of how "normalising" transgender and gender dysphoria can have life changing effects on young people: www.youtube.com/watch?feature=youtu.be&v=Q3-r7ttcw6c&app=desktop

WhereYouLeftIt Mon 06-Feb-17 19:25:24

As an aside - "wouldn't shave armpits" - I see that as a conversation starter.

AFAIK it is a mainly UK/US habit, as a teenager on a continental beach I saw that French and Italian women did not shave. I stopped shaving then, and in my 50's I still don't. Maybe have a casual conversation about how this has been pointed out to you, you started to shave because at that age you thought you were supposed to, but thinking of it now you wonder why you still do it. Maybe try to lead the conversation onto what other gendered things you've accepted over the years (how you dress, do your hair, make-up, job expectations) and how you're glad that maybe her generation won't be as pressured as your generation to conform to stereotype. (They are actually pressured more in my opinion, but you're trying to open a conversation here.)

I think it would be good for her to feel she can talk to you about this, that maybe you'd be receptive to her talking about it.

Pleasejustgetdressed Mon 06-Feb-17 19:30:30

Oh Lord. Mumsnet has a vocal minority with, ah, decided views on trans issues (it's a mental illness/ a plot to take over women's sport/ a way for men to fetishise their own bodies/ a way for men to sneak into our loos). Probably best steered clear of.

Having said that, no harm in reminding her that being female bodied doesn't mean she has to wear skirts or date men or take up baking.

Do you think you could take advantage of all the newly named gender identities and syggest that she might be genderqueer or genderfluid or somesuch? Something that will present a set of actions that stop a long way short of surgery as being appropriately sophisticated and tumblr-y. Talk about male clitorises and chestfeeding and the difference between being aro and ace...

Okay, so this is way too expensive and old for her, but maybe show her to show how powerful clothes can be?
thebutchclothingcompany.co.uk/

These guys will give a properly unfeminine haircut.

m.facebook.com/openbarbers/#!/openbarbers/

museumum Mon 06-Feb-17 19:36:34

In my opinion I'd be telling her your body is just your body, not who you are. You don't need to dress or groom it in any particular way.
Wear what you're comfortable in and it's totally fine to wear unisex clothing.
Puberty is tough but she will come through it. No decisions need to be made in a rush about how to deal with these feelings.

picklemepopcorn Mon 06-Feb-17 19:44:39

Thirteen is really young to make permanent decisions about her future. I would back off on all gendered stuff, make up, bras, girly clothes, and let her be as masculine as she wishes. There are loads of reasons to feel very unhappy with a female body, not only being trans. I still hate a lot about my female body, but not because I want to be male.
Try and find some general mental health counselling for her. Not trans counselling, general. Something that will help with her sadness and confusion.
I don't want to minimise her and your distress, but I wanted to be a nun when I was thirteen. confused

Pleasejustgetdressed Mon 06-Feb-17 19:58:44

Check out this blog too:

askatomboy.blogspot.co.uk

Lots of good advice by someone who defines as a genderfluid lesbian.

RebelRogue Mon 06-Feb-17 20:28:23

When i was 13-14 i really really wanted to be a boy. Because the world was really unfair to girls. Because i always got in trouble, for behaviour that was ok for boys,because i was a girl.
I hated my boobs,because once they started growing my male best friend stopped being my best friend,and was instead a creep. Because boys and men were always looking or trying to touch. Because they were uncomfortable and so out there.
I hated shaving because it was itchy and uncomfortable and because i kept being told i had to. Because while I didn't want to do it and told myself it didn't matter,i also felt ashamed and embarrassed by it.
Not to mention periods,the awful cramps,the worry about staining,the constant checks and feeling wet and weird and uncomfortable.
I felt I should've been a boy,and hating being born a girl because my behaviour,my thoughts,my actions were "boy like", and were fine for a boy. But i was a girl so it was wrong.

reallyanotherone Mon 06-Feb-17 20:38:20

I agree with those who say she doesn't have to wear a bra or shave. When you use words like "won't" or "wouldn't", it sounds like you expect her to, and think refusing to is going against her "femaleness".

let her do and dress how she wants. Baggy clothes are fine. No bra is fine.

BroomstickOfLove Mon 06-Feb-17 20:52:53

Pleasejustgetdressed, those suits are gorgeous!

Jenniferb21 Mon 06-Feb-17 21:00:05

Sorry you are going through this I would be heartbroken firstly because of the thought of losing my little girl. The most important thing for her to know though is that you'll support her no matter what.

I wouldn't be the grown up here tell her you saw her diary open and read it and you understand. Tell her that you'll be there for her no matter what happens.

Then I would seek help from her GP and get some counselling for her. At this age it may be a phase of uncertainty rather than a definite wish to become a boy. Counselling will help her understand her emotions and will make her feel listened to and cared for.

Go from there and just support her in every way you can. Remember it's okay to be upset yourself and you may need some professional help too.

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