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20 year old son suddenly trans - help please

(7 Posts)
user1484455234 Sun 15-Jan-17 05:15:35

I am new to this website but need to reach out and ask for help/advice particularly on this thread. My 20 (almost 21) year old dyspraxic son announced over Christmas that he is trans. He has asked me to call him by his new preferred name and use the pronoun "she" or "they". This has come as a huge shock as he has never shown any inclination in this way until he met up with some individuals both at university and via online forums. I do not know how to respond to this revelation and recently watched the BBC Transgender Kids programme - subsequently have done significant surfing and found this whole topic to be full of contradictions and terrifying narratives from both sides of the continuum. I am now even more confused as I know the child I gave birth to is very gullible, vulnerable and easily manipulated - what should I do? Help please

WhereTheFuckIsMyFuckingCoat Sun 15-Jan-17 05:32:17

Hi, I'm sorry I don't have any experience (direct) in this particular circumstance, but I'd like to say that you've done the right thing in the first instance by doing research.

I think you can only really stand by your son, and support him in his decisions. If this is something he has been influenced into doing, then it won't last. Has he started dressing differently?

Do you think he would be open to seeing a counsellor, just to talk through his feelings?

user1484455234 Sun 15-Jan-17 05:36:49

He has been trying to get counselling for pre-existing anxiety and associated mental health issues but the university waiting list is ridiculously long - I think he found "acceptance" and "understanding" within the groups who seem to have some sort of agenda i.e. they advised him to go straight away into full on transitioning using hormone drugs from the internet - he has stated quite categorically that he does not wish to transition in this way but has admitted that he once wore a dress as part of a cosplay event. He has been taught what to say to the GP and has somehow managed to get referred to a GIC - I am beside myself with worry

user1484455234 Sun 15-Jan-17 06:27:50

I actually called the Samaritans during the night to try and get some perspective, the person offered no support whatsoever and was very evasive about the whole issues - he then went on to refer me to Switchboard - I asked if this organisation was gender affirming - to which he responded yes - at this point I put the phone down as I would prefer to speak to a "neutral" individual - seeing my GP on Monday.....

Stopmakingsense Sun 15-Jan-17 09:22:45

Hello user - we fell down this rabbit hole 6 months ago with our 18yr old. It is a nightmare. On the one hand there is a small possibility that your son is suffering from gender dysphoria and that hormones/ surgery may ultimately be the answer. From what you have said, however, it could be another manifestation of his anxiety / fitting in etc- it's a really complex issue. I feel like I am always suggesting this but could your son be on the autistic spectrum as well as having dyspraxia? We think this is root of my daughter's anxiety, and that the gender identity difficulties arise from that - rigid thinking, difficulty identifying her own feelings etc. It is fantastic that your son is open and honest with you about what is happening, so you need to hold on to that. I too am afraid that there is cult-like behaviour out there. I would try and encourage him to continue to address his anxiety - going to the gp for this rather than counselling through the university. The gender clinic waiting lists are quite long, so in some respects that is ok. There is a lot of good advice on other threads too - but there isn't one answer and I am still completely floored by it all. You are not alone. I would go and see your gp too for help for you. I also think the more the medical profession see and hear what is happening to vulnerable adolescents the better (being coached to say the right thing, for example).

user1484455234 Sun 15-Jan-17 13:03:28

Thankyou for sharing Stopmakingsense, I sometimes think I am losing my mind with all this out of the blue weirdness. Yes I do think my son may be on the autistic spectrum - he has even indicated that he would also like to be tested for ADHD etc - in many ways it seems he is looking for a diagnosis to explain who he is - a very bright articulate and sensitive person who is on the verge of ditching his lifelong school friends (who are lovely by the way) in favour of his newly acquired university "family". The more I read, the more I become fearful of this destructive and divisive cult style behaviour - I do not understand their agenda and can't wait till my son graduates later this year and returns home - maybe I can get my son back again as to see him struggle with this is just heartbreaking.

Prawnofthepatriarchy Sat 11-Feb-17 20:50:50

I can point you to some resources if you want. I don't know how many sites and blogs you're aware of. There's 4th Wave Now which is for the parents of kids caught up in the gender cult. There's Youth Transcritical Professionals which offers a take on the issue from the perspective of a range of different professionals. There are loads more. If you'd be interested I have quite a few resources to share.

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