DD 'came out' to me yesterday - whole new slant on teen sleepover - advice

[Henduckgoose]

My 14YO DD came out to me yesterday, I had an inkling for a couple of weeks due to recent relationship with a friend. My view is as long as she is happy and whoever she is in a relationship with treats her with kindness and respect then I am happy too. Ok honestly, I am still struggling a little with it in my head :-S but so much of the difficulties over the last 18 months or so are now starting to make some sense. She has self-harmed - seem to be over that now, with help and support from counselling service. Phases of depression, she definitely seems much happier in herself and is telling me she is very happy.
So all positive... but what to do about the sleepover thing? She confessed to being in a relationship with girl who slept over this weekend. I am thinking, if it was a boy then I wouldn't let them sleep in same room at this age. I would definitely have some boundaries - we also have DS 8yo and DD6yo so I have to also consider them. So thinking we need some boundaries. Just because she can't get pregnant, doesn't mean she doesn't need protecting from things that emotionally she may not be ready for. Finding it so hard to focus on anything today

[freetrampolineforall]

I think I would say no to sleepovers because it simply means something different if the person she's sleeping over with is her girlfriend. I would say that if it was her boyfriend and she must understand why. It's not just about getting pregnant it's about intense emotional involvement that she is not mature enough to handle at 14.

[Henduckgoose]

thank you, good advice. Lots of reading for me tonight!

[StepAwayFromTheThesaurus]

I think it makes a difference whether it's just ordinary friends or girlfriends staying over. It seems unfair to ban all sleepovers at 14.

[Henduckgoose]

she has just come in from school and asked if she can go on holiday with her girlfriend and her parents.. feel like I need to jump off the merry-go-round and put on the brakes. I am told that the girlfriends parents know that their daughter is gay but I have only met them a handful of times and strangely it didn't crop up in the conversation...why would it. It feels like now that she has announced this I am having to get my head around so much so quickly and where did I put that manual that I got when she was born?? AIBU to need some time to give a considered response? I want her to feel like she can talk to me and I wont be shocked, but underneath it all I AM and have no experience of this

[madmother1]

Can I just say. At 14, she is very young and may not actually be gay. I remember a long time ago at that age having intense feelings for other girls. Not sure what to advise as she's so young. Tell her you love her but need a bit of time and also your DD needs to slow down a bit. Well done for being a great Mum.

[freetrampolineforall]

Speak to the girlfriend's parents. You would do anyway if they are going on holiday.
Have a think about what you would want your daughter to conduct herself if it were a boyfriend. As pp have said there are practical considerations like STI s as well as emotional considerations. If the girlfriend's parents are ok with them having sex it doesn't mean you have to be.

[nooka]

My dd is bisexual (has only had relationships with girls so far though), so following some advice here she'd not be allowed any friends to stay overnight which would be a bit unfair. She is almost 16 now, but her first relationship was when she was 14 and so we had a bit of a think about it then and decided we'd be take the same approach for a heterosexual relationship, ie no room sharing overnight.

Now she is older we've talked about it a bit more and all agreed that until the relationship is a bit more established (she has a new girlfriend) it's probably best not to have an overnight visit, just because they are both young and taking things slow seems a good idea. dd is on board with this though.

The biggest complication with homosexual relationships is how friends and families see them. dd's first girlfriend was hiding being a lesbian from her parents, and her current one has a bit of added pressure from their friends thinking it is super cool that they are dating and being a bit over involved.

I'd be a bit concerned about a holiday together when the relationship is so new and they are so young. Lots of potential for things to go wrong. At the least I'd want to know the parents and their feelings about the girls dating.

[StepAwayFromTheThesaurus]

I think the holiday with her girlfriend's family is a different issue to ordinary sleep overs with friends. I don't think I'd be comfortable with that given they're so young and it isn't just a friendship.

Two of my best friends at school were gay and it would have been awful of their parents had banned sleepovers outright. They were just ordinary girls with ordinary friendships outside of any romantic relationships they might have. So it's important to differentiate. Most of our social life as teenagers revolved around sleepovers.

[Henduckgoose]

It is now apparent that girlfriends mother doesn't know, or at least they haven't had the conversation. She thinks her Dad knows.
So the family holiday is out of the question I think. Seeing my DD reaction to any hesitation I have, she is demonstrating the infatuation and intensity that you feel with first love.

[Iggii]

Did your dd talk to you about how far their physical relationship had gone? Though actually even if nothing's happened yet a sleepover is obviously leading that way.

[nooka]

I'd definitely not OK the holiday idea than OP. It could be very difficult for your dd if things don't go well. Can you offer her something like a weekend visit with the friend later in the summer to reduce the upset?

[Henduckgoose]

no she hasn't talked to me about how far things have gone. It seems like it has all happened quite quickly (to me anyway) but I get the feeling that it is physical and not just a romantic thing. Seeing them together I sensed it even before she told me - although she has only visited our house twice! Maybe I am over worrying? So I think I should have that conversation with her - as awkward as she will find it, and discuss the ramifications of the physical relationship and my concerns over whether she is prepared for that. I know she will think she is of course as she is a strong willed young woman, although sensible too. I am so proud of her, and seeing her unburdened like this is a real joy; all mixed up with fear and worry. Welcome to parenting I guess...NOTHING prepares you! Thanks for all the messages of support - this is SUCH a great support network

[harderandharder2breathe]

Please don't ban all sleepovers! Gay people can have friends of the same sex too! I've shared a bed with my female best friend on holiday and it's nothing remotely odd or sexual about it! It's totally not the same as sharing a bed with my girlfriend

You are however justified in not allowed gf to sleep over, just as you wouldn't allow a bf to sleep over m. Yes she can't get pregnant but there is STI risk still and the emotional impact of having sex at that age

The holiday I'm not sure about... But she's your child and if you're not comfortable then definitely say no. She is a child, it's ok not to condone her having sex with anyone

[OhSoVintage]

Wish I had jumped on this forum a few years ago. My daughters came out as Bi sexual at 14. She's now Pansexual as she's had a Transexual Boyfriend (only just got my head around what that even means!)

Oh the complications of sleep overs, other parents not knowing and we had added complications of an all girls boarding house!

I think we should all be immensely proud of our teens and our parenting, that they feel comfortable enough in themselves and with us to come out and tell us.

The last thing I wanted to do was make her feel punished by setting out rules and boundaries that would make her wish she hadn't told me.

She's almost 17 now and sleep overs are fine but I set up a bed in the guest room for bed time. I don't make a big deal out of it and I try to make out its because you are getting older and all need your space (even though I think she knows its not that!) We have the luxury of a spare room however.

[medisnet]

I think she is lucky to have a mother who is trying hard to understand her and make the best parenting decisions for the benefit of her daughter.
There is another angle to it, and is the 'closet' side of things. It can be emotionally difficult to have to pretend that they are just friends, and if she let something slips she could cause a lot of trouble and feel bad about it.
It could also make her think that their relationship is 'wrong', maybe you need to support her with that side as well.