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Please help me understand....

(5 Posts)
momb Mon 25-Jan-16 17:59:01

What does feeling like a boy or a girl mean?

I'm struggling with the news that my eldest child (previously gay female) is identifying non-binary because they don't feel like a girl or a boy.

Has asked to change their name. Has revealed that they have deliberately put on weight to look less feminine (though is very sad about stretch marks at 16).

I don't really believe in gender conformation. I never dressed my child up in frills, just practical clothes in whatever colourways and rarely pink or pale blue. I am not a girly girl

I'm concerned that non-binary in this context appears to be dressing and behaving as a stereotyped teenage boy (complete with burping and farting). I'm concerned that they can't explain to me what not being a girl or a boy means given that we are in agreement that as a girl there is nothing one can't do or say or wear and that there should be no difference.

My child is also depressed/anxious and medicated as well as going through a stressful GCSE year. Is the depression driving the search for a label for them being on the margins of their peer group or are their gender issues driving the depression?

...and I'm putting my foot in it all the time with the gender neutral pronouns as I just do not get it. Apparently this is adding to their stress. I just want them to be happy, or if not happy then stable.

Please help me.

momb Mon 25-Jan-16 18:01:37

..pressed post before editing. When I say girly girl I mean in the sterotyped sense in that I am short haired, betrousered, comfortable shoes, outdoor interests etc. My child does not have any reason to believe that it is necessary to be groomed polished made-up to be a woman.

Shallishanti Mon 25-Jan-16 18:08:55

I'm sorry I can't help you understand because I would be seeing things the same way myself. My instinct would be that they are looking for a label. No suggestions, sorry other than go with it as long as nothing irrevocable is proposed. I think that's the good thing about 'non binary', they are less likely to tie themselves down. Good luck.

momb Tue 26-Jan-16 14:16:19

Bumping in case anyone with experience in this area can help my understanding. Thanks

FourStarDragonBall Sat 30-Jan-16 14:02:38

I don't think they're trying to label themselves but recognising what he get category they fir into I know that it's going to be hard for you to understand but the best ways to make it easier would be to go into YouTube and watch people talk about their experiences or go and speak to a doctor about trans* and how it works, and ultimately ask them how about it and how non binary feels to them, they will appreciate it so much I promise you. They're most likely being stereotypically boyish as it is easier for them to be perceived as female and male is a lot more neutral But you shouldn't worry about it too much, just let them know that you're there when they need you

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