Advice for dealing with schools re trans child

(367 Posts)

MNHQ have commented on this thread.

IamMrsElf Fri 15-Jan-16 12:06:06

My Trans DD is due to start school in September. I was wondering if anyone else has enrolled a trans child or has a trans child at school, what are your experiences and advice?

I'm just not sure what to expect or how to deal with it all.

I do have a child at the school currently, so I know the teachers and the school. Some of the staff are aware and so far my interactions with them have been positive.

I feel apprehensive for my DD and just want some thoughts and advice from those that have been there.

SeekEveryEveryKnownHidingPlace Fri 15-Jan-16 12:09:56

due to start school as in the child is 4?

Pain1 Fri 15-Jan-16 12:12:10

How old is your child?

ItsAllGoingToBeFine Fri 15-Jan-16 12:13:44

Do you mean primary school? If so I don't see it being an issue, I think everything in early primary school (toilets etc) are unisex aren't they? Little kids probably won't even notice/care though an eye would need to be kept on the older ones.

The only thing that immediately comes to mind is the "my body" topic which they do in Scottish schools (I assume there is similar in English/welsh schools) where the differences between boys and girls are described/labeled. I don't know if you'd want to consider withdrawing DD from that?

I don't have a trans child, but I am a parent.

ItsAllGoingToBeFine Fri 15-Jan-16 12:13:54

Do you mean primary school? If so I don't see it being an issue, I think everything in early primary school (toilets etc) are unisex aren't they? Little kids probably won't even notice/care though an eye would need to be kept on the older ones.

The only thing that immediately comes to mind is the "my body" topic which they do in Scottish schools (I assume there is similar in English/welsh schools) where the differences between boys and girls are described/labeled. I don't know if you'd want to consider withdrawing DD from that?

I don't have a trans child, but I am a parent.

IamMrsElf Fri 15-Jan-16 13:03:09

DD will be 4 soon, so is starting Primary School in September

The toilets at the school are unisex so that shouldn't be a problem.

I have discussed (with the help of an age appropriate book) the differences between boys and girls bodies with her at home, so she does know what makes her different from other girls. I don't know if it is something that the school should discuss with the kids or not.

All advice and thoughts welcome. I'm still trying to figure this out. She's only transitioned in the last few months, but has been gender non conforming since she was old enough to show us who she is.

ItsAllGoingToBeFine Fri 15-Jan-16 13:20:34

I'd probably go with telling the school, but not making an issue out of it unless it becomes apparent there is one. Your DD is very young, and needs to get on with being a kid with her peers, not being seen as different (eg "we must all make a special effort to be nice to DD type announcements").

She is only 4 and may well want to experiment with different gender identities as she grows, it is important that she has the space to do this and feels she is "allowed" to do this without disappointing people that she is no longer DD/DS.

I think deal with issues as they arise, rather than worrying about all of the possible scenarios. You seem to be reasonably happy with the school, so trust them to handle it sensitively.

titchy Fri 15-Jan-16 13:39:52

She's transitioned aged 3...? hmm

titchy Fri 15-Jan-16 13:41:56

<Penny drops>

You have a boy child then? You don't have a dd. Just a boy going through a girly stage. Why this determination to label perfectly normal stages that kids go through as transitioning and make it a thing

IamMrsElf Fri 15-Jan-16 13:49:59

I am hoping for advice and experiences from other parents of trans children, or people working in schools or know trans children.

Helpful comments only. Thank you.

ShowMeTheWonder Fri 15-Jan-16 13:51:20

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

titchy Fri 15-Jan-16 13:54:05

You don't have a trans child, however much you'd like to think you do. You have a toddler. A boy one who is I assume quite girly.

gamerchick Fri 15-Jan-16 13:59:53

It's the new cool thing I think. 4 yr olds don't need labels.

SeekEveryEveryKnownHidingPlace Fri 15-Jan-16 14:01:34

I have to agree: your child doesn't need, and won't benefit from, this label at this age. Let the child wear what it likes and play with what it likes, and re-enforce the message that both boys and girls can do the same things and like the same things, which I'd hope the school will also be suggesting.

whatdoIget Fri 15-Jan-16 14:04:03

I hope you're thinking critically about this, op. You're going to be doing your child a massive disservice and setting him up for a lifetime of hormone treatment if you take this too far. Try and think logically.

IamMrsElf Fri 15-Jan-16 14:08:10

Gender non conforming means an individual that doesn't conform to "normal" gender roles - tom boys, girly boys etc. everything in between.

My child is not a boy that is a bit girly. I don't need a label and neither does she, sometimes it is helpful for others to understand something if they can label it. To DH and me DC is just our child, gender is irrelevant to us. Allowing a person to be themselves and express themselves is important.

To get back to the point. I really do just want some thoughts and experiences from people who have some knowledge in this area. Thank you though to all those who felt they wanted to offer a comment.

gamerchick Fri 15-Jan-16 14:08:51

Talk to the school, tell then your son is going through a girl phase and you're not making a big deal of it. If it develops more as he grows up then fair enough but equally may not.

You don't need to put a label on him at this age. Please stop it.

ghnocci Fri 15-Jan-16 14:12:12

Please don't label a 3 year old as transgender. It's so unfair on them.

Read some of the trans threads on here and you will see many posters recounting the phases they went through as children, but as adults are completely comfortable with their actual sex.

It doesn't matter if they don't conform to gender stereotypes, just let them be until they're old enough to understand the ramifications and choose for themselves.

Life isn't easy being transgender. I don't understand why anybody would encourage a tiny child to go down that path.

bigbuttons Fri 15-Jan-16 14:13:48

You don't have a dd you have ds.
For god's sake, poor bloody kid.

Iggi999 Fri 15-Jan-16 14:14:40

Gender isn't irrelevant to you as you talk about having a daughter, not a child. Clearly you have a male child, who likes what he likes and should just be allowed to get on with this. He can dress, talk, play however he wants to. Like any feminist I am "gender non-conforming" but I am glad no one decided I was a boy when I didn't like traditionally feminine things.
If you were talking about a teenager you would get different responses I think, this is practically a baby.

whatdoIget Fri 15-Jan-16 14:14:44

I wanted to be a boy from the age of about 3 until 7 and wore boys clothes and played with boys. I'm so glad I'm not a child nowadays or God knows what would be in store for me. Puberty blockers, sterility, hormone treatments, surgery. It's insane

SeekEveryEveryKnownHidingPlace Fri 15-Jan-16 14:15:02

It's really, really, good that your child doesn't want to buy into ideas that boys must like/do certain things - on that, I applaud you.

But you kind of undo all the good work when you've encouraged the child to engage with activities/behaviour/clothing traditionally associated with the other sex and then you say that means they are that sex, and change pronouns and names to fit.

If you tell your son he is a girl, and start him off at school telling him and everyone else he is a girl, where does he go if/when he decides/realises that he isn't a girl? Please think about it, OP.

ItsAllGoingToBeFine Fri 15-Jan-16 14:16:06

OP, gender non-conforming is not the same as trans-gender.

whatdoIget Fri 15-Jan-16 14:16:23

Please give your poor ds the chance to not have to go down a really difficult road. Don't socialise him into being trans.

Boredofthinkingofnewnames Fri 15-Jan-16 14:17:21

I'm sorry but I cannot get my head around this.

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