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Im 16, gay looking for some advice please :)

(36 Posts)
oliver16 Wed 05-Nov-14 16:09:56

Hello, im not a mum but had this website and netmums recommended to me by my friends mum. I came out to my mum and dad at the end if the summer holidays and they've refused to accept it. They won't even speak about it and they're hardly talking to me.
I'm not allowed on Facebook etc and my internet is monitored. The only chance I getis here at my friends house.
I just really want to talk to someone who knows what I'm going through or if anyone has any advice on how to deal with my parents?

Thanks so much

Today 15:00 secretsquirrels

oliver16 I am so sorry that your parents haven't reacted well to you coming out. Do you have an aunt or other relative you could talk to? I guess you have talked to the friend's mum who recommended this site . Might she talk to your parents?

Today 15:02 Madcatgirl

Have you tried someone like stonewall? They will probably be able to if not help,you point you in the direction of appropriate counselling.

You were brave to come out and your mum and dad will just have to accept it. You are who you are and ignoring only hurts you for which I'm sorry for you.

I hope they learn to accept you and move on with your lives.

Good luck

Today 15:55 oliver16

Thank you both so much for replying I have sent an email to stone wall! I don't think I need councelling though? I really wanted to know if there are any mums on here who might be able to help me with my parents? I have no idea what to say or do! They barely acknowledge me!? Is there anyone on here I could speak to? I feel so trapped because I'm reliant on my mum to drive me anywhere. I don't think I've ever met another gay person I my life!!!

Today 15:56 oliver16

Oh I forgot there isn't anyone apart from my friend I can speak to. Her mum is scared of my mum, I think everyone is!!!

Today 15:59 Madcatgirl

Sorry I meant for you parents, not you.

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Today 16:02 Madcatgirl

There is actually a board on here for Parents of LGBT children and LGBT parents too, ask on there and I know you'll get someone to talk to there.

Today 16:07 oliver16

Thank you! Ill have a look! Haha my.parents definitely need counselling! Thank you so much

oliver16 Wed 05-Nov-14 16:11:21

Oh I didn't mean to copy and paste the whole message! I just meant to copy my first message onto this one smile sorry everyone!

tunaandcheesesandwich Wed 05-Nov-14 16:25:45

I'm really sorry that your parents have reacted in that way. They may be shocked and just taking some time to get used to it. Depending on where you live and who your parents mix with, they may not know many gay people. Maybe they are worried for you and concerned about any prejudice you may encounter in the future.

If my son came out as gay I would fully support him. However, I am very liberal in most of my views and I accept that not everyone is. Maybe your parents are unhappy about you being gay. Are they religious at all? Why are you not allowed on Facebook or the Internet? Do you have a smartphone?

I think you need to speak to people who support you, like your friend's mum. Do you have any relatives at all who you can talk to?

It must be very difficult for you at the moment, but you are brave to have come out to your parents when you knew what reaction they may have had. Hope it gets better for you.

Shallishanti Wed 05-Nov-14 16:42:22

do you have any idea why they have taken this so badly?
eg are they religious? (if so there may be a sympathetic religious organisation or leader they might talk to)
do they think you are destined for a sad lonely life?
plenty of examples of happy succesful gay adults
are they worried you may be bullied?- schools etc are much less tolerant of this kind of thing than they used to be
do they worry they will never have grandchildren?
again, plenty of happy gay families visible in the media

Not suggesting that you argue with them, just try and figure out what their problem is. Maybe it would help to explain that you are still the same person as you were in July...it's just that now they know something about you they didn't know before.

Good luck and get as much support as you can from adults who are accepting- your friend's mum, for one. Maybe they have a counsellor at school/your form teacher or year head might be supportive?

oliver16 Wed 05-Nov-14 17:14:10

Thanks so much for the replies.
My parents are roman catholic (I'm not) my sisters are too. So they just think I'm going to hell! When I spoke to my mum she said that it wasnt an option for 'us'!?
I'm not allowed Facebook etc because she doesn't approve of them. She doesn't approve of a lot of things! My dad won't even look at me. And we live in a village so therea not many people about sad
I think I might try to tell someone at school, I have no idea how or who though.
I'm trying not to moan smile just feel like Ill never be able yo get them to talk about it and I really don't want to lose my sisters x

Loveleopardprint Wed 05-Nov-14 17:42:31

Hi Oliver. Sorry you are having such a tough time, especially after taking the enormous step of coming out to your parents. Can you speak to your class tutor or school nurse/counsellor?

Loveleopardprint Wed 05-Nov-14 17:44:10

How have your sisters reacted? Are they scared of your parents reaction if they support you??

oliver16 Wed 05-Nov-14 17:49:58

Hello smile my siaters are 5 and 8 and they don't know anything about it. At the moment I just want to leave but I don't have anywhere to go and ilike I said before I don't want to loose my sisters .
I think I'll try to tell my art teacher, he's the only person I can think of. I don't know if we've got a school councillor.

oliver16 Wed 05-Nov-14 17:51:45

I'm really really grateful for the replies by the way xxx

If they kick me out is there anywhere I can get in touch with?

noddyholder Wed 05-Nov-14 17:52:04

Don't just leave and put yourself in a vulnerable situation. You need to make plans. D you plan to go to university when you leave school? Do you have any other adults who can support you?

tunaandcheesesandwich Wed 05-Nov-14 17:58:45

That's a good idea to talk to your art teacher. He may be able to help or find out about the school counsellor. At 16, you really are better off staying at home at the moment. It is early days and give it more time and don't do anything you may regret. You just need to find a way to work though it.

It is a shame there is no one on your family you can talk to. A gay member of my family confided in his 85 year old grandmother, who was surprisingly enlightened and supportive!

Trapper Wed 05-Nov-14 18:01:51

Is there anyone senior at the church who you think may be less homophobic and maybe able to talk to your parents?
Be strong and build a strong network of friends from different circles (straight, gay, religious, school, social etc.) who can support you, guide you, protect you and generally keep you same.
Get a part time job so you have some independent income. Pass your A levels and get yourself off to uni and out of what sounds like a horribly toxic environment.
Sorry to hear you are going through this.

TheGashlycrumbTinies Wed 05-Nov-14 18:01:58

Hi Oliver, really sad to read this. Do you think your Mum is maybe trying to keep the peace, and therefore agreeing with your Dad? Have you had time to speak to her alone?

How about member of your extended family, any cousins?

Sorry, lots of questions I know smile

There will be some one in your school who can put you in contact with the right people. Speak to your art teacher or maybe head of year.

I can't imagine ever not accepting my children for the people they are.

Shallishanti Wed 05-Nov-14 18:11:53

if you are no longer religious (I imagine you were baptised etc) then rejecting catholicism may be complicating the picture- your parents may be just as upset by that, and may perhaps 'blame' you being gay on you not being catholic.
I agree with the other posters who are saying DONT just leave home. However hard it is, you are too young to safely leave home. Talk to the art teacher. Your parents may come round in the end, I hope so.

MrSheen Wed 05-Nov-14 18:26:40

Quest may be able to offer some advice, even if you are not a Catholic then at least they will understand the background you are coming from.

There are loads of gay Catholics. 'It's against my religion' simply doesn't cut it anymore.

You need to play a long game. You need good exam results and if at all possible a part time job (don't piss the money up the wall).

If they kick you out then try the Albert Kennedy Trust. They help LGBT homeless people under 25

In all honesty, it will probably get worse before it gets better, but it will get better.

oliver16 Wed 05-Nov-14 20:00:09

I've just been back home and spoken to my mum, my dad wont. She said it would be best if I stayed at Nicola's tonight. I really don't feel welcome there. I don't get why they can't just get over it!?!?
I've read all of your replies, i cant even say how much of a relief it is to actualy be able to talk to people who kind of understand!!
I don't have any family locally we only moved here from Ireland because of my dads work and I've only really got a couple of real friends. Nicola is the only one that knows im gay though.
My parents were surprisingly ok with me not wanting to go to church etc but i hadn't thought that they might now think thats why I don't want to go.
NoddyHolder i wanted to go to uni to study creative writing but my mum wants me to do something 'proper' so im not really sure. I have a weekend job in a book shop and ive been saving money for driving lessons.
Sorry I think im rambling!! I can't stop shaking

tunaandcheesesandwich Wed 05-Nov-14 20:39:12

Ok so it looks like it may be your dad who is more upset than your mum. Maybe she suggested your stay at your friend tonight because she was worried about your dad's reaction. You ask why they can't just get over it, but I think it is too complex to expect that they will just get over it. Your mum may come round in time.

Definitely aim to go to university. You will meet lots of like minded people. If your parents don't like the idea of creative writing, then how about choosing a course that is a bit more vocational like journalism if you want their support.

Have a night off, and then try to speak to your mum tomorrow.

You sound awesome, oliver, and like you have a very mature grasp on life. smile

My parents are fundamentalist protestants in NI with, ironically, views very similar to your parents, and they will never change. The only way to get on with them is to always avoid controversial topics...

In your shoes, I would just go along with whatever bollocks they make you agree to, and bide your time till you can get the hell out of there and go to uni.

I'd also bear in mind that you can transfer courses after you get into university wink although if you are really determined to be a writer, you will do it no matter no matter what degree course/day job you end up doing (have been reading Neil Gaiman biog this week grin)

And I meant to ask - do you feel like your father might be a physical threat to you? I say this as someone whose father literally tried to kill them for getting their ears pierced.. still no idea what that was all about. hmm

imip Wed 05-Nov-14 21:30:03

I have two uncles - one a priest, and the other a gay devout Roman Catholic! They get along like a house on fire and my priest uncle is often a house guest at my gay uncle (a prison officer) and his chef partner. Funniest Facebook photo I have ever seen is their three work outfits hanging next to each other after being ironed.

Sadly, my gay uncle could never come out to his parents, and lived overseas until both his parents died. Very sad indeed.

As others have suggested, I'd bide my time at home until you can move out for uni. Yes, you can change courses, I'm sure you'll love uni! I expect your parents will come around, but I also expect at the moment they think being gay is a 'phase' that you'll 'grow out of' hmm.

You sound very sensible, a part-time job and real plans for your future. I wish you the very best of luck.

Northernparent68 Wed 05-Nov-14 23:46:52

Try the lesbian and gay switchboard and do a google search for gay teenage groups in your area.

Depending on where you live their May be a group for gay men you could join

oliver16 Thu 06-Nov-14 07:09:46

Imip that's so sad that your uncle died without being able to tell his parents ,!
Thank you everyone for being so supportive smile I didn't know you could transfer credits! I'm going to speak to my art teacher today and my year head about uni. I'm only in my first year of sixth form but I want to get it all sorted out.
I haven't spoken to my mum yet but I'm hoping I can go home later does anyone have any clue how I should speak to them about everything. I keep talking myself out of it !! But I can't handle the atmosphere if I don't.
Thank you so much I'm so glad I found this website!!

NotCitrus Thu 06-Nov-14 09:45:40

Good luck talking to your teacher.
With your parents, there's probably shock for them to deal with, along with a bit of mourning for the child they thought you were who now won't be having that white wedding they had pictured in their minds. It's something all parents have to do to an extent as their kids never turn out to be copies of themselves, just it's a more sudden realisation in this case.

Think about what the 'everything' is you want to tell them - is there anything else they need to know? Often parents really, really don't want to think their child may be having sex and that's trebled if you're gay, so if you could assure them you're not that might help for a while (and if you are, it might be good not to mention it!)

Most councils and towns provide some sort of under-25s LGBT support group, so worth looking online - if you can't do that at home then you might be able to at school or there are computers in local libraries - from where you could also access Facebook if you wanted.

Hopefully the atmosphere will improve at home as your parents realise you're the same child they had last week, but if it stays grim, try to concentrate on your A-levels (always a good excuse not to talk, being busy working), as good grades will give you more uni options. Not always easy, though. If you do think you might be in physical danger from your dad, keep a bag packed in case you need to stay elsewhere quickly.

If it helps, remember that you are one of thousands of gay sixth-formers in the same situation with a tense relationship with their parents, and you will be able to get to university soon (your school and planned uni should be able to advise on accessing funding, if necessary.)

Fierceflora Thu 06-Nov-14 09:58:45

Good luck today Oliver, will be thinking of you, I've nothing much else to add from yesterday but you've had some good advice on this thread. smile

tunaandcheesesandwich Thu 06-Nov-14 13:32:14

You asked how you should talk to your parents. When you do talk to your parents you need to talk to them in a confident and sensible way, like you have been doing on this thread. You need to say that you are gay, it is not just a stage you are going through, and that will not change whether they accept it or not. You need to say that you may not be leading the life they had planned for you, but many children do not. Then say that you respect them as parents, and you hope that they will learn to accept you the way you are.

I hope this helps.

You need to follow the advice in this thread, and think about your future. You will need Internet access for sites like this, social networking forums, along with university web sites, so if you are not allowed it at home, can you not save the money from your Saturday job and buy yourself a cheap smartphone or tablet. You are a good writer so you could even start writing a blog. How are you accessing Internet at the moment?

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