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This board is primarily for parents of LGBTQ+ children to share personal experiences and advice. Others are welcome to post but please be respectful that this is a supportive space.

LGBT children

I am confused- I feel responsible for my dd'ss gender issues

12 replies

suntansally · 03/04/2014 20:12

Hi I am new here and was signposted to this thread because I wasn't getting much positive response for my post.My initial problem was that I was concerned that my dd (who is 8) has always shown gender confusion from such a young age 3..... I have been fully supportive with all of her wishes but just lately she was approaching a friend her age with letters saying,do you love me and she has told me she thinks this girl is attractive,I think I panicked as I didn't want her to alienate herself from her friends so my post was saying that she had 'come out'I was greeted with a lot of abuse with the general opinion being that 8 is too young to think of this in any way at all,and that I was guilty of pushing sexual orientation on her,it certainly upset me as I was trying to support her and have only ever answered her questions.just lately she has become comfortable to talk openly about sexuality and does question the ways of the world.i have just googled a few ideas to see where I have quite obviously been going wrong and it has made me feel really bad because I can certainly see she has gender confusion,this is fine but she is such an anxious child I need to parent this in the right way,I feel it could be my fault,I don't really get along with women overall,I prefer men to chat to,always have ( sorry that isn't aimed at MNetters)my hair is short,( very) I do male dominated sport but I am so happy that way,I do question why I am like this but there really isn't a need for me to answer this for myself,I am content but what if she isn't.
She has done a brilliant job of being accepted just as she is,she holds her own ,when she talks about fancying this girl,is this just experimental stuff.....oh all the questions.....,my brother is gay and his coming out wasn't handled at all well by my parents and this plays closely in my mind too........aaaaaghhhhh sorry it's long.....

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EmpressOfJurisfiction · 03/04/2014 20:17

You might want to have a look at this thread.

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suntansally · 03/04/2014 20:25

No wanted to get right away from that thread but thanks

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EmpressOfJurisfiction · 03/04/2014 20:35

Ok hope I haven't offended you.

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suntansally · 03/04/2014 20:37

Not at all thank you xx

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InOtherNews · 04/04/2014 18:48

I think you're being very hard on yourself (but it sounds like you've had a hard time from people on here too). I really don't think anything you've done or not done can be responsible for this aspect of her emerging identity - nothing my parents did (or didn't do) made me gay. (I'm not saying she's gay, but the point's the same).
I also don't think, FWIW, that you are forcing this label on her - she has come to you with questions, and you have answered. Surely it's much better that you are aware of this stuff rather than dismissing it? It's great that you have such open communication with her and this is going to be very valuable for her. I think I read a similar thread on this forum recently - not the one above, but might be worth having a look?

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sweetkitty · 04/04/2014 18:55

I have an 8yo who from age 2 has told me she wants to be a boy. She now only wears boys clothes down to underwear and sees herself as a tomboy.

She knows about gay people and I've not had any "do you fancy girls" conversations with her, I do feel 8 is too young. I just allow her to be who she wants and support her all I can. She had one best friend who has been her best friend since she was 2, they are inseparable to the exclusion of other friends.

I think puberty will determine who she really is.

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ouryve · 04/04/2014 19:03

While I do think that she is rather young for sending love letters etc, whether she turns out to be gay or straight, 10 years down the road, it will not be down to you doing anything "wrong"

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suntansally · 05/04/2014 08:47

Hi I said love letters it was more like a quiz I.e who do you love? Etc.thanks -in other news it is a great help your reply,I find this so hard because I actually really love her being who she is and wouldn't change a thing about her.....I worry about how nasty other people can be- including adults!!!!!i have thought about it over the past few days and original post to try and stop my older girl going on and on about boys because I think this is where it comes from,she likes to be grown up like her sister so we can diffuse this for a bit longer- trust me I am bored of it in the house too then just go from there, No real mention of boyfriends or girlfriends after last nights disco so that was an improvement.......she loved the boys shirt I bought her for it too! IOnews that read a bit wrong so sorry I realise I didn't direct her but worried if she may have been a bit gender confused because
I myself am such a tomboy????

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InOtherNews · 06/04/2014 17:02

I really wouldn't worry about that suntan. I am very much a tomboy, always have been but no one else in my family was, including my mum. So it doesn't necessarily follow that your DD will follow your every feature, if that makes sense? Surely it's more important that you're comfortable being who you are, and your DD sees that, rather than the other way round.

It's the quality of your parenting, not how short your hair is, or what clothes you wear that is important, and the fact you're on here picking apart every part of your reactions would seem to suggest that you're doing a great job! Fwiw I would just keep the lines of communication open so she feels she can talk to you.

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Marne · 06/04/2014 17:07

I have a dd who wants to be a boy, she saw a tv add last year for a programme about sex changes and said 'that's what I want mummy'. She's now 10 and some days she wants to be a boy and other days a girl, we just go with the flow and let her be who she wants to be. She often wears boys clothes, would never wear a skirt or anything pink, her best friends are boys and she has no interest in what the girls are doing.

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MrsLel · 12/04/2014 03:49

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Charlotteamanda1 · 17/05/2014 19:48

Your handling it brilliantly. Be open and honest with any question she asks you. You can't influence her sexuality it's biological and she will see your nothing but supportive.
She is too young to know whether she is straight or gay.
I have seen girls dress , act and feel like a boy all the way up to teens and then become girly and straight.
On the other hand I've seen girls that dress / act this way and their sexuality is gay.
Kids are much more open to sexuality these days. She will be fine.

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