20yr Old Gay Son... Aspergers... ADHD ... Waiting List For SEX CHANGE ...Discovered PRESCRIPTION ONLY HORMONES in his bedroom..... I'm Still his MUM!!!

[MrsForgetful]

Title says it all...

Everyday i go in his room and bring down dirty plates etc.
So not case of snooping ... and what i saw was NOT hidden .

2yrs ago he 'came out' as gay... last year announced on 'waiting list' for 'sex change' etc....

These tablets are NOT prescribed ... but ARE prescription only drugs.
ESTROFEM (hormones for feminisation from male to female)
Spironolactone for fluid retention (also worrys me in another way as hes lost weight and i often find uneaten food in room HIDDEN ... so i have concerns of eating disorder.

At 18 he was 'passed on ' from 'paediatrics' to 'Adult services ' for his ADHD/ Aspergers ... and at 20... he is still yet to see anyone fron 'adult services'

I am in West Wilts and would appreciate the guidance that i know mumsnetters will provide

thanks

p.s posting this in loads of relavent places incase someone can help

[Juno77]

What is your question?

[OwlCapone]

I imagine the question is "WTF do I do?"

[Juno77]

Sorry, your post is really hard to read with all the quotation marks and capitals and things.

I guess speak to her, you can get estrofem without a prescription (online) so it could be that she has decided to take matters into her own hands rather than wait for the NHS waiting list, as it can take a long time.

No one should be waiting 2 years for a consult re aspergers though. I'd get her into her GP about that.

[MrsForgetful]

thankyou owl

apologies juno for not making sense.. i was crying as i typed..
(please read this in full as i refer to ur 'she' ... which actually helped me a bit today as the other thing i have to start doing is STOP thinking of him as my son. So reading your post helped.

I have spoken to him ... I have cried openly in front of him today expressing how scared i am that he will harm himself.

He was given the tablets by a friend who was prescribed them .

He has thrown them away .

But obviously that doesnt mean he wont get more... and just cos his friend has said that they were prescribed... does not mean that they were... they could have been bought online.

Me ... as he is 20 ... i do not have any rights ... but i have told him what i will do is write to MY doctor who is in same practice as HIS and explain what i see happening.

The doctor i know will not discuss anything with me ... but maybe my input will show the GP how desparate my son is to be taken seriously .

And the other thing i must do ... which is very hard after being mum to my 'son' for 20ys... is start thinking and referring to him as 'My Daughter' ... and NO ... unlike what u see on TV documentries... I had no idea as a child that he felt 'born in the wrong body' ... he supressed it well.

And i have to be honest ... after today ... i feel respecting his wishes is not such a big step as i felt before.

[Juno77]

That's a good step.

Thinking of her as your daughter and referring to her as she is really important, for you both. Try to use 'her' and 'she' every time. It really will help.

As for the tablets - if she isn't taking them that's good. She does need medical intervention to see her through the transition. It's tempting to go it alone as it can be a horrible long wait. But the wait is what it is. All you can do is offer her support and love and listening.

You might feel that you need to talk to someone too - I would urge you to get counselling independently of her so you can deal with the issue. She should also be having counselling.

[MrsForgetful]

thanku

lots of advice on support groups on another of my threads... so have briefly browsed a few sites ... and will be spending some time with my son on friday when he has no college.

regarding 'he/she' etc... there is also the change of name that has been chosen... does it make sense to you that after today ... it seems easier to 'refer' with 'she/her' etc... but to use the feminine name openly seems so hard.

i feel awful admitting that ... but wondered if a 'bay step' is to start with what i can ... and build up.

the problem really is that in our house there are 5 of us... and though i totally accept that everyone has the right to be who they want to be... what we cannot do is force others to understand.

so yes... i feel we need counselling ... as parents... as brothers ... and as a whole family...

[ajandjjmum]

Would your DC be happy for you to accompany them to the GP? I know my 20 year old DD is happy for me to, and has asked me to go when she has the implant, as she's not looking forward to it!! The GP can then be completely open with you, as he/she knows they have 'approval'.

[MrsForgetful]

up till now i realise though i said i was supportive i have not demonstrated this.

therefore... i was not invited to GP appointments... maybe now will be different?

[Juno77]

Don't force her to allow you to come along to GP appointments. If she allows you, that's great but don't push it. It's a very personal thing.

As for her name, I would strongly suggest using her preferred name, yes. If you find it too hard, don't use it just yet but stop using her old name.

[MrsForgetful]

xxx thanks xxx

[damian743]

I don't know if you have done this or not but if you wish to support your child I suggest you start bying her some female clothes to help her get started dosnt have to cost much

[damian743]

I don't know if you have done this or not but if you wish to support your child I suggest you start bying her some female clothes to help her get started dosnt have to cost much

[MrsKent]

If she is considering transitioning she needs to make an appointment with her GP who will initially refer for a psychiatric consultation locally and following this she can be refer to a Gender Identity Clinic. Waiting lists are not huge on the NHS and she should not take hormones unsupervised.

[damian743]

I don't know if you have done this or not but if you wish to support your child I suggest you start bying her some female clothes to help her get started dosnt have to cost much

[damian743]

how are things going with your son and his sex change

[tanya1010]

Hi, just read this thread. It is very important that you now stop referring to your child as he. She is now your daughter and she should always be called by her preferred female name. She is still young and that is always a good thing. Although she has now gone through puberty it is still better to get things moving whilst she is still young and has her full life ahead of her. As said before, forget now that she was your son. She is your daughter. She is going to need all the support and help she can possibly get now on the very long, hard and traumatic road ahead. You need to talk together as a complete family to support and help her. Take her shopping for new clothes. Even if only in the house at first, let her get used to wearing female clothes. Help her with make up and female traits. Teach her how to sit and walk. Get her hair styled in a unisex way, so that she can wear it either in a female or male style, for whatever she wants to at that time. She is going to have to live full time in employment as a woman for at least 2 or 3 years before she can have anything done. This is hard, so the more she can get used to it and the earlier she can be getting knowledge and experience of a womans lifestyle the better it will help her for the road ahead. If she had been taking the hormones you would have known. After a short period of time you would have noticed very subtle changes. Her features and skin would get softer and more feminine. She would seem more relaxed and comfortouble and less secretive and withdrawn. She would start to develop small boobs and more rounded hips and bum. Quite possibly she would start having morning sickness, headaches and get more tearful. Hope this is of help for you.

[Transfigurations]

Hi MrsForgetful
What is important if your child is self medicating on cross-sex hormones is that she has regular blood tests done by her GP.
The Spironolactone that you mentioned supresses the formation of testosterone.
It is now over 7 months since you last updated this thread - I do hope that things are OK
There are some useful tips and links on this page here
Tanya - that 2 to 3 years of what is referred to as the RLE (Real Life Experience) was revised last year and it now stands as 1 year minimum (but could be more depending on circumstances)