We are all confused(7 Posts)
Long term, regular Mumsnetter - NC for this - Oh I can think of a hundred threads - I know all about Extended, Dizzy and beesimo.
My son came out to me yesterday. He is 11. I'm struggling with it to be honest, which has shocked me - I have gay friends and have even campaigned for gay rights in the past.
DS is a very immature 11 year old and he told me that he was gay after a friend of his older sister (16) told us that he had a boyfriend.
As soon as he told us (me and my DD) I immediately hugged him and told him that it was fine, that it is normal and OK and that I love him (all true obviously!) and he cried and I reassured him.
Everything was OK until I went to bed and was completely unable to sleep and worried and worried and became so anxious about it all that I was sick at 4am.
Please believe me that I am not homophobic, but I am so so worried about my son - how will he cope with all the hatred he will encounter? It makes my heart hurt. I managed to keep everything ticking over all day as usual (I think but maybe I was a bit in my own head, I don't know)
He's been grumpy all day. I broached the subject with him again this evening, and was trying to make him feel better by telling him that 10 percent of the population are gay and that out of his year at school of 300, statistically 30 of those children will be homosexual too, and he started crying again. This is all so hard.
Anyway, he then said that gay men don't have sex and I was a bit and said that of course they do, and he asked me how and I said that they have sex like straight couples - kissing each other and oral sex but that sometimes they...and then he interrupted and asked what I meant by oral and so I told him. God. And then he asked how that worked with gay men and I told him and he said "I didn't think gay people had sex"
And he followed that up with a bit of stuff of about not wanting to do that - and so I was just thinking that's a normal reaction to the thought of oral sex (straight or gay So I asked him if he fancied any of the boys in school and he laughed at me and said "NO WAY" So I asked if he fancied any famous men and he said Johnny Depp and then I said "Oh! good taste!" and he said "I wouldn't want to kiss him though or do that other thing, I just think he's really cool"
Good Lord this is long, so in reality he probably is gay - because why would he say it if he weren't right? but he also told me that he really fancied my DD's friend (a girl) and I think he's just a bit confused right now.
I wouldn't say that if he were straight though would I?
Maybe he is just too young to know what he feels atm. He sounds very confused and you probably just need to support him non-judgementally until he is clearer.
I think you should just reassure him that you love him and give this time
He does sound confused. Don't sweat it. He'll get to know his own mind in time he doesn't seem to right now. I hope some lgbt peeps can come along and be more helpful but in the meantime as Transq says, just keep reassuring him.
I think he's probably horrified by the whole sex thing (gay / straight / whatever) and when he wrongly assumed that gay people don't have sex he plumped for that team as a way of avoiding the whole mortifying issue.
He may be gay. He may be straight. If he currently has no romantic or sexual feelings about anyone of either sex he is neither at the moment. 11 is young, and he is a young 11. Continue to be there, and be understanding, and he will work it out in the end.
I think silentboob is right and saying just what I would be. (Tranquilidade, Clownsarescary and mumblecrumble are also right too) Could there be older/more sexually mature boys in his class who have started putting the pressure on? Could someone have said something like "If you don't want to shag XXX you must be gay"?
It's brilliant that you are providing a loving and supportive environment for him to work out who he is safe in the knowledge that you will always be there for him. Make sure he knows that you understand it takes a while to work these things out - once he's older and knows himself better, he may prefer you to quietly forget that he had these doubts!
I know this is an old post but I can fully relate to how the OP was feeling. However, it seems to me like the little boy is confused as to what exactly being gay means. In all likelihood he is probably straight. Me on the other hand have just discovered that my son is experimenting with members of the same sex although I don't think he has had full blown sex. He has however performed oral. he himself told his friend he did not know what he was. He did not class himself as Gay but possibly bisexual.
I had all the same feelings though as the original op but in my case I found this out by snooping (I know - reprehensible) and I cannot talk to my son about it as I invaded his privacy. Don't worry I have had a complete slating on another forum, been called homophobic the lot. I am not but it was still a massive shock to find it out when all I had expected to find out was about him getting hold of illicit booze and snogging too many girls.
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