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Lost my temper!

(14 Posts)
TwinSetAndPearls Fri 29-Jul-05 15:07:51

My ex has always been sporadic is his access to my dd and I have had one maintenance payment so far this year.

When he has dd (3.10) he can't be bothered getting up on time with her to take her to her gym class ( whihc she loves going to) and I tend to get her back hungry, dirty, tired and in a very difficult mood. She has been referred to a child mental health specialist due to her temper tantrums and behaviour issues which are always ten times worse after spending time with her dad. The specialist agrred with me that many of dd probelms were due to the irregularity and sporadic nature of her dads access, despite being in the room and hearing this things ahve not improved. We have had periods where he hasn't seen her for six weeks or more and she has become a different child, so chilled and content.

My ex works for his family and every month they find a reason to not pay maintenance which should be taken outof his wage as he doesn't pay it voluntarily. The CSa have told me that as he works for his family who are intent on playing the system it is unlikely I will ever see any maintenance so I am wasting my time. I should now give up and if I want to take the matter any further I should speak to the Inland revenue.

Yesterday I lost my temper so phoned inland revenue to report him and his family for tax fraud, I know they pay him to remove money from the business to reduce their tax bill as well as paying my ex a pittance on paper but paying him a lot more cash in hand.

I then phoned ex and told him I was sick of him upsetting dd, he was at the root of her behaviour problems, he was a crap father and I never wanted to see him again especially around my daughter and that he could take his money and shove it where the sun don;t shine. I woud be happier to struggle without his help than demean my dd and myself by asking a man puts more effort into fiddling the system than being a father.

I anticipate a solicitor's letter coming through the door in the next few weeks ! Can I fight him or is he entitled access to his "dd" even if he iis doing more harm than good?

Freckle Fri 29-Jul-05 15:15:45

I suggest that you write down a coherent and emotion-free account of what you have just typed. If you do get a solicitor's letter, just respond with this account. Ask them when and how their client intends to start supporting his child and how he proposes that his contact with her does not affect her adversely. Then leave the ball in their court.

It might also help to see if you can get a report from the child mental health specialist supporting the view that his contact is at the root of her behavioural problems.

TwinSetAndPearls Fri 29-Jul-05 15:23:47

Thanks freckle, my ex has had to part ways with his solicitor due to "differences in opinion". But according to my solicitor his solicitor has said in off the record conversations that my ex mantains that he would dearly love to pay maintence but the beauacracy of the CSA means that he is not able to. Apparantly he is able to say that with a straight face!

AS to my daughter's behaviour he says that she is perfectly behaved with him and therefore the problem lies with me as the parent who sees the most of her and therefore she would probably be better of living with him full time. Another statement he can make with a straight face!

Freckle Fri 29-Jul-05 15:30:49

Anyone can say anything, but it doesn't make it true or believable. Sounds like he's ignoring the obvious and trying to pass any blaim for any situation onto anyone but himself.

If you can get a report from the mental health specialist, you could then justifiably stop contact and, if he takes issue with it, point out that you are clearly acting in the best interests of your child.

Freckle Fri 29-Jul-05 15:32:07

Oh and I was just having a conversation with a male (childless) friend about how children always behave worst with their parents as that is where they feel safe. If she is perfectly behaved with him, it's simply that she doesn't feel safe enough to misbehave. Point made.

TwinSetAndPearls Fri 29-Jul-05 15:36:33

I agree about the point on behaviour, my daughter has a very close relationship with dp and myself so she knows exactly how to wind us both up, and like the normal toddler she is she does it!

I am just dreading having to go back to solicitors and courts, we separated just after dd was born nearly four years ago and this is still going on.

Somanykiddies Sat 30-Jul-05 10:09:20

If he won't pay maintenance for various reasons would he want to pay to take you to court as it is seriously expensive to be represented.

Donbean Sat 30-Jul-05 11:02:33

Hi Twinset, just wanted to offer you encouragement. I know that you are trying your best at the mo to maintain a positive outlook, just wanted to say that although it may be difficult to do, keep it up.
You seem to be a very strong personality so dont let the bugger get you down and do what you feel is right but mostly....KEEP YOUR CHIN UP CHUCK.

TwinSetAndPearls Sat 30-Jul-05 19:06:41

My ex is not short of money bu a long shot, the family business that he hepls run is a national company turninover tens if not more of millions of pounds.

He does not pay maintenace because he cant afford it but because he resents giving me any money , therefore finances would not stop him from taking this to court.

Thanks Donbean, the nice people are one of the things that I am discovering that I like about living up here

Caligula Sat 30-Jul-05 19:44:39

Twinset - a court will see the gap between him not paying maintenance and yet being able to afford to take you to court.

TwinSetAndPearls Sat 30-Jul-05 20:06:01

I hope they would caligula, although he has got away with so much for so long I have lost hope in our judicial system doing what is right.

He was registered as living in a £2 million pound house and tried to take me to court for being a bad mother due to my poverty ( caused by him kicking me and dd onto the streets without a penny to our name, himrunning up bills on my visa card on Bond Street, refusing to pay maintenance and leaving me unable to get work after years of his abuse sent me bonkers). His main argument was that he could afford a private education, an exclusive postcode and the best nannys money could buy, he didn't get custody but he wasn't instructed to pay a decent level of maintenance either!

I know ( although I don;t agree) that being an unnatentive father who is emotionally scaring their child and refusing to pay any kind of financial support is not grounds for loosing access.

I lost my temper because I am pissed off and angry that he cannot see what a wonderful daughter we have and I do not understand why he can't make her a priority in his life as I am happy to do myself. I lost my temper because dp and I are good parents who put everything we have into raising our daughter but my ex can turn up every week and turn her into a Little Angels special candidate. I am exhausted of battling with my dd to behave, I am tired of seeing her upset, angry and hysterical because she doesn't understand what is going on.

But most of all I am angry with myself that I have done the one thing I have always promised I wouldn't, threaten to deprive my daugher of a father because I am angry. I grew up watching my parents use me and my sister as pawns in a bitter divorce battle and swore I would never do it, but here I am repeating all my mother's mistakes and I hate myself for it - but I am so angry it is hard to stop myself.

But now that I have issued that threat it feels liberating, to think that he will not be knocking on our door for a week or two, that dd won't be coming back on sunday morning over tired and spolit and that the chances are we won't have a week of tantrums ahead of us. As a family we have had one of the nicest most relaxed weekends I can remember. I even sat down with dp and we worked out a budget and we can cope without his maintenace on a premanent basis (although we were anyway ) we just have to make a few cutbacks.

Donbean Sat 30-Jul-05 20:38:02

Im lost for words,what a God awful time you have had and are still enduring.
I dont know what to say except what i said earlier.
I know you said that you have got a great dp and lots of good friends, but if ever i can do any thing to help, please dont hesitate to ask.
Im not too far away from you.

gigglinggoblin Sat 30-Jul-05 20:51:44

i am going through court for the third time atm, its incredibly hard but unfortunately necessary. cafcass are recommending a family assistance order which basically means the situation is going to be monitored for 6 months so i know xp is going to have to behave or risk losing contact. dont feel bad for making the threat, you need to stand up for your dd at some point and it sounds like you have got there. i hope it has the desired afect on your xp

TwinSetAndPearls Sat 30-Jul-05 21:29:03

Thanks donbean , I feel a bit weak after posting all of that, as I am a stiff upper lip hold it all together person who likes to keep up appearances.

But I think it has done me good to let off some steam, if only to a flickering screen!

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