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My ExH has been sending me money for my 18 yr old and is stopping end of July.. ...W>H>A>T ???

(92 Posts)
maltesers Fri 03-Jul-09 23:20:42

He has always sent maintenance money in the form of a cheque ever since my DD was 4yrs. She is off to Uni. in September, and for some reason he says this last cheque he has sent is the last one ever to me. From August onwards he is sending it straight to DD and upping it £50. I am so annoyed and surprised. I am keeping DD till mid Sept and she earns nothing. She is very wasteful, extravagant (and a teen terror from hell !) So she costs a fair bit. I have e mailed him and texts but he is not responded. Why is he short changing me by 6 weeks ??? I feel i must get in touch with the CSA...but can they help? past experience of them has been hopeless. Any advice gladly received. Thanks.

kormachameleon Fri 03-Jul-09 23:21:58

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

EdwardBitMe Fri 03-Jul-09 23:23:26

I think technically he has to support her not you, and as she is now 18 has everyright to send it straight to her.
Charge her board and lodgings until she has moved in to uni?

SlartyBartFast Fri 03-Jul-09 23:23:42

shouldnt that be yoru decision to give her the money?

ingles2 Fri 03-Jul-09 23:23:46

I agree with Korma. Your dd is now an adult and not in fulltime education over the summer. Perhaps she can get a job and pay you some rent?

SlartyBartFast Fri 03-Jul-09 23:24:34

you are 6 weeks short changed?

dunno <<shrugs>>

maltesers Fri 03-Jul-09 23:29:42

yes 6 weeks......hhhmmm ! Could put that idea to DD to help contribute but i will be wasting my breath......you got to be joking.. there isnt a hope in hell of her contributing anything....well, except dirty dishes and a mess and a worn out washing machine !!

kormachameleon Fri 03-Jul-09 23:31:24

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

EdwardBitMe Fri 03-Jul-09 23:32:04

Let her clean up after herself as well. If she's going to uni in sept she'll need to learn to wash up and wash her clothes pretty soon!

Swedes Fri 03-Jul-09 23:37:03

Surely the most important thing is that he is willing to support his dd through university. Lots don't. Can you write to him and say that's a good idea of his to pay her directly but can you agree that you will share her non-term time care between you both. And if that isn't possible perhaps he could recompense you during the non-term time weeks when she will be with you.

Swedes Fri 03-Jul-09 23:40:27

Sorry that was a bit garbled. Pay her directly during term-time but pay you directly if she is living with you out of term-time. And she lives with him he doesn't have to pay anyone, but he does need to keep her and look after her. grin

It's much easier to get the result you want by being reasonable, than being adversarial.

PortAndLemon Sat 04-Jul-09 00:45:58

Ultimately she's an adult and I don't think it's inappropriate for him to pay his contribution directly to her.

But it's clearly going to cause you issues. If you can't get her to contribute towards her upkeep, perhaps you could suggest that she spends half of the summer with him?

JeMeSouviens Sat 04-Jul-09 01:01:55

I think the rule is this:

Maintenance paid if:

the child is under 16 (or 16-19 and in full-time education (not higher than A-level equivalent))

I did a google to find that info, perhaps you can show it to your ex, as it seems it should be paid until your DD actually starts University. After that, it no longer has to be paid at all.

PortAndLemon Sat 04-Jul-09 01:07:49

(but is she in full-time education once we get to August, JeMeSouviens? School finishes for the academic year this month, which is presumably the basis on which the ex is stopping paying maltesers)

JeMeSouviens Sat 04-Jul-09 01:12:09

good point P&L, bit churlish of him to not pay through to Sept. But good of him on the other hand to give their DD an allowance ongoing.

nannyL Sat 04-Jul-09 08:23:46

while Uni may be seen by you as full time education it isnt counted as full time eduction.

You dont get free prescriptions for being in full time ed at uni (well at least you didnt when i was there a few years ago)

I think the dad is being generouse to still be paying. (though i realise that yes shes is child so ofcourse he should be, but technically he probably doesnt)

also charge her board and lodgings, she needs to grow up sooner or later and the cost of living is a cost she is going to have to accept now she is older

nannyL Sat 04-Jul-09 08:25:08

also, you say she earns nothing... well perhaps she should be getting a job and doing something this summer?
Im sure most of her friends will be doing that.

PavlovtheForgetfulCat Sat 04-Jul-09 08:29:02

I don't actually think at 18 he has to support her at all.

It sounds perfectly reasonable that he is sending the money to her now though.
I would tell her to get a job and that the money she gets, along with a small amount from you perhaps, is now what she has to survive on.

Or, just spoil her and enjoy her at home before she flies the nest.

Lulumama Sat 04-Jul-09 08:31:16

agree with everyone else !! also £50 won't get her far anyway.she is going to need a job, and this could be the makings of her. hopefully uni and living out will help to mature her a bit and realise money does not grow on trees and clothes don't wash themselves etc.

i lived with a bloke at uni whose mum drove him up every term with a boot full of individual dinners in portions, ready for the freezer. and asked us all if we could iron his clothes as he was not very domesticated. you can guess how well that went down grin

PavlovtheForgetfulCat Sat 04-Jul-09 08:32:35

My mum used to take me shopping whenever she visited and bought me cupboard food!!

ingles2 Sat 04-Jul-09 08:37:50

Hang on .. In August he'll be upping the money £50... so that means current money + £50 Maltesers yes?

Goblinchild Sat 04-Jul-09 08:39:35

>>Or, just spoil her and enjoy her at home before she flies the nest.

Sounds like she's done that already! grin
Reasonable that he should give the money straight to her now she's 18, good on him that he's not arguing about still supporting an adult.
As the proud owner of a considerate and thoughtful 18 year old girl who knows her responsibilities as well as her rights and is a pleasure to share a house with, I think you ought to have a think about why your daughter is wasteful, extravagant and a teen terror.
And although very late in the day, what you can do to change that, having supported her in becoming one.

HappyMummyOfOne Sat 04-Jul-09 10:17:44

Going to the CSA for 6 weeks payments after 14 years of support - I assume you are joking.

I think its great he's willing to help her out with finances whilst she's at uni - she's an adult so the money should go to her and not you.

If your daughter is wasteful etc, perhaps its been because you have allowed her to be rather than nipping it in the bud when it first started.

maltesers Sat 04-Jul-09 15:59:08

FYI Goblinchild i have thought about it hard and strong and beat myself up about it all these years. I feel guilty about all thats happened since i left her dad in 1994, i have been through hell and back, 2 aggressive partners and been on housing benefit since 1994. I dont really have much money to spoil her. She seems to really dislike me most of the time, and yet i try hard to get on and help her (DD).

Lucky you Goblin being the proud owner of sucha DD.

No why would i be joking Happymummyof one. ? My DD will cost me those 6 weeks and my income is about £4520 per annum. Thats why i am posting this issue. Needed some helpful advice.And well yes, we know all that about being wasteful... i have tried so hard to make her as frugal as i am.. but its very hard. There is only so much you can battle about with a teenager. My Ex pays for my 21 year old still and he is finishing Uni this summer, so quite naturally paying for DD too.

Goblinchild Sat 04-Jul-09 16:36:16

Sounds like your ex is a good father and is going above and beyond what most would do.

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