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Unequal relationships - dp doesn't own any share of the house we live in

(12 Posts)
merrygoround Tue 08-Mar-05 17:59:40

I own the house that I, dp and dd live in. Dp has no stake at all - there is no mortgage outstanding. The house was v cheap when I bought it, and my dad's death left me sufficient money to pay the mortgage off.

This inequality seems to go very deep in our relationship and causes problems. I think dp feels less of a man for not owning a house. he also has no security for the future. Has any other non married couple got a similar situation and can you give me any advice?

Unfortunately dp hates talking about money, and is rather secretive. I am fairly sure he has no savings and a litte bit of debt (probably no more than £500). He works full time, me 3 days a week.

Not sure if anyone can help, but need to make a breakthrough as this is such a huge issue between us.

Tinker Tue 08-Mar-05 18:02:45

Could you not put the house in joint names? Know there's no mortgage but is there a mechanism for doing this?

Freckle Tue 08-Mar-05 18:03:58

Depends on the strength of your relationship, but there's nothing to stop you putting his name on the deeds. It doesn't have to be a 50/50 ownership. You could draw up a deed detailing the percentage split. Or would he object to what he might see as charity?

Alternatively, buy a more expensive house with a mortgage which he can pay off, thereby acquiring a share in the property off his own back.

blossom2 Tue 08-Mar-05 18:08:51

When i moved in with DH, he'd already had his house and everything was in his name. I didn't particularly mind but he did and it was one of the reason we got married - so that i (& our kids) would have more security.

I personally think (personal opinion and no offence intended [smile), your dp should enjoy the fact you guys have no mortgage and more disposible income - a luxury not many people have theses days.

iota Tue 08-Mar-05 18:33:02

I find it odd that dp is secretive about money - seems like there are several issues here. You both work - do you pool your resources or keep your money separate? Who pays for what do you have an equal partnership? Attitude to money is a crucial part of a relationship.

There was a long thread about peoples attitudes to money and pooling resources recently - more from the view do SAHM's worry about not contributing financially but it coverd some of these issues.

FWIW my mother was SAHM and owned the house we grew up in as it was left to her by her parents. It was never an issue between my parents - they did talk about putting it in joint names but never got around to it.

WideWebWitch Tue 08-Mar-05 18:35:33

I thinjm the issue is general inequality, not the house by the sound of it. Could you consider counselling to find out more aobut why tihs is such a problem for him?

merrygoround Tue 08-Mar-05 18:40:35

Relationship is very shaky, which affects how I feel about putting his name on deeds. I know he would not take advantage of me - in the past he gave a home he had bought and paid for to his ex fiancee, even though she had cheated on him which led to the end of their relationship. He says if we split up (which almost happened last year) he would not want anything from me - so putting his name on the deeds would not seem to give him security.

I am v confused. At the moment we are not speaking, since I redid our budget based on having to pay a large bill over the next two years for major repairs. It has meant asking him to contribute more - he is clearly not happy about this but refuses to make alternative suggestions. I could take out a new mortgage to finance this work, but why should dp live somewhere totally cost free? He doesn't pay rent - just towards bills and food etc.

Feeling so fed up of the hostility between us - I'm angry and hurt, and he is being really miserable and mean to me.

merrygoround Tue 08-Mar-05 18:42:03

www, we had counselling last year after I asked him to move out, but then our counsellor got sick and we had to stop. Someone will be able to take us again after Easter - if we make it till then....

sobernow Tue 08-Mar-05 18:45:38

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

sobernow Tue 08-Mar-05 18:50:25

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

iota Tue 08-Mar-05 18:56:33

you need to get your relationship sorted out and everything else will follow. When I met dh I had a property (equity and mortgage) and he had debts. I paid the mortgage and some bills, he paid bills, paid off his debts and saved for our wedding. Then we bought a bigger house together.

We have always shared our money and have no financial secrets, although we have separate accounts as well as joint. I am SAHM now, so now we both spend his money.

I hope you can work things out between you

merrygoround Tue 08-Mar-05 19:48:35

Thanks for advice / thoughts. Yes, our rel'ship hsa to be sorted out, and the other things will follow. He obviously has a whole load of baggage about money - sometimes it feels like I am trying to deal with his past, not our present. Don't think it can be done without counselling - it is just too explosive between us right now. Have to conserve energy for dd's sake - it's so hard to be a mum when the relationship with your partner is going into meltdown.

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