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divorce procedures/child custody (sorry long)

(11 Posts)
lalatele Mon 15-Sep-08 11:38:44

hi all,
i am going through a rough time with dh but am really trying to work hard on it for the sake of our child (3years old). however i need to enquire in case i really cannot cope anymore(which seems that it is going to be this way). To summarise, have been married to dh for 9 years now, and i come from abroad (europe). He has a house that he bought before he met me and we have separate accounts. The reasons i would like to split are : no love from him as since the birth of our child he only sees our child and we do not really behave like a couple, even tells me off when something is not right to him about the way i raise our child as if i was a child...he is very stressed out at work and comes home and does not want to talk everytime i raise the isssue, he loses his temper and we argue....anyway, i wanted to know about the criteria for child custody as if i did split i would take my dd back home. FYI, i work part time because of dd and have a good job.Also, will i be able to get anything from him as we have separate accounts and officially everything belongs to him? (even if we had some work done in the house and i paid a fair amount??)

lalatele Mon 15-Sep-08 12:27:18

help please! i really need your advice!

mabanana Mon 15-Sep-08 12:36:37

If you are married NOTHING only belongs to him. It all belongs to both of you and a court can split it any way that is fair. It makes absolutely no difference whose name it is all in.
You cannot automatically take your child out of the country just because you want to, even if you are the primary carer. Your child's father could contest that, and to be honest I wouldn't blame him. However, you might 'win' in court over this issue, but it would be sad to take his child away from him, I think.

mabanana Mon 15-Sep-08 12:37:39

If you are serious about splitting up you need to see a solicitor. Have you told him that you are considering divorce? It would be fairer to tell him that and to try counselling first to see if things could be improved, surely?

lalatele Mon 15-Sep-08 12:43:59

hi mabanana
thanks for your reply. i agree that taking my dd away from him would be very unfair but i would have no choice: no family here at all...and i could not afford a childminder...also, i would go crazy here on my own as all my family is there!

solidgoldbrass Mon 15-Sep-08 12:46:51

You would not be allowed to take his dd out of the country permanently against his wishes without negotiating regular access for him. And it is possible that he could fight for custody as well.
It would be a lot better to try and sort things out amicably, whether or not you continue as a couple.

controlfreakinfreaky Mon 15-Sep-08 12:49:51

mabanana is right. you and dh both have parental responsinbility for your dd. if you split and cant agree about arrangements for her future care then a court would have to decide..... making a residence order. if you wanted to taske her permanently out of enagland and wales you would need his informed consent or the permission of the court.... the point is no one can stop you living where you please but the same does not apply to dd.

you should seek legal advice from a specialist family solicitor.... but perhaps first tell him all this?

lalatele Mon 15-Sep-08 12:56:26

thanks all...we have had discussions about the fact that our couple relationship is practically non existent...and we are workig on it but dh is so stressed out with work and all that we rarely can talk ...i am completely lost as i came over to england very young , i was so in love with him, expecting it to be a good relationship for life but it definately isn't..even my family noticed it lately and they are so worried for me...i would definately go crazy if i lost custody of our dd, and probably so would he... waht can i do?? ok, go to relate etc, etc,....but dh does not even want to hear about it as he says it is for crazy people and nobody but us can solve it...even holidays together have made it worse as he was frustrated by everything i did for dd...i am really stressed out and worried about my future...

lalatele Mon 15-Sep-08 12:57:47

oh...also i was thinking he could see dd during every holiday...

controlfreakinfreaky Mon 15-Sep-08 13:01:51

my sympathy. sounds like a v difficult situation for you... do you think he realises how v unhappy you are? that you are seriously contemplating divorce? please get some professional advice if you think you are at that stage...

lalatele Mon 15-Sep-08 13:17:10

thanks for your support control...i am not sure...we went on holiday last month and because i was so unhappy i had arguments with him every other day....which really upsets me as i thought the holiday would make things better...i have no support laws look after dd when i work but they constantly criticise me about the way i do things etc...want to put him at the creche but dd is a very difficult person ...although very friendly, she eats nothing all day and has become very spoilt as dh does not has any authority on her and cannot stand it if i shout at her...

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