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Telling H my finances... what happens if i do? (sorry if a bit long and ranty!)

(78 Posts)
lunavix Wed 03-Sep-08 18:35:08

I've posted about this before. H has insisted that I give him a chart of my finances beginning this September as I start Uni and he thinks that I am incapable of supporting our children. I believe I posted it in lone parents and got a resounding 'do not tell him!' but I want to know the practicalities of what happens if I do.

We have no communication or relationship at all and do not get on. He knows he cannot insist on it but is very happy to blackmail me into it, by making comments like 'he will have to rethink (me) being their maincarer if I am at uni and therefore no longer home during the day'

So I'm fully aware I don't have to do this but I like an easy life so...

Can this come back to bite me in any way if I am honest? Say it said I had £20 a month left after food, bills, etc. Or say I had £2000 a month left! What is the practicalities of him holding this information, in a document I have produced? I know it doesn't affect maintenance (which is on his wages) but what about divorce etc. Please help me figure out any ways this could end badly.

One I was thinking of was what if realistically there's a shortfall each month - most people survive on loans when at uni (don't know about the average family with kids) and I'm lucky that my course is funded. But what if I don't make ends meet and rely on some credit? Is this acceptable as I'm at Uni?

He says this is for his 'peace of mind' as he is very worried. IMHO this is just another way of him continuing his controlling manner that he had when we were together. I did say to him if I did it it would be a one time only thing. So if say in 3 years I started another uni course, or moved in with someone, or got a job, or le ft a job for another he'd never get this again. And he told me he expected it every time my finances changed! The cheek of it lol

So, please share your opinions and wiseness!

CountessDracula Wed 03-Sep-08 18:38:03

Bloody hell
What business is it of his?

I think you have two options
1. Tell him to stick it
2. Make something up

CountessDracula Wed 03-Sep-08 18:38:43

And how is it up to him to rethink you being the main carer? hmm
Does he work?

NotDoingTheHousework Wed 03-Sep-08 18:39:22

Message withdrawn

Saggarmakersbottomknocker Wed 03-Sep-08 18:40:08

Personally I'd tell him to go whistle. It's really none of his business how you manage your finances, and as you say it sounds very controlling.

tamarto Wed 03-Sep-08 18:47:13

Why would this once be any different to any other time he may feel inclined to ask?

He has no need to be concerned, he and you know that, why help him stay controlling?

He will have to rethink you being main carer hmm he'd have a hard job convincing a judge that you are no longer up for looking after your children just because you are trying to better yourself.

SpandexIsMyEnemy Wed 03-Sep-08 18:47:22

lux - tell him where to go - you know it makes sense. controlling.

his threats are empty - if he wants to go the custody route tell him to go ahead he has no basis to take those kids away and you know it.

AvenaLife Wed 03-Sep-08 18:49:32

I too would tell him to f**k off! What a nerve this man has! angry

You going to Uni to give your children a better life isn't going to impact on then negativly in any way. He also has NO RIGHT to see any of your financial paperwork, it has nothing to do with him. The children live with you and the care that you give them will in no way be compromised by you having a bit less to live on. What an arsehole! He only wants this info because he's a tosser, it's got nothing to do with him. It's not for his peace of mind, he's invading your privacy. In three years time you will be in a much better financial situation and this will do nothing but benefit you and your children.

I've trained in family law, the courts (if he is such a tosser that he appears to be and decided to increase his level of pathetic shitness) will not be interested in whether you have £20 extra to live off a month, they will only care that the children are happy and looked after.

Sorry for the over use of bad language. I don't normally swear like this.

lunavix Wed 03-Sep-08 18:50:34

Okay I know all this blush but I am very very pathetic. Him and his family gang up on me and he can be very intimidating.

I know I shouldn't do it. Fully aware of it.

But -how- will it come back to bite me? Where could it go wrong?

BecauseImWorthIt Wed 03-Sep-08 18:52:15

It will go wrong from the minute he opens the envelope. He will use whatever you have told him against you from that moment.

Don't do it!

SpandexIsMyEnemy Wed 03-Sep-08 18:54:21

don't listen lux, you're right here

it goes wrong by him controlling u still, it goes wrong by him dictating to u still - where will it end if you give an inch?

CountessDracula Wed 03-Sep-08 18:55:17

You are no longer together
he has NO right to see anything of yours unless you choose to show him

keep repeating in your head!

AvenaLife Wed 03-Sep-08 18:56:26

It's possible that he could use this to argue that you are an unfi mother and do not have enough money to feed and clothe your children. He could also look through your bank statements and find out exactly where you are spending your money. Every meal out, every time you have brought clothes for yourself etc will all come under scrutiny. He could try and argue that with the income you have being so low, your children are missing out on things so he'll be able to care for them better than you because he is more financially secure.

There are probably a load more things he could try. Seriously, it really is none of his business. The amount of money you have coming in does not reflect the amount of love and care that a parent gives to their children. Remember that. Stand up for yourself and don't let them intimidate you. They have no right to do this.

Saggarmakersbottomknocker Wed 03-Sep-08 19:00:42

Please don't do this. It Will End Badly.

Would he let you see his finances in detail? I very much doubt it.

TheCrackFox Wed 03-Sep-08 19:02:13

Tell. Him. To. Fuck. Off.

Having more money does not make someone a better parent and the courts would agree with me on that one.

HonoriaGlossop Wed 03-Sep-08 19:04:54

The main way it could come back to bite you is immediately - because he will know he is still able to control you and he will think you are still 'weak'.

It's none of his business. he does not have the power to 'rethink' you being your own children's main carer!

Ye gods; he sounds seriously abusive.

Bewilderbeast Wed 03-Sep-08 19:05:26

go to the CAB, you need to get some advice. I think you would be very ill advised to let him know your finances. Do you see his? If not then it's none of his beeswax.

catinthehat Wed 03-Sep-08 19:12:41

Hey Lunavix - I am interested in your income and outgoings. Can you please note them down for me by the end of Friday? I guess the amounts are going to change every month or so - can you please remember to keep me informed? Cheers. Oh, by the way, don't ask me similar questions because its none of your business.

[this is your opportunity to practice your reply - it should be some thing on the lines of "F* off Catinthehat"]

Honestly, this is how ridiculous he is being.

lunavix Wed 03-Sep-08 19:17:55

Does really noone see it as any good reason to do (excuse bad grammar, very stressed!)

He wants to know

how much bursary i get a month inc childcare, how much tax credits and how much housing, child and council tax benefit

he wants to know how much my rent is and how much childcare i pay.

I have just done a big post but dd chose to shut pc down so will attempt it again.

He is a very clever person. He knows how to manipulate people, he lies with ease and has a fantastic memory. I on the other hand cannot lie to save my life and have an awful memory. For example, I can remember him screaming and spitting at me. However I can't remember the situation or what happened to cause it - therefore I can't use the situation against him as I can't even back it up to make it sound like truth (does that make sense?) It goes for everything. When we went to mediation he got them to agree to the way he saw things. He had them agreeing with him that he should have access to the child benefit account, to spend as he wished. They also agreed that I should show him these finances. I can't remember if they put it in one of those summary letters or not. But everyone always always agrees with him.

He can, and has threatened, to make life difficult. If he didn't go for custody, he would go for shared. Not so bad sounding to most, but we have all, including him, and especially the kids, settled into the arrangement we have now and I don't want to disrupt it. Plus as on other thread it would not help my hopes of eventually moving from here at all.

Other things are he is NOT happy with my choice of childcare (a friend who is a CM) and is demanding copies of contracts etc. He has threatened to contest it. Also he has refused to drop them off and pick them up from hers which is a BIG problem.

I simply can't cope with making enemies of his family. During my nursing course I will have placements, where I may need to possibly ask them to help out having the kids a few evenings or on a weekend that isn't his. If I refuse this, he will make my life hard on purpose, then use the difficulties against me. I have no family, I have friends that offer to help but there is only so much I can ask of them.

lunavix Wed 03-Sep-08 19:19:45

I really thought there would be a few to defend his idea, something along the lines of 'uni is a very bankrupting experience, I'd hope you could support them too' lol... honestly noone? Don't get me wrong I have just lay down and rolled over on this with him.. which is why I'm still debating it a week and four days before I start uni. And getting angry phone calls regularly.

SlapAndTickle Wed 03-Sep-08 19:20:11

if he wants a divorce, part of that procedure is financial disclosure and he is entitled to see this in your FORM E. But you will get to see all his financial information too

Otherwise tell him NOTHING

SpandexIsMyEnemy Wed 03-Sep-08 19:21:11

did you end things with him?? partly it sounds like sour grapes, he needs to grow up and do whats best for the kids, not use them as pawns against you which is what he's doing now.

I suggest you go to mediation/court again and get this sorted once & for all legally written down.

AvenaLife Wed 03-Sep-08 19:22:23

don't give in to him for an easy life whilst you are training or he'll never stop. You wouldn't tell an acquaintance your income and expenditure if they asked you would you?

It's none of his business. You are not together any more. I know you need his help but not this way. Your life will never be your own. he's taking the piss and will get worse if you give in to him. You are stronger than this!

sagacious Wed 03-Sep-08 19:23:14

same as everyone else

tell him to fuck right off

he sounds like a total nightmare and you have my sympathies

OldLadyKnowsNothing Wed 03-Sep-08 19:24:04

I remember your last thread on this topic and can only repeat what others have said : Tell him to fuck off. It is absolutely none of his business how much money you have left at the end of the month, or what it's spent on - unless he has genuine reason to fear that the children are going without food or heat while you're recklessly boozing down the Sudent Union.

Which is unlikely, from what I've read.

He can threaten all he likes about taking the children off you but you know that's just not going to happen (and he almost certainly doesn't really want them anyway).

So, stand firm. The word you're looking for is "No". Keep using it.

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