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i think i have decided its for the best if i and h seperate. need advice re house and money

(23 Posts)
belcantavinissima Wed 03-Sep-08 12:16:51

he doesnt know yet. he is blissfully unaware that i know about the things he has been gettign up to (long story sad).

so i need to know what i need to do to make sure me and my children are kept in our house etc.

we have a mortgage but it is solely in his name ie the deeds and everything due to my poor credit history when we remortgaged. we have however got a thing signed with the solicitors saying that we have joint interest in the house. hope to god this is worth the paper its written on.

would he have to continue paying the mortgage? would i be able to get housing benefits to pay for it? dont think he would have enough money to rent somewhere and pay the mortgate. i dont work and cant really as have 3 dc, 2 of which have SN.

what other benefits would i be entitled to? how much does a divorce cost? would i have to pay too? how would i pay?

i dont have any money at all, just lots of debts. he gives me a set amount of money a month to cover ds1s school fees and about 1 weeks worth of shopping. the rest i have to cover with carers allowance, dla, child benefit and child tax credit (which is a pittance tbh)

any advice gratefully received. i just want to know where i stand before i go saying something to him i cant get out of sad. will not be seeing him til sunday night to discuss this and everything else.

belcantavinissima Wed 03-Sep-08 12:46:51


LadySanders Wed 03-Sep-08 12:54:36

you really need to see a solicitor to get a clearer picture, will be prob £100-£200 for an hour to get some advice but be worth it.

i recently got divorced, and the basic issue as i understand it is that the financial needs of the children are paramount. so if you got custody, which on first sight it sounds like you would (you are stay at home parent, he works), then your h would be obliged to support your 'reasonable needs'. Though of course the issue becomes about what constitute 'reasonable needs'... and if your h is a high earner its obviously going to be easier than if he's a lower earner. my ex is extremely wealthy but only had to provide me with a 2 bed flat because that's all i 'reasonably' needed for me and ds1 despite the fact that my lifestyle during the marriage had been pretty luxurious.

Child support centres around the figure of 15% net income for 1 child, 20% for 2 children, not sure what it is for 3.

If you genuinely have no assets other than the house it might be that you could get legal aid, i'm not sure how it works.

sorry can't help more, but really think investing a couple of hundred quid in an hour of a recommended solicitor's time is the answer as they can give you much more specific advice

mumoverseas Wed 03-Sep-08 12:56:32

Hi, firstly can I say I'm very sorry about the breakdown of your marriage. Having been through it myself, I know its not easy.
Secondly, please don't worry about the house being in his sole name. This is NOT a problem and in fact is more common than people think. At the end of the day, it is a matrimonial asset, and forms part of the matrimonial 'pot'. ie all the finances. In cases of divorce, the starting point is usually 50/50 but then various adjustments are done. The paramount concern of the court in a divorce are the welfare of any children, and keeping a roof over their heads (and yours of course!) You don't say how many bedrooms in the house but as you have 3 kids and a 3 or even 4 bed house(if both boy(s) and girl(s)) then you have a good case for staying put. If you have excess bedrooms, then your husband may have an arguement for the house to be sold and a smaller (and cheaper) house being provided for you. Depending on the financial situation, he would normally be expected to continue paying the mortgage but obviously he would get a share of the house in the future. supposing you stayed in the house, this could be on the basis of until your death, your voluntary sale of the house, your cohabitation (although not all Courts agree on this) or the youngest child reaching 16/17/ceasing full time education. At that point the property could be sold, and you would each get your share, whatever that was agreed to be (sometimes 50/50, sometimes 60/40, 70/30 depending on the overall circumstances)
With regards to divorce, it can cost from as little as around 500 if you do it yourself and just have the court fees to pay (if he agrees and doesn't contest anything this is sometimes possible) the court staff are usually quite helpful in providing assistance with the paperwork although they cannot give legal advice. If however, as you say you have no real income of your own and just debts, you should be eligible for some form of legal aid (legal funding) You should ask the CAB (or your local County Court) for recommendations on solicitors in your area that have a legal aid franchise.
Before you decide to tell him about you wanting out, you should consider whether you have grounds for divorce. Divorce is based on irretrievable breakdown of marriage which must be supported by one of five facts. From what you have said (ie things he has been getting up to) it sounds like you might have grounds for adultery or his unreasonable behaviour which would mean that proceedings could be commenced immediately. lot of solicitors now though like to try the mediation route, and indeed, if you apply for legal funding you are obliged to go for mediation and your husband will be invited to go but if he refuses that is ok, you will still be eligible for the funding without having to go through the mediation.

Hope this helps but if you need any more advice let me know and I'll keep an eye on this page. Good luck

lulumama Wed 03-Sep-08 12:56:44

you need to go to the CAB

they can point you in the right direction

you might be entitled to legal aid

housing benefit will not pay your mortgage

have a look at the website

but definitely go to CAB first, tehy will be able to advise

LadySanders Wed 03-Sep-08 12:56:54

also in terms of cost of divorce, mine came in at about £9,000 but would have been cheaper if ex had not dragged his feet and tried to delay.... but i asked for ex to pay my costs... if you are divorcing him for adultery/unreasonable behaviour then you can ask for him to pay the costs, though you'd still have to stump up the solicitors fees upfront. the actual divorce itself costs about £300 in terms of court fees etc.

mrsruffallo Wed 03-Sep-08 12:59:21

I have read your other threads, sorry it has come to this.
Do you think you will be able to come to a reasonable arrangment with him?

mumoverseas Wed 03-Sep-08 13:00:37

p.s. further to lady sanders advice above (posted whilst I was typing!) the current csa rate for 3 kids is 25% of his net income (gross less tax, NI and pension contributions) However I am aware that a new system is 'supposed' to come into effect this year so watch this space! You do not however have to go through the csa for maintenance if it can be agreed between you and your husband but to be honest, until you tell him you want out, you are not going to know how he is going to act!

beanieb Wed 03-Sep-08 13:01:24

Oh belcantavinissima, sorry to hear this. I've seen your other posts.

I know nothing abot the financial aspect but the agreement you have should be legal and if I were you I would go to the solicitor and get a copy if you haven't got one already. I had one and it was a godsend when I split with my EX.

belcantavinissima Wed 03-Sep-08 13:17:48

thank you all.

i never thought i would have to be someone who had to post about this kind of thing sad

the thing is that i just cannot trust him anymore, he doesnt treat me as he ought to. i feel disrespected in every sense. it could of course be so so much worse but i want out before it gets to that stage. i feel physically sick thinking ablout it. i want to be angry at him rather than pathetic and weak.

he is a higher tax payer- he earns £43,000 plus bonus every year (the bonus could be anything between nothing and 20k) shock
we have a 3 bed house, i def couldnt manage in anything smaller as the boys share a room as it is. also the house has been in MY family for generations. its the reason we got it- bought it off my grandmother when she became too frail to live alone. i WILL NOT let the house go if i can manage it.

just hope ds1 will get to stay in his school. we only moved him there 2 yrs ago as he couldnt cope with his state school. it would destroy him having to move back again.
that also leads me onto what the hell to tell the kids? having autism as well any change completely screws them up sad

mrsruffallo Wed 03-Sep-08 13:23:25

belcanta- I tyhink you need to talk to him before putting yourself through all of these awful thought processes.
I do think once trust has gone there is not much left but you it will help you to get it all out in the open with him

LadySanders Wed 03-Sep-08 13:25:38

i was told that when a child is already attending a fee paying school, the h is expected to maintain them there after divorce.

a 3 bed house for 3 kids is not extravagant so i think unless he's got a lot of debts you don't know about, its unlikely you'd have to leave.

so i don't think you should worry too much about those 2 issues for the time being.

Quattrocento Wed 03-Sep-08 13:29:29

You know Bel, there is only one pot of money. Your DH will need to house himself and you and your children. It is not easy to do this on an annual income of £43k, because he will only be getting less than £3k a month.

This is just a soft and gentle build up to saying that it might well mean that your DS has to leave his feepaying school.

for you all.

mumoverseas Wed 03-Sep-08 13:29:29

the further info provided on your house (ie the 3 rooms and the history - your grandmothers) makes your position to stay a much stronger one so hopefully that can provide some reassurance.
Are you absolutely certain it is over? Like you say, divorce is a big thing for the kids so if you are unsure, why not suggest relate or mediation? might be worth a go?

mumoverseas Wed 03-Sep-08 13:32:07

ref the school, have you thought about approaching them and finding out about bursaries? Most private schools offer then now and if he has SN surely you'd have a good chance? worth a go!

belcantavinissima Wed 03-Sep-08 13:42:13

we have done relate in the past after he had an affair before. it smoothed things over for a while but really for along time we have been together 'for the children'. however this week with him away i have noticed it has been a happier and calmer house for the children. strange really as he is hardly ever here when he is here iyswim.

i dont know whether it will come to divorce tbh but i def want him to move out for a while so we can both have a think and reassess the situation.
i just want to know my rights before i go diving in and confronting him becasuse once that door is open there may be no going back

belcantavinissima Wed 03-Sep-08 13:43:33

mumoverseas- its def something i would look into for sure. ds1 has SN but is also G&T so it would serve them well to keep him there! shame tho that it means ds2 and dd will prob never get there tho

mumoverseas Wed 03-Sep-08 13:53:34

if you are not sure about divorce, why not think about a Judicial separation/separation agreement? this document would set out that you are living separate and apart and could also set out the interim arrangements ref the finances (obviously only if he agreed) if after two years you then want a divorce you could go ahead on the basis of two years separation and his consent (assuming he would consent then) It looks like you've given it 100% and tried everything and if you and the kids have been happier with him gone, there is your answer!

belcantavinissima Wed 03-Sep-08 16:22:51

the kids didnt even notice he wasnt her the other day. they were fighting over who he would sit next to for dinner (despite the fact he is only ever here before bedtime at the weekend anyway) sad

how does this seperation thing work? do i need to go to cab/solicitors to sort it out?

dont know what the first steps would be.

feeling so sad right now. he has phoned me twice this afternoon and i have ignored the calls as i dont know what to say. i dont want to pretend to be happy and all chipper when i feel like shit but equally i dont want him to suspect that i am suspicious iykwim

mumoverseas Wed 03-Sep-08 16:30:39

if you are thinking of the separation agreement route it is probably best to see a solicitor to have it drawn up to make sure it is 100% watertight (i've seen ones prepared by the parties themselves which don't cover everything and then cause problems later on down the line if they then want to go ahead with divorce. I'm sure from what you've said you would be eligible for legal funding so make enquries with local solicitors regarding this. Its probably best to get an appointment sooner rather than later, particularly if he may not be happy once he realises our plans.
I know you must be very sad, I've been through divorce and it wasn't easy. However, I'm now married to a wonderful new man and we've just celebrated our 3rd wedding anniversary so there is life at the end of the tunnel!
When is he due back?

mumoverseas Wed 03-Sep-08 16:33:39

another important thing to bear in mind is because the house is in his sole name, if he throws a wobbly because of what you tell him, he might try the old 'its my house' line! that is bull** you are entitled to remain there. Technically, he could try to sell the house from under you so you would need to see a solicitor asap to put a matrimonial homes rights caution on it which would mean he wouldn't be able to sell it from under you. I hope for your sake he doesn't try to be difficult but having been a family lawyer for 10 years, sadly, I've seen it many times!

belcantavinissima Wed 03-Sep-08 16:34:13

he is due back fri night but i have to go on a hen weekend this weekend so i will be leaving before he gets back so wont actually see him til sunday eve. am sure i wont be wanting to discuss it then either but i cant just let it go on and on

mumoverseas Wed 03-Sep-08 16:41:32

thats good, at least you can have a nice weekend and get a stay of execution on talking to him!

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