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Sorry put this in legal too just in case - can h contest my choice of childminder?

(58 Posts)
lunavix Sun 27-Jul-08 19:28:08

I start uni sept and have been avoiding discussing it with h, we have been seperated a year and he knew i was accepted but if I give him too long to think over something he tends to throw up every hurdle possible.

I was accepted for uni when we were still together and he discussed using his mum who was working part time for childcare which I didn't agree with as I felt they needed time away (she mollycoddles them lol)

I want a good friend to childmind them, she's a registered childminder and very professional. As I'm currently a childminder myself I know all the local ones and there is probably three I'd trust with my children if I'm entirely honest. One is her, one is another lady who is full and doesn't do ds's school, and another is full and doesn't do ds's school except a friday. I wouldn't use a day nursery either, plus I don't want to seperate them. Ds is already starting full time school at the age of 4+5. I don't want too mcuh to change, this childminder is one of my best friends and they see her a lot and me leaving them there wouldn't even seem a seperation for them.

I told h on the phone today (we don't see each other at all bar drop off/pick up and even then its tense) about starting uni and using CM and he said he's not happy as the children spend too much time in 'my circle of friends' and need to socialise with other children. I explained that there are no other options realistically (I know he wasn't happy putting ds in nursery when younger so he'd only agree to one now out of spite) and he suggested his mum again - hardly with more children! She works four days a week so it would only be a very part time option, but I don't consider her reliable - she has spent at least 16 out of the last 40-odd weeks abroad on holiday and her work changes at the last minute so even for one day thats not the best. So I said well I have to pay for a fulltime space anyways so she can always have them when she likes anyways.

But then he said I had to prove all earnings/outgoings to prove I could support them while at uni - my course is bursary funded which is why I can afford to go and he knows this, and also knows I wouldn't go if I couldn't, but he's always liked control. He said i agreed to it at mediation - i didn't! I said it was controlling and refused! But he had insisted and the mediators said it sounded like a good idea and he's taken it as gospel. So he's coming over thursday (urgh he's never been in my house) for me to 'prove' my finances and THEN we will talk about childcare.

SO (sorry for rant!) my question - can he stop my kids using this CM? Cos if they don't go with her tbh I won't go because I won't be comfortable using any other care. And it's the best solution for their happiness. And I don't think I could afford it because she's very generous with flexibility. Which then means in september i will actually be unemployed.

fymandbean Sun 27-Jul-08 19:32:04

WHAT??? there is no way you should have him in the house or let him go over your finances.... get some legal advice... go to CAB or something.

lunavix Sun 27-Jul-08 19:54:52

I have always agreed, under duress, to try and keep things amicable. Even his parents thought him knowing the ins and outs of my finances reasonable no matter how much I protested.

Guess it's off to CAB - do they do phone conversations? I don't have a day off until September...

davidtennantsmistress Sun 27-Jul-08 19:57:48

it is NOT reasonable very much far from it - and another way for him to exhurt his controlling behaviour - tbh I wouldn't let mine see it.

do you have maintenance from him? is this a way for him to reduce it if he sees you have some 'surpless' to requirements?

edam Sun 27-Jul-08 19:59:29

He has no business at all enquiring into your finances - unless it's to do with maintenance? If not, tell him to sod off! And don't let him in the house if you don't want to. Call him and say 'I've had a chance to think about this now and I don't want to discuss my finances with you.' Then let him bluster as much as he likes but stand firm.

Why on earth are the mediators suggesting this course of action? Sounds very odd indeed. Agree, go to CAB and assert your rights.

ThatBigGermanPrison Sun 27-Jul-08 19:59:57


no nono no nonononononononononnoNONONONONO!

Do not let him in your house

Do not discuss your finances with him

It is not his business any more.

do not discuss your perfectly adequate childcare arrangements with him

It is not his business who looks after the children while you are at university.

You don't need to explain yourself to us - you don't need to explain yourself to him, all you need to do is say "I am happy with the arrangement I have made for their care, I feel no need and have no obligation to discuss my financial arrangements with you, feel free to bring to to court of you feel it is in their best interests."

davidtennantsmistress Sun 27-Jul-08 20:02:39

oh and btw I was under the understanding that mediation wasn't set ins tone and legally binding - althou i'm no expert on that front.

I would do as you wish tbh - and say the children are settled, you clearly have their interests at heart here and this is the better option - I don't see how it will effect him if those are not days he would usually have the DC's.

lunavix Sun 27-Jul-08 20:05:41

Can he take it to court??? Could they ever say as he has PR it's his choice too??

He doesn't pay maintenance. We owned a house together that MIL intervene and somewhat ousted me out of to keep her son happy. To be honest I wasn't arguing as in her own way it helped and we werne't living together. He kept paying mortgage, and didn't pay maintenance as couldn't afford it I have never argued this as I culdn't afford to pay half mortgage and rent on seperate house.

House is now sold. H asked if I'd pay half fees etc I don't have any money so said no. He claims he has had to buy another flat to waive a large redemption fee, although mil claims she has paid that fee. Either way, I don't want to push for maintenance as I'm sure they could twist it back on me and to be honest I am grateful, I haven't had the money to sort the house out.

Incidentaly, I thought maintenance was on their income, not mine? How much is excessive for him to say I don't need it lol

davidtennantsmistress Sun 27-Jul-08 20:12:25

no it is maintenance is something he should be paying - but I don't know your circs so won't comment as such. (mine with XH are complicated so know what you mean by not wanting to rock the boat).

maint. is his earnings yes. MIL sounds quite domineering as well tbh. (not sure if that's barking up the wrong tree or not)

PR - afaik (again no expert) the courts if you could show your child was well looked after etc and happy/settled I don't think they'd go in favour of your XP. and moving the DC's esp when you say all about MIL with her job etc.

ThatBigGermanPrison Sun 27-Jul-08 20:12:38

Maintenance is not about need! OMG You are being completely done over!!!!!!!!!!!!

Maintenance is 15% of his net income. Your situation is non of his business. If you were a merchant banker and he were a bin man, maintenance would still be 15% of his net income. He doesn't get less obligation as you get more money. It's NOT about need, and has never been calculated that way. He has to pay it anyway.

If the house was a joint house you are entitled to half the profit and liable for half the debt. Now the house is sold (and I do hope you got what you were owed on that) he has no excuse not to pay maintenance, so tell him you want it.

I cannot believe his cheek, he's conned you out of half a house, doesn't pay for his child and he wants to see your finances?

I'd tell him where to stick it. Then I'd tell the CSA where he works and lives.

lunavix Sun 27-Jul-08 20:18:35

The house has no profit. PILs lent us deposit and fees. It has sold for less due to market, and was on an interest only mortgage. So in essence all that is left is debt - which is why if I pursued maintenance I wonder if he will just say I owe him x thousand. Which to be honest I do. But for how long?

If he saw my finances, can he hold any of it over me. Say it said I went to uni and all expenses inc food etc I had £3 left to my name, or after expenses I had £500 over. (I wish! lol) To be honest I'd rather show him it, so we can get on to discussing finances. He's already told me if i'm not 'compliant' involving the kids he'll take me to court for full residency. Yes I know, a threat, ex's make them, but he would and I don't want the hassle.

Twiglett Sun 27-Jul-08 20:20:44

why doesn't he pay maintenance though .. he has a duty to feed, clothe and house his children

am confused

expatinscotland Sun 27-Jul-08 20:23:00

'To be honest I'd rather show him it, so we can get on to discussing finances. He's already told me if i'm not 'compliant' involving the kids he'll take me to court for full residency. Yes I know, a threat, ex's make them, but he would and I don't want the hassle.'

No, YOU don't want the hassle.

And he's talking out his arse. After all, he goes for residence and the first thing he'll be asked is why he doesn't pay maintenance.

You don't need to show him all your finances in order to discuss finances.

Is he going to show you all his?

You need to go and get some Legal Aid now. Because this man is fucking you over.

And you're letting him.

lunavix Sun 27-Jul-08 20:23:35

because legally i had to pay half mortgage on house which i couldn't afford. So instead he didn't pay maintenance (I got better deal)

now I don't want to pursue it as haven't paid mortgage for 4 months or any fees or anything since sale...

expatinscotland Sun 27-Jul-08 20:24:58

'because legally i had to pay half mortgage on house which i couldn't afford. So instead he didn't pay maintenance (I got better deal)'

No, you didn't get a better deal. He told you you did and you believe him.

ThatBigGermanPrison Sun 27-Jul-08 20:26:47

You shouldn't have to pay a mortgage on a house you can't live in because your ex won't let you!

You had to move out and you had to find a house for yourself and your son.

Had it gone to court, in a joint owned house he would have been ordered to move out and pay maintenance BECAUSE YOU HAVE RESIDENCY.

It didn't go to court - he was quite content to see his son move out of the family home, he can't now demand him back on the grounds that because you had to find him somewhere to live that wasn't his family home, you are poor.

Let him take it to court. He won't win.

Twiglett Sun 27-Jul-08 20:28:34

legally he has a duty to ensure his children are housed and fed

you legally gave up your rights in the house for no maintenance? Is that right? Did you sign anything?

God, you need a solicitor and a good financial advisor .. are you on any benefits? you could try the govt. one-stop shops for advice

expatinscotland Sun 27-Jul-08 20:32:45

If you haven't signed anything, then you have no agreement.

Please follow Twig's advice.

nannynick Sun 27-Jul-08 20:32:48

I am wondering what rights he has over your choice of childcare provider. You say you are separated, not divorced, so does that mean that there has been no ruling, or formal agreement for who has care and control of your children? Are you still both jointly responsible? If you don't have care and control, then I would have thought your childminder would need both parents signatures on the contract... as you have been a childminder yourself, what would you require was signed by parents - does it need both parents signatures?

I doubt he would be able to stop you using a certain childcare provider with out just cause. Expect he would need to prove that the provider was in some way unsuitable. I'm not a lawyer though... so seek professional advise.

edam Sun 27-Jul-08 20:36:14

Sounds like you have been royally screwed over. Did you ever get your own legal advice? The house was half yours. And he has a responsibility to contribute to the welfare of his children - by paying his fair share towards the cost of bringing them up, from housing/utilities to clothes, food, etc. etc.

DO go and see a solicitor PDQ.

lunavix Sun 27-Jul-08 20:44:15

I chose to move out, granted mil aided, but I couldn't live with him any longer. I didn't have my bags handed to me.

I have a solicitor, don't like him lol. He wrote a - i forget what it's called blush - petition for divorce? for h who ripped it up and threw it away. He said it was all libel (wasn't) althoughh one thing solicitor had totally exaggerated on. Anyways he made me feel very uncomfortable. H has said he will only agree to divorce on of adultery (I started a relationship months after we split up).

Have two dc's, incidentally.

Nannynick - shock that thought never crossed my mind. (thinks over) first family were couple, both signed. next two single with absent other parent. Next one couple only mum signed... It has NEVER occured to me to follow up on other parent. Noone has ever mentioned it either. My gosh.

Even if h agreed to use CM, he would never sign contract. It would make him liable for fees, surely? Can't see any seperated couple doing that.

expatinscotland Sun 27-Jul-08 20:45:23

then get another solicitor!

lunavix Sun 27-Jul-08 20:45:23

Okay where has my text gone. divorce on grounds of adultery, and relationship 6 months after we split up.

lunavix Sun 27-Jul-08 20:46:20

No local solicitors take legal aid.. I believe he was the only one. His nickname locally is the 'rottweiler' apparently he plays dirty and isn't respected.

ThatBigGermanPrison Sun 27-Jul-08 20:50:06

If he doesn't wish to be liable for fees and won't sign the contract, he has no right to object to the carer you choose! Can't you see the logic in that?

Go and see CAB, and get some proper advice, your ex sounds like an interfering dickwad who thinks he has more rights and less responsibility than is, in fact, the case.

Don't agree to divorce on grounds of adultery, stick him with unreasonable behavior (and if it wasn't when you were living with him, it is now - oh, what? Can't use things if you're already separated? bang goes his claim of adultery then!)

He's using a constant double standard with you Lunavix - hang him with his own rope.

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