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Dh being a prick , I really dont want a divorce but I cant see any other way .

(50 Posts)
Nextstepplease Sun 12-Aug-07 12:09:17

Been together 12 yrs. Have two children age 5 & 7. I gave up my career to do the child care and I now have a part time job ( term tim etc ) well under the tax threshold.

I do all the childcare , school picup , drop off, run to GP , hospital appointments, take time off if one is sick etc etc.

My Dh doe snot have to worry about any of this and goes to work , comes home etc. He is good with the children at the weekend , but unfortunately he expects me to be a Stepford wife, have the house clean and tidy etc. Now I am first to admit that I am not much of a home makeer, but the house Is clean and tidy , children have good healthy meals and comparec to some other friends house then mine is a a palace.

Our relationship has been stormy for sometime , he refuses to go to Relate, have been there once myself my really need him to go aswell.

In the past month he has spent £1000 on a new TV and camera which we really didn't need. Last month I spent £80 on clothes for summer , he lost the plot at that !

He is now threatening me that he will pay his salary into a separate account and just give me house keeping , he even had the chek to want me to pay half the bills ! How I dont know ( earn less than £300 a month ) I said Ok to this on condition he ddi half the child care- take and pick up the kids to school, coook their meals etc . He shut up when he suggested this.

I think he has really lost the plot this time , howebver where do I stand if he does stop paying the one household wage into the main account , I honestly feel like a salve in my own home. At the weekends I will say I would like to do this he will say 'No you need to tidy up the kids rooms '.

I am going to keep a diary of it all, as I know that I will have reasonable grounds for divorce should it end that way, But I dont want a divorce I need him to see how unreasonable he is. I am not goin to leave the family home but would seriously like him to go at the moment.

What about seperation ? How long would it take ? Would I be able to go to see a solictor and court and get an order to make him leave ?

He has thrown things at me on two occassions in the last month , both times in front of the kids. He verbally abuses me about my weight, not that he is Mr Slim fast 2007 !

I just cant face the whole finailty of a divorce at the moment.

Any advice out there ?

NineUnlikelyTales Sun 12-Aug-07 12:13:50

Oh you poor thing This is ringing serious alarm bells for me and if he won't seek counselling I don't see what other options you have except divorce.

How do you think he would take it if you explained that you are going to divorce him unless things change immediately and unless he joins you in the counselling? He will have to hand over a substantial amount of his income if you do this.

If he continues throwing things at you or if the violence escalates, just leave, even if it only happens once. Keep a diary and call the police if you have to.

Take care of yourself and your childre, that is your priority.

throckenholt Sun 12-Aug-07 12:15:13

show him this post and see what his reaction is.

I would say if you are married with kids then you are a partnership - his wages are the family income (as are yours) - and it is not up to just him how they are spent.

For my part I would suggest that the kids are getting to the age where they can keep their own rooms tidy and help around the house (if for no other reason that you don't want to raise them with his attitude.

Nextstepplease Sun 12-Aug-07 12:20:43

The thing is that it is threats all the time with him and the thing about him paying his wage into a differnt account , I just told him to do it, I wasn't gping to beg with him or have an argument , because as soon as he does change the bank account I'm afraid that I really have no option but to go down the separation route . I will ask him about counselling which he will refuse again , so I think when the time comes to go to court I will be in a very good position, I dont think he quite realises this .

saadia Sun 12-Aug-07 12:20:43

What a horrible situation, I think keeping a diary is a very good idea. The idea of him telling you what you have to do (clean rooms) is really not right. Could you just refuse to do anything for him - ie deal with the kids but not deal with his washing, meals etc. I know it will escalate things but IMO you are already doing enough - a job and looking after the home. Where both partners work housework should be shared.

He needs to realise that you also have grievances.

Nextstepplease Sun 12-Aug-07 12:24:14

My other concern is that he is losing the plot amd may be heading for a break down. He lost it agin yesterday when I wnet up to the garage to get some car cleaning stuff , I also filled the car up with petrol , when I got home he went ballistic accusising me of spedning £40 on car shampoo etc , when I had actually paid for it togther with a full tabnk of petrol, this makes me think that ther may be something lese beneath all this .

Beetroot Sun 12-Aug-07 12:28:24

he does sound like he is having problems - is he stressed at work? does he run his own business? I something not going well financially that is making him worry?

Although he spent 1000 quid recently so he cannot be that worried.

he is very controlling

has he always been like this?

I would start a stash - just in case - open your own bank account and start putitng bits of money away for emergengies

Nextstepplease Sun 12-Aug-07 12:37:44

He is very controlling , never used to be , I certainily will say that the relationship is no way a partnership between us he thinks he is in control.

The joke is that he spent the money on Tv & camera, blew lost of money on his Dads birthday and is now telling me that we have to have a reign on the money because I spent £80 on clothes ! The joke is that the night after we agrued about this he ordered a new camera on the internet , hence why I am going to keep a diary of all this . His behaviour is totally unreasonable .

But could I get I an order from courts to get him to leave so we can sort this mess out, he will then see that I mean business .

Beetroot Sun 12-Aug-07 12:42:21

if you own the house together then you cannot force him to leave. You can ask him to, say you want a separation.

But it sounds as if he will refuse to go anyway.

He will know you mean business

and you can stop being a doormat - make him realise that he has to pull his weight.

and as I said start saving - if everything works out then buy a holiday

FloriaTosca Sun 12-Aug-07 12:48:44

I have to say that to me it sounds like something underlying very wrong that you dont know about....it might be nothing but sils ex behaved in a similar way when he was having an affair and a friend was (in his own admission)rather nasty to his wife when he got into serious debt gambling...not that I'm sugesting your dh has done either but perhaps he has issues that he isnt telling you about.
Everyones relationship is different but in my case, if my DH started behaving like this and wouldnt talk to me about it I'd make an appointment for him to go "alone" to relate, hand him the appointment and leave him to it...if he cant accept help for himself then I think your thoughts about divorce might be justified

Nextstepplease Sun 12-Aug-07 12:49:41

The house is in his name only, I move in with him and subsequently sold my own property ( not much proft unfortunately ).

Has always refused to put my name on house, although now we are married and have children I dont see what difference it makes.

I have asked him to leave before and ll he says is ' Its my house , you leave but you dont take the children with you.'

So if I did leave with out the children he would turn round and say I abandoned them and it wouldn't look good on me would it ?

So hence asking if I could get him out some other legally way , only for a separation.

throckenholt Sun 12-Aug-07 13:10:06

I think if you are married you have joint ownership of assets (eg house) regardless of whose name they are in.

Beetroot Sun 12-Aug-07 14:12:38

well you could leave with the children if it is that bad. but all advice says to stay in the marital home.

However he does not sound like someone who will leave voluntarily

startouchedtrinity Sun 12-Aug-07 14:52:48

I think you should go and see a solicitor asap. You need to clarify the situation re the house not being in your name, plus they can advise about getting an injunction out in order to stop your dh coming to the house - you do not need a divorce for this as far as I know.

Judy1234 Sun 12-Aug-07 15:39:11

Go on the Land Registry web site and print out I think it's called form G to register your right to live in the hosue that is in his name so he cannot remortgage or sell it without notice to you. You can do that in about 5 minutes.

Consider going back to full time work and out earn him - that will put him firmly in his place as lower earner etc etc. Be great for the dynamics of your relationship too. The model of housewife and male earner is a dodgy one at best of times and this thread certainly proves it. Women give up careers at their peril.

other option... become the Stepform Wife, buy new underwear, lose 3 stone. That might work too but I prefer "woman as Managing Director of BP" option etc. More fun.

Nextstepplease Mon 13-Aug-07 07:32:56

Go back to work full time and out earn him ? Now let me think about that one and get my children to be brought up by who ???

Oh FFS Xenia get in the real world !

I am in no mood at the moment for your debates on this thread .

Thank you everyone else for you posts .

WaynettaSlob Mon 13-Aug-07 07:36:12

NSP - Xenia's advice about the Land Registry was helpful, was it not?

Nextstepplease Mon 13-Aug-07 07:37:38

Yes that bit was . but then going onto one abput the erils of women giving up careers and a kind of 'told you so ' wasn't !

norkmaiden Mon 13-Aug-07 07:40:23

Xenia is being just a little tongue in cheek, and has given you top advice about the form you need to stop your dh screwing you financially, should he choose to - I reckon you should be thanking her not swearing at her!



Really hope things work out for you.

WaynettaSlob Mon 13-Aug-07 07:41:15

Agree - probably not what you need right now.
Do the Land Registry thing right now.
How were things yesterday?

Nextstepplease Mon 13-Aug-07 07:42:09

Do you know waht , after the weekedn I have had , if I wanted tongue in cheek comments I would post on 'Jokes 'thread !

I really dont need it at the moment .

norkmaiden Mon 13-Aug-07 07:43:33

Sorry to hear that, Next.

Definitely do the form in that case.

Nextstepplease Mon 13-Aug-07 07:45:22

Wayne - tried to speak to him last night in a calm manner , but he saod there were lots of other thimgs aswell which he refused to go into to, stormed off and slept in the spare room .

I know that things are a bit stressful at work but he wont talk to me about it, infact he doesn#'t seem to engage me in any conversattion, I really tried yesterday but all i get is 'yes ' no or a grunt . It is really taking up alot of my emotional energy at the moment.

startouchedtrinity Mon 13-Aug-07 07:45:28

NSP, I am a SAHM and think it very important. But I intend to start earning part-time as soon as ds is at pre-school for the very reasons Xenia describes. I hope dh and I have sorted our problems but if not and we ever do separate I know that the state will do all it can to avoid picking up the tab - I need to be able to support us. Also what if something happens to your dh? Do you have life insurance for him?

I do think it unfair to have a go at Xenia when she has given you free advice that coudl ensure you stay in your home. If you really can't face working there is a polite way of telling her that.

Nextstepplease Mon 13-Aug-07 07:48:46

I do work - I work part time like you found a job when yougest went to school. somthing that revolves round school hours and term time. But not enought to keep a family and never will.

Life insurance , pensions etc all sorted so and I have a private pension that will come out when I am 60 . I will not be in poverty should DH snuff it !

Howver going back to work full time and EARN MORE THAM DH is not really a practical solution is it ?

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