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Am I wrong...

(19 Posts)
OnNaturesCourse Wed 05-Apr-17 16:39:34

Just found out when trying to get a Agreement in Principle for a mortgage that my DP has ran up debt on his credit card for day to day living expenses instead of talking to me so we could shift some money around to help him (we have separate and joint accounts) I even asked him not long ago if he had anything on the credit card and he said no! Im very annoyed at him for getting into this situation, it could have easily been avoided if he had been open... Unfortunately the debt has grown and between us it will take a few months of doing nothing and buying nothing extra to pay it off. Im pregnant and we are currently looking to buy/save towards our first home and put money aside for after full maternity pay runs out and save for baby things. His attitude makes me think im wrong to be upset?! Am I? How do i approach this with him without causing a fight? (Right now i want to strop and huff but know i must not) Ive been going without luxuries to save for our future so im extra annoyed, hes had new video games and nights out. Last week I had to take him clothes shopping.. Out of my savings. Argh, men.

Notreallyhappy Wed 05-Apr-17 16:59:48

Your not wrong to be upset by this. You feel let down that youve had to step back slightly from your next step together.
I can't have an opinion on how to broach the subject as I don't understand the way couples keep finances so separate now. We have a what's yours is mine approach here with no secrets or separation in money. Good luck.

OnNaturesCourse Wed 05-Apr-17 17:47:11

We have the bill account etc joint but the "free " money separate. I just feel let down as I budget for us so hard for it to be blown

Allthebestnamesareused Wed 05-Apr-17 22:30:00

Why are you taking a grown man clothes shopping. I assume he hasn't outgrown stuff like a kid !

This isn't actually helping him realise he can't afford these things.

OnNaturesCourse Wed 05-Apr-17 22:50:42

He needed new stuff, as did I. But we are both penny counting so I took it from savings.

He doesn't have savings. He gives me 80% or there about of his wages for us (bills) and savings

tippii Thu 06-Apr-17 00:25:57

You have every right to be upset and feel let down. You are doing without luxuries saving everything you can for your future family and home, knowing things will be tighter financially when you are on maternity leave. You have made decisions based on the information your DP has given you, but have just found out he has lied to you, run up debts purely for his own self indulgence.

Not only has this made you question his honesty and integrity but more importantly his commitment. The fact that you feel you need to pay towards clearing his credit card debt and he had no problem with you paying for his new clothes are red flags.

I am afraid he is putting himself firmly first, a DP who is an expectant father should be truthful, supporting himself and saving towards his baby. My advice to you would be put yourself and your baby first. Don’t help clear his credit card it is not your responsibility to pay for his selfish indulgences. It doesn’t need to be an argument, you can just say you can’t afford it and need to save you money for when you take maternity leave. Take a step back from the mortgage until after you have the baby, hopefully DP will step up and show you he is a true partner by putting you and your baby first.

socialengineering Thu 06-Apr-17 01:00:45

I've just found out similar this evening. I'm fuming, it feels like a breech of trust.

I've had this with dh before and he hasn't learnt his lesson from now on he doesn't get to run his account privately, I absolutely expect access to monitor spending etc.

flowers I'm not pregnant though, so this must be really tough and disappointing for you.

Is he just being flippant about it?

OnNaturesCourse Thu 06-Apr-17 10:06:47

He didn't even mention it. I found out during the day while at work. Got home and the place had been cleaned top to bottom so he was clearly aware he had annoyed me and was trying to get out the bad books. To be honest I was that sick feeling yesterday that I just let him grovel and said nothing. I do need to discuss it with him though.

I already manage the finances, he gets left with a little free money each week... And I've always said if it's not enough he needed to let me know but it seems he didn't want to ask so turned to his credit card.

Member652554 Thu 06-Apr-17 10:21:40

I appreciate you feel upset and disappointed and I agree your DP should have prioritised your family needs above his indulgences for video games and nights out , especially with a baby on the way. However, I would be rather uncomfortable if the tables were turned and a you were giving him total control of earnings and you had to ask him for money or borrow money on a credit card iywim. In my experience people don't like asking for money, even when they know they can and should . So maybe it is worth considering a shared responsibility for the family finances and so he feels he has equal access to funds as well as equal responsibility to optimise savings in light of your growing family. I know it can be an awkward feeling when you feel you have to reprimand your DP but early communication will hopefully reduce stress on you both. All the best.

Feelinglikeafailure Thu 06-Apr-17 10:24:13

He gives 80% of his wages for bills and savings?? That's incredibly high. What percentage of your wage do you contribute?

QuiteLikely5 Thu 06-Apr-17 10:25:33

The allowance he has is not enough for him.

How much was the CC?

It doesn't need to affect your mortgage application?

Unless you are trying to lend close to your limit??

OnNaturesCourse Thu 06-Apr-17 10:31:32

Member. We have shared control... He has access to it all but I budget the joint account and savings. The joint account is bills only so we rarely take anything out. The savings are accessible but he doesn't touch them and prefers me to log in and transfer money to his account. He hates online banking and doing stuff like that but it's not like he doesn't have the access. Vast majority of his wage goes to the savings at the moment

OnNaturesCourse Thu 06-Apr-17 10:34:55

Feeling... That's a rough estimate. It's maybe a bit lower. His goes to the savings accounts mainly. Nearly 100% of mine goes to the bill account, the rest on the pets we own and home maintenance. I'm left with about £20 for luxuries. I assure you he has more. He works OT each week and that money is solely his.

OnNaturesCourse Thu 06-Apr-17 10:37:46

Quite... It shouldn't effect it but I'm not sure how he expects me to fill in such applications and budget without telling me what's going on.

I asked him recently what bills we pay, how much council tax etc... He didn't have a clue. He said "I give that money to you (joint account) to deal with. Im crap with money"

OnNaturesCourse Thu 06-Apr-17 10:39:37

Note. The Agreement in Principal was a self done online application that does a soft credit check after asking you to input income, debts etc... It kept failing on the info he gave me (no debt) which is why this came about

QuiteLikely5 Thu 06-Apr-17 10:41:39

But how much is the debt I think that's relevant here

OnNaturesCourse Thu 06-Apr-17 10:46:35

I dont feel comfort putting the figure here.

It's easily the cost of all inclusive holiday and will take us months to pay off, without doing all our usual saving. I am still going to insist on putting money aside for baby and mat leave.

Pigwitch Thu 06-Apr-17 10:53:07

I wouldn't have a joint bank account with someone I wasn't married to for a start. Hell I don't have one with my husband.
His credit card his business. You need to let him have control over his own finances.

OnNaturesCourse Thu 06-Apr-17 11:10:00

I would but I'd end up chasing him for shares of bills etc

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