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Brother keeps asking me for money - WWYD?

(45 Posts)
Jng1 Thu 16-Mar-17 11:46:10

I'm in my 50s with DH & teen kids. DB is a few years older, single, not married or in a partnership etc.

DH & I have both worked, are comfortably off and looking forward to paying mortgage off/travelling retirement etc. Have two teens who we hope to support through Uni.

My DB, after uni degree, has never really managed to settle into anything. Seems to fall out with people/ leave jobs. He is very creatively talented (photography), but won't put his work out there - is always going on about how people steal images online etc.
He hasn't really had a job since his twenties. I don't really know how he's managed - a combination of benefits, odd freelance work and being very frugal I guess.
(We live 500 miles apart, so I don't see him much, and he has never shown any interest in my family (doesn't send birthday cards to his neice & nephew) or what I'm doing - we've never really been very close).
A few years ago we both inherited some money from family and he wanted to buy a small house in a fairly remote town. At the time I questioned whether this was a good idea as he doesn't drive, so he is a bit stuck to the local area and bus routes, but he was adamant that it was what he wanted.
He didn't have quite enough money, so I loaned him over £10k of my part of the money so he could get his house. He asked for more at the time "to decorate", but I said no, that was all I could offer.
Anyway, now, about 5 years later, he says he wants to move, but can't afford all the costs etc, so can I lend him more money (over £1000).
I've said no, because I don't have spare cash (true) and I'm no longer working (true).
He keeps sending me emails saying how tight things are for him (he has form for this over the years...) and I feel like he is trying to guilt me into giving him cash. If I make any suggestions about him finding casual work, or joining online services like Upwork etc he just deflects it all saying 'there isn't any' or that the 'rates of pay are too low'. hmm

I've sent him lists of suggestions of websites to look at, and jobs I think he could do, but he has an excuse for not doing them all.
I suggested he sell a few bits and pieces on ebay (which is how I generate a bit of cash), but he says he 'hasn't got anything'.
I recently reminded him that I lent him about £500 when we in our late 20s and he never paid that back (I stupidly didn't get a receipt, and it was pre-email days). He now just denies all knowledge and says I am making it up!

Now I've found out that since 'I've refused to help him' he's started emailing his friends asking for money, but they have basically said the same as me.

I do worry about him, but I just don't want to lend him any more money. DH says he will just be back again in 18 months time with a reason for why he hasn't paid me back, and asking for more. WWYD?

Jng1 Thu 16-Mar-17 11:47:02

Sorry - I should also point out, I am now his only close living relative...

user1483387154 Thu 16-Mar-17 11:48:04

no way would I be lending/giving him more money. You won't get it back and he is completely financially irresponsible.

Maudlinmaud Thu 16-Mar-17 11:53:05

Nope.

ofudginghell Thu 16-Mar-17 11:53:20

Tell him to sod off 😳
How old is he?
He obviously doesn't see you as a close relative if he can't even be arsed to send birthday cards for your dc.

Put your foot down. Tell him to stop acting the victim and get of his ass and earn money instead of sponging.
Sorry but this really irritates me.
I have a sister four years older than me who is currently doing a very good job of draining my parents recent inheritance but she doesn't bloody work and lives in takeaways gin and the pub most weekends so have no tolerance for it.
The more you lend it should I say kiss goodbye to,the more you are enabling him to carry on his lifestyle.

You,your dh and your dc are where your priorities lie,not with a grown man who can't sort himself out

Jellybean85 Thu 16-Mar-17 12:05:45

Stand your ground. You've been more than generous. He's a grown man who needs to stand on his own two feet. Your kids are going to need that money more going through uni. This isn't a one off emergency it's constant, and saying the hourly rate isn't enough insinuates he thinks he's above the job. If he was desperate he'd do anything.

Did you ever get the £10,000 back??

Scrumptiousbears Thu 16-Mar-17 12:11:44

Agree with PP. Don't give him anymore and don't expect that £10k back either.

My uncle is like this to my mum. He is a protester and doesn't agree with conforming, the law, working etc etc but soon taps my mum for money when he is skint. Never worked a real job in his life

Jng1 Thu 16-Mar-17 12:12:15

ofudginghell - ah, you probably understand the situation well then!

Tell him to stop acting the victim and get of his ass and earn money instead of sponging. - To be honest, I've tried this in the past, and it just doesn't work. What happens is that he then goes on a massive defensive and will send me a 4 x A4 page length email (usually written at 1 am) all about how hard he has had it/ how my parents favoured me/ how I don't understand how difficult it all is etc etc... It's exhausting and upsetting to be honest.
If he put half as much effort into finding work as he does asking for loans then I'm sure he'd be fine.

I now realise that he used to do the same thing to my parents and they would just be vague and say 'oh, we're really sorry, we don't have any spare cash right now...'
That's the approach I now try to take, but my brother then had the cheek to try to ask how much our monthly income was!

Jng1 Thu 16-Mar-17 12:14:26

Thankfully I had the good sense to tie up the £10k loan into the house he owns, so I can get it back if he sells, or if he died before me. Of course it's not earning any real interest as that area of the country hasn't had much, if any, property growth.

Jng1 Thu 16-Mar-17 12:16:57

Scrumptiousbears - omg, my brother is exactly the same... the world is against him and it's everybody else's fault that he doesn't have any work/money. He has hours to spend frittering his time away on spurious hobbies though!

WateryTart Thu 16-Mar-17 12:17:04

Just keep saying no, OP. It will never stop if you weaken.

ofudginghell Thu 16-Mar-17 12:47:28

Tell him not to bother with the four page email after your refusal to GIVE yet more money as you won't be emotionally manipulated anymore and won't open and read it.

If an email does arrive delete straight away and don't feel guilty.
I know all too well how it feels but I get stuck in the middle when my parents try and brush it off or lie and pretend some cash has been paid back. confused

When it was ds birthday she spent the week with a long face saying how her dh couldn't afford to buy her a birthday present as they were skint.
Three days later her social media was filled with a lovely evening meal out,lots of alcohol and a lunch out the following day hmm
And yet my parents probably funded it!!!!

I'm too proud and hate asking for money.
I have a tyre that needs big attention on my car and yet I can't do anything about it till pay day (tomorrow thank god)yet I wouldn't ask my parents to borrow the cash as I'd rather wait.

HSMMaCM Thu 16-Mar-17 13:06:42

Ask him if you can have the £10k back to help with kids uni fees. He might shut up then.

Wishiwasmoiradingle2017 Thu 16-Mar-17 13:10:20

Isn't 'no' a complete sentence on mn??
Sorry Bro but no - regards op. .
Job done.

geordiedench Thu 16-Mar-17 13:11:17

You have no obligation to keep funding him. He has a home. He has no dependants. You do. He's free to live frugally and not enter the job market if that's how he wants to live but not by sponging from you and friends.

kath6144 Thu 16-Mar-17 13:48:36

Just remember that No is a complete word. And repeat. Or ignore.

My DB has worked 2 yrs in his 57 yrs, his wife works whilst he sits on his backside. And like your DB, nothing is ever his fault, the world owes him a living, why should I work if I can sponge of others (he has said this in as many words!). He's just a lazy twat.

I found out 2yrs ago by accident that he had been bankrolled by my mum for years (she couldn't say no) and he had also blackmailed her to give him a large deposit to buy their house. And sworn her to secrecy so I didnt get the same. He was livid when I found out accidentally (she was in hospital, I was managing her finances) and she wanted to make things equal. He could see part of his inheritance disappearing. And she stopped bankrolling him too once I knew.

We both had an inheritence when mum died last year, not a massive amount but I suspect his wont last long.

He has never asked me for money, and I dont think would dare, even now mum isnt around to bankroll him! He knows I would ignore any request and just laugh at him. He is not a particularly nice person, has said some horrid things about me in past. And yes, totally stopped birthday and xmas cards as we dont play his games. My teenage DS hates his guts. Couldn't bare to be in same car as him at mums funeral.

He has never actually asked our earnings but did once ask if we are millionaires yet 😳?! His wife's employers are millionaires, I think he thinks all professionals are! After we found out about the house deposit, we purposely changed our wills so he wouldn't be a joint executor with SIL if we both died. I didnt want him anywhere near my money!

You need to just ignore his emails, maybe do as I did - set up a new email account for him only - so you dont see them unless you choose to open that account. Then ignore, ignore, ignore.

Jng1 Thu 16-Mar-17 14:06:53

Gosh, sort of reassured to hear I'm not alone confused

kath - interesting what you say about your will - might think about mine. At the moment if DH & I and kids were all killed in e.g. a car crash then my brother would get half our estate. Think I'd rather leave it to charity, or for an educational bursary or something.

Like you, I also found out how much my parents had been bankrolling my DB when I had power of attorney for their affairs. I know that in later years my dad in particular (who was holder of the purse strings) just refused to engage, and then I would get my brother harassing me, trying to get me to talk to him, or ranting on about how 'mean' dad was!?

kath6144 Thu 16-Mar-17 14:20:02

Fortunately DB was never a beneficiary of our wills, even if we all died. We have nieces, a nephew, godson, who it will go to. One is his daughter. Our wills are now written so DC also become executors at 18 as DS was approaching that birthday when we wrote them.

His DD also inherited, with my DC and others, from a cousin of ours. He was livid (again!!) that cousin left money to cousins children, not cousins. DB is the only cousin who wanted the money, all others happy for it to go to next generation. Oh and cos I have 2 DC, he has only one, 'we' got double my cousins money. "Just not fair, you have more than us." Stamps foot like toddler. WTF!!

These men and women are just so entitled, I honestly dont know how we came from same parents.

miniatureegg Thu 16-Mar-17 14:27:56

Good heavens No, No and No. otherwise he will never learn and you/some other poor person will be funding him till the end of his days.

Jng1 Thu 16-Mar-17 14:34:48

Oh kath - exactly same thing happened with my parents estate - they left DB & me equal amounts but chose to leave rest in trust for the grandchildren and my DB had the biggest hissy fit ever - didn't stop ranting for weeks about how he was going to court to challenge it (he didn't), how it wasn't fair, how he had been verbally 'promised' x,y,&z and how I 'must have manipulated mum and dad to write the will' shock (will was written 12 years before they died and I didn't know anything about it).
These men and women are just so entitled, I honestly dont know how we came from same parents. Couldn't agree more...

ofudginghell Thu 16-Mar-17 14:52:26

I also can't believe me and my dsis came from the same parents shock
Brought up with the same values and how to get anywhere you have to put as much in as you want out etc etc.
I stuck to the rule but got lost on dsis. confused

I was paying keep at 16 when I went into an apprentiship scheme earning a pittance and covering my own necessities and travel. At that time dsis was 5 years older than me had just got a job two days a week in a cafe and wasn't paying a penny.

Everything we have in our home we have worked hard and earnt it and I'm proud of that.
But victims don't ever feel proud of achievements and you won't ever change that.

I recently got a status change for many years of hard service in my work role and it's a massive massive thing but dsis hasn't even mentioned it,not even a well done text or message at all.
Them people are bitter and jealous.
Stick to your guns op.
Deep breath and walk away.
Don't let it or db upset you anymore.
You don't need toxic in your life

kath6144 Thu 16-Mar-17 15:07:16

You don't need toxic in your life

So, so true. Mum always treated him as a golden child, "poor boy, hasn't got a job" etc 'well whose fault is that? 😳' We argued so much, mainly about him, she always agreed with him, sun shone out of his backside etc etc.

So since she died, whilst I miss her, I don't miss the toxicity the 2 of them brought to my life. I haven't seen him since we signed probate last April, and unlikely to again. His DD made it up north on mums 1st anniversary and we bumped into her and Boyf at Crem, lovely but it just highlighted how selfish he is. She bankrolled him, always put him first, yet he couldn't be bothered to pay respects on that day. Not surprising, but sad.

We have minimal contact, although ironically he has been quite normal since she died. As DH says, he has lost his 'conduit' to get at me. He knows I will go completely NC if he puts a foot out of line. Sad he couldn't have been nicer when she was alive.

AndHoldTheBun Thu 16-Mar-17 17:13:40

Op, am I understanding this correctly? Your brother, you done get on well with, and who has no dependents is in your will and stands to inherit HALF YOUR ESTATE? Obviously it's your money to bequeath but why would you leave him anything under the circumstances- let alone half? You have dc who could benefit from your estate...

AndHoldTheBun Thu 16-Mar-17 17:15:23

Ah sorry I just re-read and saw that you meant if your dc were also killed blush

Lottylovesbread Thu 16-Mar-17 17:18:19

You're not his mother. Start every request with a no! Only reply to emails or texts that don't ask for money. Stop trying to find him work or suggestions of where else he can find the money. He is guilt tripping and if you don't stop it now then you'll probably get brow beaten and give him money. Remind him you have kids to support and he's not one of them!

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