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I've ruined everything and I can't confess

(51 Posts)
Lostsoul84 Mon 06-Mar-17 20:37:19

I've ruined everything and I cannot bring myself to confess. I'm on the verge on a break down and I'm hiding it all.
I've spent on my partners credit card and got him into debt. 6K. It was 4K before but I've taken him over his limit. I was making the repayments so was going under oticed by him. Foolish of me. But then I had a hiccup.
My dad passed in 2014 and he was my rock. I could always rely on him to advice. My OH wasn't around when our child was born for a few reasons of other people meddling. It took a lot for me to trust him and let him back in our lives and then 5 years on I lose my dad and I start doing things and spending his money behind his back. I don't even remember doing it. Like another part of me was doing it all.
SInce I've missed the payments the bank have been in contact and I've lied. I didn't realise I was doing it at the time and now it's spiralled out of control. I'm scared he'll kick me out of the house. He'll stop me seeing our child. I don't know how to tell him it's all my fault without him hating me forever.
I deserve to be hated for lying but I want to make it right. I'm having suicidal thoughts at times which isn't healthy. And I'm scared what might happen if and when I tell him.
He deserves to know I know that. Just cannot pick up the courage to tell him. I want to make it right. I want to pay it all back. I can't explain where the money has gone. Just on nonsense. Which doesn't help.
He proposed last year. And I'm so worried about telling him. I'm worried how it will effect our daughter.
I'm scared what him might do. Not hit me I don't think he would ever do that. But I don't know how to approach it and admit it.
I need his help to get back on track. And I need to take responsibility for it all. I think he is going to hit the roof and I don't blame him.
Since losing my dad I feel lost. And I don't feel like I've got anyone to turn to. I've never been that close with my mum. I worry that he will end things but I don't blame him at the same time. I have lied to his face. But I think there is something wrong with me as I don't remember doing all the spending. I feel like I was a passerby watching on.

Any advice would be welcome. I can imagine it's a tough time one.

Introvertedbuthappy Mon 06-Mar-17 20:59:14

I'm sorry about your Dad but you need to stop sticking your head in the sand and own up. What you have done will have damaged your partner's credit rating for years to come and affected his ability to gain credit and a mortgage etc. It is really serious, especially defaulting in payments. You need to tell him tonight and expect him to be angry. Also please don't make the excuses you have here, take responsibility and apologise and tell him the extent of it then allow him time to process it. What you've done is very serious but you need to tell him sooner rather than later.

Aside from that I think it would be worth you paying a visit to the GP for your low mood and to help you process your grief. I wish you luck with this, but you really owe it to your partner to tell him what you've done so he can attempt to salvage the situation.

Lostsoul84 Mon 06-Mar-17 21:11:07

I totally understand what you are saying. He's actually away tonight but back tomorrow. I don't how to to start the conversation. I know I'm in the wrong and I'm am so sorry for it all I can't find the words.
I don't want to talk to him while our daughter is around so will have to wait until she's in bed tomorrow. When he is home.
I am extremely sorry for what I have done and I know I need to face up to it. I'm petrified of what may happen.
Hindsight is great. I should have told him straight away I know that.

Lostsoul84 Mon 06-Mar-17 21:15:13

I'm wondering if there may be a way for the debts to be transferred to me instead of him.

LottieL Mon 06-Mar-17 21:17:20

I think you owe it to him to tell him ASAP, rather than waiting for your daughter to go to bed tomorrow. If you wait until tomorrow night that's one extra day he's lost to start to sort this out. He will have the opportunity to contact card company / banks in the day time but not at night.

I'm sorry you are suffering and would suggest a trip to the GP but losing your darling dad and this are two separate issues that I wouldn't suggest you tie together. Own this and deal with it head on, you've done very wrong here and you need to be honest for your partner's sake. This has serious ramifications.

SpikeGilesSandwich Mon 06-Mar-17 21:18:32

What have you spent the money on? Would it be possible to take some of it back or resell items? At least it would be a start and show you were sincere in wanting to confess all and make amends.
Also, how has your partner not noticed?!

Introvertedbuthappy Mon 06-Mar-17 21:18:52

You do need to tell him tomorrow. He can't stop you from seeing your daughter. It has been massive betrayal but the longer you leave it the worse it will get.

Elledouble Mon 06-Mar-17 21:20:37

I think the only way you'd be able to transfer the debt would be to get a new credit card and do a balance transfer. But if your credit rating isn't good you might not be able to get one with decent terms, and my understanding (which may be wrong or out of date) is that if you're living together you can be pursued for each other's debts anyway.

Can you get any IRL support? I believe there's services that offer debt counselling, but also compulsive spending can be a symptom of various mental health problems, especially given you've lost your dad.

lougle Mon 06-Mar-17 21:21:41

Ok, get some perspective. It's £6,000. It's not £60,000. Yes, it's awful. Yes, you've broken his trust and you've done something very bad, and in that sense it doesn't matter how much it is. But you haven't sunk a ship. £6,000 is an amount you can work at to pay back make amends for.

So, that aside, you need to concentrate on the real issue. You spent your DP's money. You didn't ask his permission, then you didn't tell him when you were in trouble. That's the real problem and you need to get help, whether or not he's willing to support you through this. Be brave flowers.

RJnomore1 Mon 06-Mar-17 21:24:43

This is going to sound harsh and I'm really sorry because I can see you are in a bad place but op you've committed fraud.

You really really need to get this out in the open. The fear of not knowing what will happen is often worse than what actually happens. You will get through this and hopefully you will learn from it. I wish you luck.

RJnomore1 Mon 06-Mar-17 21:26:48

And I also think you should go see your GP and explain about the way you felt when you were spending. That sounds like you might need some Mh support love.

Lostsoul84 Mon 06-Mar-17 21:48:48

I can't tell him on the phone. I need to tell him to his face. But our daughter is always around. Until 7pm bedtime. I understand what your saying the sooner I tell him the better but surely it's better for our child for her not to witness it and see us thrash it out.
I'm going to write everything down tomorrow so I've got it all in front of me when I do see him tomorrow. I need to be honest I know that and I know it is fraud. It was on a second card he got me in my name, but on his account so I'm a named card holder. But it's still his name as the main card holder.

I will admit it all. I know I should blame the fact I lose my dad on my betrayal but I think there is an aspect that does factor in. Maybe I'm wrong.

HopelesslydevotedtoGu Mon 06-Mar-17 21:50:38

He can't stop you seeing your daughter.

Please don't have suicidal thoughts. One day this debt will be settled and this will be a past memory. 6k is repayable, as said above it's not 60k. I read a sad article about a young person who killed themself worrying about a debt, and their family spent more money on the funeral than the value of the debt sad if you are having suicidal thoughts please do speak to your GP, and also speak to them about your mental health.

That's not to minimise this, because your partner does have every right to be upset. Tell him as soon as you can. Be honest, upfront, take responsibility for what you've done, say you want to repay the money, apologise.

Getting some legal and debt advice from CAB or (I think) Gingerbread or a Solicitor would be v helpful.

How did you use his card? Was it online purchases? Why didn't he get statements?

Lostsoul84 Mon 06-Mar-17 21:50:46

He's not noticed as I've always paid the bill since moving together (prior to my dad passing) and it went to paperless so no bills arrived.

HopelesslydevotedtoGu Mon 06-Mar-17 21:52:43

Yes I would tell him in the evening after your daughter is asleep. Or arrange some childcare so you can tell him earlier on.

Floods123 Mon 06-Mar-17 21:54:28

Been there. I know nothing like the worry and stress it caused. But got through it and the sense of relief you feel when it's out in the open is incredable. So do it and get it over.

SquidgeyMidgey Mon 06-Mar-17 21:56:55

I imagine there will be a tough conversation, he might get angry, might storm off. You need to take deep breath, just be honest- stick to the bones of the situation- and give him time to react and think. 6k is fixable but the deception is something you need to seriously address, that would be my issue in his shoes. Go to your gp if you feel there could be a medical cause, you clearly need more support flowers

RJnomore1 Mon 06-Mar-17 21:58:44

Ok actually it sounds like you are authorised to use the card so it's not fraud.

Writing it down is a good idea.

Lostsoul84 Mon 06-Mar-17 23:07:48

That's it. I was given a second card in my name. But the account is in his.
Still does not justify what I have done at all I know that.

I don't want to make excuses and I'm worried he will think that's all it is. Although he does know how much losing my dad effected me.

Lostsoul84 Mon 06-Mar-17 23:40:47

Don't know if it's a sensible idea to have a bag packed so I can leave if needs be tomorrow. I don't want to leave my OH or my daughter but i don't know if space for him may help.
I guess I'm not going to know until I actually speak to him.
I don't have any family around and I've not admitted this to my close friend as I feel so ashamed of my awful deceitful behaviour. I don't know where to turn.

Lostsoul84 Mon 06-Mar-17 23:51:15

I know it doesn't make it ok. But the card was already at 3.5-4K, I took it to 6K.

ijustwannadance Mon 06-Mar-17 23:56:14

So you have only spent £1500. Tell him asap so it can be sorted and you can stop torturing yourself.

Jeanneweany Tue 07-Mar-17 00:01:33

If it's his cc why do you pay.
Why has he given you full access.
He has to check the bill. How do you know he hasn't.
Also you say the money was spent and you need him to help you work out a plan to pay it back. Transfer to 0% card. Then make regular payments. How much can you afford. If you pay 250 month then you will pay it off in 2 years.

AdoraBell Tue 07-Mar-17 00:01:48

Why did you stop making payments? And have you bought stuff that could be sold to help pay off the debt?

Having something to offer, for want of a better word, will help as it shows you are not just dumping the debt on him. Could you get another card and do a zero per cent transfer? If so, do that and immediately destroy the card so you don't spend on it. Then throw whatever money you can at the debt.

Of course you have to tell DP, but being proactive about clearing the debt can soften the blow.

I'm sorry about your dad. Do you know when you spend? Is it when up are bored, overly busy and stressed, sad? If you can identify the trigger you can find something other than shopping when something comes up that triggers your shopping.

Good luck with the conversation.

Jeanneweany Tue 07-Mar-17 00:02:43

He won't leave you over this. It's not a huge amount of money.

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