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Hubby's Awful Mum After His Inheritance

(108 Posts)
CoralieBeach Mon 06-Feb-17 07:08:14

Been with my husband 9 years and we have a six yr old. I've never liked his mother, although I'm always polite and friendly - which is easier as we now live 2 hours away from her!

We have struggled financially over the years, my parents have always helped us out financially when we have been stuck, and the one time around 4 years ago he asked his mum for help (who is on a high salary and partner also in high salary), she didn't just decline (which obviously was well within her right) but was very nasty about both he and I. I never really got over that!

We moved out of London 2 years ago to save for a deposit and get out of the renting trap, and unfortunately due to ill health and lack of work, my husband has spent more time out of work than in. I'm self employed and fortunately have been doing pretty well over the last few years, so it's been no problem for me to be the main breadwinner.

We have a great relationship anyway, but since moving away it's been even better. Recently, his aunt passed away and left him some money, not a life changing lotto amount, but enough for a holiday and the rest of our deposit.

His mother (who sometimes goes 6 months without taking to him, and who he craves love from even as a grown man) had actually really been there since his aunt passed as he's been grieving, and I actually took my hat off to her. However, she has now asked him for £10k to do up her house. He said yes straight away and says she will pay him back. Apparently she has enough money in savings to do the work but doesn't want to touch it.

I'm pretty cross. It all seems a bit fishy, and I honestly don't understand why she would want to take money from her son who really deserves this little head start, when she's on a huge salary and so much better off than him! At the time of the conversation I simply nodded and carried on with what I was doing as I couldn't trust myself not to hurt his feelings, but now I really feel we need to discuss it.

Am I being totally unreasonable? He's very defensive of his mum even though he knows she's not been a great mum to him, so it's a sticky subject!!

Any advice greatly appreciated!

Cakingbad Mon 06-Feb-17 07:12:03

YANBU. That is outrageous.

MadamMooMoo Mon 06-Feb-17 07:14:55

If you need the money, say no and don't give it.

Monkeypuzzle32 Mon 06-Feb-17 07:17:08

Morning, some things that spring to mind ;
Does she actually earn as much as you think?
She's being nice to him to get the inheritance
Do not under any circumstances give her money! You'll never get it back, how on earth is she going to pay it back if she doesn't touch her savings and earns so much yet can't easily get hold of that sum?

It comes down to a future for you two or losing the cash to get, permanently.

JanuaryMoods Mon 06-Feb-17 07:19:35

I doubt you'll see the money again if he lends it but it's his choice and his money.

fuzzywuzzy Mon 06-Feb-17 07:21:13

Suggest to him you put down your deposit and then see how your finances pan out.

Doing up her house is not a huge deal unless her house is falling down around her ears.

I'd sit down and rationally discuss it and ask him what he'll do if she doesn't return the money and remind him of her behaviour when you asked for financial assistance. Just be calm and factual.

It's not money you can afford to lose so don't do it.

tribpot Mon 06-Feb-17 07:24:07

Pretty obvious what caused her change of heart after the death of the aunt.

Who the hell borrows money from their children when they have it in savings? Especially when they have refused to lend their child money in the past.

You researched self-employed mortgages? It can be somewhat more difficult than for employed people and I wouldn't want to be kissing goodbye to part of your deposit in those circumstances.

Have you paid your parents back for the money they've lent you over the years? If not, I would be earmarking some of the inheritance for that purpose up front.

CoralieBeach Mon 06-Feb-17 07:37:43

Hi tribpot,

Yes we paid my parents back always not long after they helped out in each occasion, but when they moved they also gave us a little lump sum. They're awesome and we are very close!

I know it will be harder to get a self employed mortgage, but I have 3 years of accounts with a steady rise of net profits each year, and we will also wait to apply for a mortgage until my husband is in a permanent role!

CoralieBeach Mon 06-Feb-17 07:38:55

Her house is actually amazing!! She wants an extension done, so it's not as if she's got a leaky roof or knackered kitchen etc - it's like a show home!

HecateAntaia Mon 06-Feb-17 07:41:55

You'll never see that money again.

If your husband wants to fry to buy his mother's love that's very very sad. Heartbreaking actually.

But once his inheritance is gone, so will his mother be.

And he is going to need you because he is going to be devastated.

I imagine some part of him knows what she's doing but he so dearly wants to believe his mother loves him.

Cakingbad Mon 06-Feb-17 07:43:32

If her house is a show home please don't lend her the money. Sorry mum we need it for our deposit. It's our one chance to own our own home.
She sounds vile and money won't buy her love if that is what your partner is hoping.

girlelephant Mon 06-Feb-17 07:48:12

Agree with the post from Monkey

Surreyblah Mon 06-Feb-17 08:43:06

Your problem here is your H and his agreement to give away such a large sum of money you feel you can't afford, perhaps because of his "fear, obligation and guilt" towards his mother.

flapjackfairy Mon 06-Feb-17 08:56:26

Surely your husband should have discussed it with you first?

Surreyblah Mon 06-Feb-17 08:58:37

Yes he should: the MN term is "family money". Especially given that you financially support him!

Thingvellir Mon 06-Feb-17 09:00:27

It's your DH's money of course, so his choice, but his first priority should be your family home and your DC. Did he say yes because he was put on the spot? I would encourage him to call your MIL back and say he's run the numbers on what you need for the deposit on a house that you've been saving for for so long and that he's realised you can't spare the money.

Agree your MIL is being outrageous - if she doesn't want to touch her savings, then she shouldn't have the extension. She seems manipulative.

Lumpylumperson Mon 06-Feb-17 09:04:04

Don't do it is my advice.

When my DH inherited a little bit of money FIL asked to borrow some, saying he'd pay us back.

That was years ago. He's since inherited a lot of money - we asked for the loan back as we were struggling. We had young DC, the boiler was on its way out and could have done with the loan back. It wasn't a fortune but would have made a huge difference to us at that time.

FIL refused. Saying he'd never said he'd pay us back and as far as he was concerned we should have given him the inheritance!

I love FIL and we have a good relationship but the fact that he did that will always leave a fracture in our relationship.

I'd never, ever loan him money again. I'd only ever loan to people who I completely trust and actually needed it.

pinkish Mon 06-Feb-17 09:04:55

In the end it's your dh's money and he can give it to his mum if he wants to. I'd tell him that but say he should not loan it because he will not get it back. And that he needs to be very clear about the consequences for you both and be happy to make the decision based on those facts. Just keep reiterating that he either gives it or doesn't - no pretence at loans.

She sounds awful btw

antimatter Mon 06-Feb-17 09:05:12

I would tell her that you need first buy the house, see if it may need any work and them you will be able to see what you can spare.
Do not lent money you can't afford to lose!

Only1scoop Mon 06-Feb-17 09:07:47

She sounds awful.

I wouldn't have been happy with him agreeing....tricky subject though.

CarelessWispas Mon 06-Feb-17 09:08:50

If your DH insists on lending it then, since it's family money, I think you can equally insist it it only lent via a formal and legally binding loan contract drawn up by a solicitor (which your MIL will be happy to pay for in lieu of interest).

If MIL is planning to fleece you then all will become very clear prior to signing...

BTW, once my dad offered to loan me some money. I suggested a formal loan agreement to keep it all clear. I didn't take him up on the cash in the end, but this is a sensible and normal thing to protect both parties when a significant amount of cash is at stake.

FinallyHere Mon 06-Feb-17 09:09:43

As is not sure uncommon here in MN, is a DH problem, a man who is still so desperate for his mother's love, that he is prepared to try and buy it. It will not end well... unless he can see that this is what is happening.

knorrig Mon 06-Feb-17 09:12:46

Say no, she's only asking to manipulate and keep a hold over him - my exMIL (thank goodness for the ex bit!) did this and borrowed 10k off my exH - he was put on the spot and said yes but it upset me he never asked me.

Sudocreamface Mon 06-Feb-17 09:15:04

You won't see the money again, sounds like she beliv s the money should have been hers and not her sons.
Some battles are worth fighting, this is one of them.

EnormousTiger Mon 06-Feb-17 09:24:50

I wouldn't do it and I am surprised he said yes. I wuld just concentrate on your own finances. Why not offer to give her £2k (no loan).

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