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Husband has had a unknown child pop up we didn't know about what does this mean if the CSA comes after him?(340 Posts)
Ok I have two children with my husband a preschooler and a baby,
We've both been contacted recently by a girl he had a one night stand with many many years ago and it turns out he has another child ,
We live a good eight hours away so contact is not going to be easy , aswell as many emotions this has brought up for us both . This may sound selfish however I am very concerned about our finances , this may be cynical of me but I believe this is going to boil down to money- having looked on the CSA website and working out what we would have to pay - it would really have a massive effect on us- the amount she would receive for her child is far greater than what free cash we have each month for our own children, there website doesn't take into account any debt / mortgage / food / bills we have to pay for ourselves - and this is feeling incredibly unfair to me,
I'm also worried about my husband he takes family very seriously and adores his children with me and he is by far the best father i could wish for- the most we can offer in terms of contact is a few hours in a contact centre possibly three or four times a year - I would love to welcome
This child into our family and our home I am more than happy to have this child every other school holiday / Christmas etc - but I cannot imagine that day will be for many years as my husband and the mother do not even know each other in reality , aecondly this child has a family unit a mum a sister and her mums boyfriend who she calls dad , so is a few hours a few times a year slowly building up contact worth disrupting everything ?
Your husband has presumably had "many many years" of not supporting his eldest child, which must have been difficult for her mother.
What exactly has your husband been doing to address your finances and to consider contact? Your OP reads as though this is your problem to solve because you have low/no expectations of him. And he's just letting you get on with sorting it out.
Valid points stiff but dont play the poor mother mist have been so hard for her card, why didn't she contact him before this? Seems very strange
How old is the other child and why has the mother only just told him?
Also I would ask for a paternity test before things go any further as he may not be the only man she had a one night stand with.
Are you sure your dh had previously no inkling of this? Why and how did she make contact with you both now? It seems as if you are willing to go through the motions without consideration for the child at the centre of this, how old is he/she now?
We only found out yesterday , I feel quite spitefully she contacted me first and she also went ahead and told all of his family , unfortunately it has come at a time he's working away so we are also trying to figure this out whilst apart which isn't easy. It's not that I have low expectations of him at all I just feel very protective of him at the moment he is the most amazing person and I still feel that way after all the years we have been together and I feel this has been spitefully and in a way to hurt him/ it could very easily have damaged our marriage because of the way the told me. Almost trying to make out this happened sometime that we was together but it was actually a long time before.
I understand that it has been hard for her- I'm a mum and I can see her side too- however I'm not sure what she can expect to take this out on him when she chose to have a baby by a man she only knew his name . She also will have been recieving benefits so I'm sorry I do not think she now years down the line deserves to take more than we can give our children. My husband wasn't given any say or rights in any of this until now she has exploded this knowledge throughout our family with little explanation and absolutely no information on what she wants from us- I say us because I am his wife and I am the mother of her child's siblings so I am going to be a part of this . We are all to be completely honest bewildered . But I am concerned as to whether this CSA figure their website has come up with cannot be fought more on the grounds of actually including outgoings also, what if we have to sell our house to get a smaller mortgage to pay for this ? How unfair this is on my kids. I don't think it's fair to suddenly 8 years down the line decide now is the time to do this? Why did she not do this years ago or actually from the beginning?
He should insist on a paternity test.
It may not be about money. Perhaps she's got in touch because the child is asking questions and is old enough to express a desire to meet him (you say it was "many years" ago which implies that the child is 12+ now). It could be about the final piece of the jigsaw rather than the ££.
Right now my consideration is for my own children - we both had no idea and yes a DNA test is a definite however she sent photos to my husbands mum and the child is the spitting image of my husband more so than our children.
I know it's selfish but my children come first and I'm not going to have their lives distrupted by this. Because of the distance and the fact my husband works abroad three days a week we are not going to be able to have frequent contact - this all happened through social media yesterday
Sorry - XP.
How do you know she's on benefits? Has she actually mentioned money in any comtext?
So the child is now 8? Perhaps your dh living and working so far away meant he was tricky to track down?
The child is 8 - it may be the case and we are happy to welcome the child into our family I have no qualms about that- and I love and adore my husband so I know I will be able to bond and love this child too - if the distance wasn't so great it would be much easier - we could do this properly and introduce ourselves and get to know each other frequently and build up over time and develop good relationships and it would be lovely to have my
Children's sibling over and on holidays with us and as a real part of our family - i cannot see any mother however allowing this until she really knows us because I certainly wouldn't - and I can't see how we can reach that point we will only be able to get there a few times a year.
OP, I think it's quite fair to ask for a DNA test. However, actions have consequences. My youngest dd's dad has walked away never even asking me how she is. I know your husband may not have known about it and that's not fair. However, I strongly believe that whoever is there at the time of conception takes responsibility if a child is conceived. Why should the mother foot the entire bill?
I am not surprised you are shocked and probably a bit angry.
Why has she only just got in touch?
Has she said what she wants?
Has your DP confirmed he slept with her and can he ask for a DNA test?
I really would want to have a test first before even thinking about CMS. I also think the way she has gone about it is very underhand.
Sorrowfully the CSA don't take into
Account your financial situation or quite often your children.
DH has to pay 40% of his wages to the CSA for a child he does not see.
I think, unfortunately, you are going to have their lives disrupted by this anyway.
If this is his child, he will need to pay (ballpark) 15% of 80% of his income, so around 12%, in maintenance.
God knows what happens about 8 years of arrears. You must be hugely shocked. But I don't think there is any point in saying she is 'taking it out on him'; he had a child, he owes that child a living.
When the cms get in touch he can ask for a test and if he is found to be the father they will charge him for it...
I would wait for him to come home, talk it over and agree a plan. Contact etc may have very little to do with you for a while.
There won't be any arrears as cms or csa are not involved.
I would be gutted in your situation and be fuming that she has just turned up after all these years.
I too would be worried financially but there would be no escaping it if she was to come after money
Even if it is about money, your DH has got away with 8 years of not financiallly supporting his child. The mother will have had to alone. Saying mean things about her being on benefits is not nice either. If your DH put himself in a position where he could make someone pregnant then he should face the consequences I'm afraid.
In answer to your question, if the mother chooses to involve the CSA then your husband will need to pay. A reduction is made for other children in his household (even if they are not his) and others that live elsewhere. It sounds like he only has two other children, but the maintenance will take that into account. However, mortgages etc are not which is partly to prevent people tying up their income to reduce their payments (the old CSA system did allow this and the loophole was exploited).
The first question the CSA will ask your DH is whether he is the father and they will arrange a DNA test if necessary. However, be aware that he will be liable for the cost of the test if it comes back positive.
I'm not saying she should foot the entire bill but I am saying that my children and I certainly shouldn't!! We were not there at the time of conception and I am angry this could take away our dream home my husband and I have worked so bloody hard for and also take away from my children's lives. We will def do a DNA test but we are both sure it is certain.
It's very very confusing because it has been sprung on us all very underhanded and no she has simply left it at that with no explanation as to what she wants from my husband at all- so no it may be nothing to do with money- but I know me and husband will make sure it doesn't effect our children in any way except the money which we may have no say over- I have worked hard to help us save for our dream house and life and I feel this is threatened now.
Exactly, she won't be able to claim arrears
however I'm not sure what she can expect to take this out on him when she chose to have a baby by a man she only knew his name
Well, your husband decided to risk having a baby with a woman when he only knew her name, so...
Look, your children have benefited financially for the last 8 years that he wasn't paying child maintenance. Think of what you have saved as a family by this woman having to support the child herself for 8 years.
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