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Relationship breakdown...long story I apologise!

(20 Posts)
Help123456 Tue 31-Jan-17 20:28:27

Hi, I'm just look for a little advice from fellow mummas please, basically.... Myself and partner (ex and child's father) where together for 7 years, split a couple of weeks ago he still lives here at present. He must have worked about 12months of all that time around 4 5 years ago. Not down to health issues or anything else it's generally down to he does not want to work he believes we're slaves to the government and he won't give into them etc, (why I thought having a child with him was a good idea I don't know but I was in love and do not regret my son for a second!) I have always worked, my little boy is almost 2, all through the pregnancy I suffered terrible morning sickness but had to work 10 waking 10 hours nights in a row etc to save money to move and to buy everything for the little one and he still wouldn't get a job or help, I took 12 months maternity leave though my employer and returned to work when the 12 months where up, as much as I would have really loved to be a stay at home mum financially with him not working I didn't have a choice, and had suggested multiple times about him getting a part time job so we could both do half and half working and being home with the little one, he would look for a job for about a day then forget that idea, but luckily in the world we live in now we get child tax credits working tax credits and child benefit as support so I only need to work 3 nights a week. With the benefits and my wages I manage to keep the roof over all of our heads, food in all our bellies, electric water heating etc plus his dogs food and vets bills and any other essentials he needs socks shower gels whatever. He stays at home and looks after our child when I'm working, Lately I have been having to do some day shifts as with what my job role entails circumstances at the moment all of us are all over the place, when I am working a day he refuses to take him to the local playgroup etc won't do any arts and crafts or anything with him as he doesn't want to clean up the mess and the house is always a tip, if I check my phone at work he's constantly online on Facebook and things. When I am home he disappears out with his friends even disappeared for 4 days to his mates once without any consideration for me or his son. Anyway all of this eventually took its toll on me, all the stress of the finances, and him just basically being an ass grin told him I couldn't do it anymore and feel we'd be better as friends as starting to resent him for putting it all on me all the time, obviously we're both upset and have both said things in the heat of the moment etc but it's been a couple of weeks now and he's been into the job centre etc trying to get the child benefits and tax credits switched to his account as he believes he is his main career because he looks after him whilst I work, I have explained to him this money is to keep a roof over our sons head and to ensure all his needs are met which they are but he believes the money is for him for looking after our son (his living money) as far as I'm aware you don't get paid to look after your child as a baby sitter you look after them because your their parent. He said tonight "if the money's not switched to my account then you can find and pay for a child minder whilst your at work then". The thing is I wouldn't trust the money going to him whenever he does get money he blows it, I gave him money for Christmas presents for people all he got our son (18months old at Christmas) was a skateboard no helmet or anything either hmm . He's also said according to the benefit people who he spoke to he's the main carer because if our little one need to go to hospital because I was at work he would be the one taking him (if he needed to go hospital I'd kiss works ass goodbye and be going to the hospital) anyway the only time my little one has needed the hospital, I returned home from work one morning and his lips where turning blue, it wasn't cold he wasn't cold he actually had a tempreture, it was a weekend so straight away I called 111, not 999 as he was playing as normal and eating and drinking, they advised I take him straight in so that's what I did, he wouldn't come and told me not to take him he's fine stop being ridiculous. My child's lips where going blue and a doctor has advised me to get him to the hospital asap of course I was going to take him! Sorry I know I'm rambling just trying to give a bigger picture on the situation, and would love outsiders looking in opinions as to wether I should give in and let him have it all put it into his account and if he is classed as my sons main carer? Or should I stand my ground and keep my sons best interests at heart by making sure this roof stays over his head?

petalsandstars Tue 31-Jan-17 20:35:47

He's a lazy cocklodger- can you see if you can swap shifts or find alternative childcare? Then kick his sorry arse out the door and tell him to get a job! Don't transfer money to him - he's not supporting you at all.

Help123456 Tue 31-Jan-17 20:44:20

Unfortunately I can't kick him out (legally) as he's a joint tenant with me, it's such a sucky situation, we are getting on well for our little one and as friends living together apart from the whole he believes he should be having the money and constantly having ago at me about it, I would never stop him having access to our son unless I believed he would bring him harm which I don't, but I wish he would just move out so we can all get on with our lives in peace. I don't know why benefits are so important to him they are not for him they are for our son as longs as it's being spent on him why doesn't it matter who's account it's being paid into, which makes me question what does he want to spend it on.

donajimena Tue 31-Jan-17 20:48:21

Oh what a tricky situation. Surely you are both main carers?

Babyroobs Tue 31-Jan-17 20:53:45

Just kick him out or try to find another place for you and your son to live. You would get the same help you get now and help with childcare costs. It is ridiculous that he won't work and is happy and lets the taxpayer pay because he is too lazy to work. You could easily work around each other with one child, like millions of other couples have to.. Do not transfer any benefits to his name. As a lone parent you need to work only 16 hours to get working tax credits and will also get all the other help like Housing benefit etc. Let him live on job seekers allowance of seventy something pounds a week then he will be forced to look for work whether he likes it or not.

Help123456 Tue 31-Jan-17 20:59:25

I have tried to explain we are both his main carers, but in his head because I work it means he is his main carer, regardless if I'm the one financially supporting him, I normally go to work at 10 at night and finish at 8 in the morning so little one doesn't even know I'm gone, he doesn't take into account all my days off when he disappears for days nights at a time then I'm also looking after him alone. It's all just making me second guess myself, I carried him for 9months spend every waking minute I'm not at work caring for him, to be told I'm not classed as his main carer it really sucks.

Babyroobs Tue 31-Jan-17 21:09:04

You are both his main carers and you both could be working instead of relying heavily on benefits. However if you think you are likely to split up, I would not let him have the benefits in his name . If you split up then without the benefits that having a child living with you bring, you would really struggle. You could have 50:50 shared care of your son and share the benefits between you but would have to come to some agreement. Otherwise it is the parent whom the child mainly resides with who claims the benefits.

Babyroobs Tue 31-Jan-17 21:11:09

Presumably he looks after the child for the 3 days between your nightshifts when you need to get a good few hours of sleep?

Ihatethedailymail1 Tue 31-Jan-17 21:11:11

I can't read that. Try paragraphs .

Babyroobs Tue 31-Jan-17 21:15:39

What will happen if you split up and one of you moves out? Will he continue to have your son overnight while you work. If not you will struggle to find an overnight babysitter/ childcare. If he stays with your partner and he claims the benefits then you will be liable to pay maintainence to him also.

Help123456 Tue 31-Jan-17 21:15:50

Yes if I'm in between nights and need to sleep which is only every other weekend, and I'm only upstairs, there has been occasions when I've got home from a waking night and he's gone out for the day so I've looked after little one and worked 48hrs straight 🙊. I do apologise Ihatethedailymail1 but when I'm on one it all goes out the window 🙊

Liara Tue 31-Jan-17 21:16:29

How much is he contributing towards the rent?

And how much of the rent do the child benefits cover?

Help123456 Tue 31-Jan-17 21:17:22

He will be moving out regardless my son would be staying with me, he said he'd like him 3 nights a week which would work out to be what I work anyway, so every other weekend Friday sat Sunday, and every other week for 3 nights

Help123456 Tue 31-Jan-17 21:18:03

He does not contribute anything and the benefits cover about half of the rent, not bills included

Liara Tue 31-Jan-17 21:21:14

Well, then that's his contribution to the rent, isn't it? You can tell him that you will take the benefits in lieu of the rent he should be contributing towards.

Help123456 Tue 31-Jan-17 21:28:41

I have already said that to him, he believes it's not for rent it's for his living money for being at home whilst I work.

Babyroobs Tue 31-Jan-17 21:31:31

he is going to have a shock unfortunately when he finds himself surviving on Job seekers allowance and housing benefit.

Help123456 Tue 31-Jan-17 21:35:01

I know he will, I do kind of feel for him because he genuinely believes the world owes him rather then earning it himself, unfortunately I'm to soft a person to see him struggle or homeless, at the end of the day he's still my child's father and I did once love him, obviously I still care about him he's been in my life a long time, I just don't understand his mentality sometimes 🙊

Babyroobs Tue 31-Jan-17 21:39:40

I think you will have to come to a fair agreement between yourselves regarding the benefit as it sounds like the split will be roughly 50;50. You will still need him to have your son overnight and in the day while you sleep. If he starts refusing to do that because he gets no help financially then you will need to change your shifts. It is in both your best interest to sort things out amicably.

Help123456 Tue 31-Jan-17 21:42:34

Yeah we are trying to do It all amicably, literally the only issue we have is him demanding the money's paid to him, but hopefully we can have a civilised discussion over it and come to an agreement, he has said before he's happy for it to be in my account as I provide everything for everyone but every now and then he changes his mind next time he agrees maybe I should get it in writing 🙈

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