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Child's pension - am i unreasonable!

(83 Posts)
confuseddaddotcom1 Mon 02-Jan-17 19:05:11

Hi, my wife died 5 years ago and left me 2 children to look after. We managed financially even though I still had a mortgage to pay and the children never went without. The children are receiving a fixed amount (approx £40) from my late wife's pension which she paid into and this goes directly into a bank account for the children. I eventually found someone else and she has 2 children, we eventually moved in together and had an extension built to give all 4 children a bedroom. We have the odd argument but overall things are good. But there is always an underlying issue, which is the money that the children receive each month into their bank account, it causes bad feeling and arguments. My partners children do not receive any money direct into their accounts from either our side of their family or their dads. They do however see this dad every 2 weeks and get taken out for meals, have holidays, receive birthday and Christmas presents, etc. But we still do not receive any maintenance for them. Now my daughter is 16 and has access to her account, she regularly buys herself clothes (once a month) and my son's money is still is in the account. My view is that the money they receive is from their mum, for extra presents, meals and holidays they do not and will never receive, but my partner sees this differently. She feels her children are the ones that are being disadvantaged. Am I just missing the point or is my partner being unreasonable??

Heirhelp Mon 02-Jan-17 19:06:29

Your partner is being unreasonable.

Chilver Mon 02-Jan-17 19:07:14

Your partner is being unreasonable. Her children have two parents to provide and treat them. Your children don't and the money from their dead mother is small compensation for not having a mother around!

43percentburnt Mon 02-Jan-17 19:09:40

Why does she not claim maintenance? She is right her kids are disadvantaged because she hasn't claimed cm, not because her step kids receive £40.

HerRoyalNotness Mon 02-Jan-17 19:10:38

I'm shocked at your partners attitude! Your Dc have lost their mother, she quite responsibly set up this allowance for your Dc, nothing to do with any one else.

JustSpeakSense Mon 02-Jan-17 19:10:44

Your partner is being incredibly unreasonable. The money is from their dead mother. Your partner's children still have both their parents alive, to spend money on them and leave money to them when they die.

If your children had inherited a large lump sum in a trust prior to you meeting your partner, would she be resenting that her children didn't receive the same.

Fartleks Mon 02-Jan-17 19:11:51

Your present wife is very grabby. Her children have both parents plus a step father in their lives. Your children don't have a mother, just a step mum. In her absence, this money is from her to them directly. It is nothing to do with your new wife, her children or you.

43percentburnt Mon 02-Jan-17 19:12:32

Sorry posted too soon, she is totally unreasonable.

Fartleks Mon 02-Jan-17 19:13:17

If she feels it's unfair, she needs to get the cash off her ex. Not steel it from people who are not related by blood.

43percentburnt Mon 02-Jan-17 19:13:30

Quick question, what does she think should be done with the money? Are you struggling financially?

Smoothyloopy Mon 02-Jan-17 19:13:40

Your children are bunny dusadvantaged as they no longer have their mother. This is money paid to them on her behalf. Your partner is being very UR.

reallybadidea Mon 02-Jan-17 19:14:07

Your partner is being incredibly unreasonable.

I hope you've taken steps to protect their inheritance in case anything happens to you!

OVienna Mon 02-Jan-17 19:14:15

Disgusting, grabby attitude from your partner.

Smoothyloopy Mon 02-Jan-17 19:14:21

Bloody phone, they are being disadvantaged.

Shitonyoursofa Mon 02-Jan-17 19:14:53

Your partner is being a grade A twat (and that is a mild cuss compared to the word I first wrote) IMO. She begrudges your children £10 a week, that doesn't come out of the household finances or mean that she / her children are going without to subsidise it, and is meant, in some tiny way, to help support them now that their mum is not around. What does she want you to do exactly?! Tell the pension company not to pay it any more? Have it paid into her account so she can have it instead? She's being ridiculous.

Drquin Mon 02-Jan-17 19:15:20

I think you're being quite reasonable.

All the children benefit from the money coming in to the household via you & partner.
It's unfortunate, for want of a better word, that your partner / her children don't receive any maintenance / financial support from the children's father(s).
That is one situation you may be able to address.

The fact that your children receive a dependant's pension following your wife's death is not comparable.

The problem is not the unfairness of the money the children receive, it's that the absent father(s) are not supporting their children surely.

If it's causing tension in the short-term, perhaps you could encourage your children to save the money towards something "big" or their future, rather than buying clothes monthly. But sadly, your children are only receiving this money because their mother has died, that's no place for argument over "fairness".

Difficult one for you flowers

milkysmum Mon 02-Jan-17 19:18:06

Oh my gosh your partner is being very unreasonable. What does she suggest they do with the money?

Pipsqueak11 Mon 02-Jan-17 19:18:13

ugh - what a ghastly thing to do to take money from children who have lost thier mother . what does she think should happen to it? the terms of the pension will provide that this is paid to your children and no one else . i can hardly believe anyone would wish to change this arrangment .

Shakey15000 Mon 02-Jan-17 19:20:26

Your partner is incredibly unreasonable and equal parts distasteful.

AnneElliott Mon 02-Jan-17 19:21:36

Your partner is unreasonable. Surely she doesn't think they should share money from their dead mother's pension?

What happens if your SDC dad dies and leaves them an inheritance? Will she get her kids to share that with yours? I don't think she would somehow.

ThisYearWillbeBetter Mon 02-Jan-17 19:22:04

Good Lord, your wife is being unspeakably awful. Resenting money children receive from the pension of their dead mother. If I were your DC, I'd be judging, and planning to cut ties.

I'm surprised you can stay with her over this. It's awful. Your poor children.

Oblomov16 Mon 02-Jan-17 19:24:00

She is being rude unreasonable. Totally.

BitchPeas Mon 02-Jan-17 19:24:05

What a vile attitude to have towards 2 children who have lost their mother.

I could not continue a relationship with someone who had such a disgusting attitude. It's £40 a month ffs!

00100001 Mon 02-Jan-17 19:24:18

You partner surely realises these children's mother is dead? shock

1Violetcream Mon 02-Jan-17 19:27:02

I am a step mum, have brought up DH daughters since they were 5 and 7 having met shortly after his first wife died, they are now in early their 20's. we also have two nearly 3 further children together. I do not agree with your wife's attitude! I know blended families can be complex and harbour resentments but I would never resent my DSD's anything bequeathed to them. It would be like making them share out their dead mothers little bits of jewellery or possessions. Would be totally inappropriate. I know how hard step parenting can be etc but still.... seriously! As people have said her children have both parents plus step parents. I think you should calmly and gently stand your ground on it and explain that it was a gift set up by your late wife that neither you nor anyone else has a right to interfere with. I know that as time goes on some things have to move on, you can't live your lives pickled in the past etc but this should be respected. Best of luck

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