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Should I be paying for my girlfriends daughter?

(85 Posts)
mb010203 Mon 05-Dec-16 14:06:30

Some advice please as I am not sure what I should do about this. I have lived with my girlfriend for 3 years, her daughter lives with her granny as she does not get on with her mum. She is 17 years old and has had almost no contact with her dad in the past. Recently her dad has started getting into contact and wanting to see her again - he has paid no CSA in the past and owed £25000 in arrears, my girlfriend told him not to bother paying the arrears and closed the case recently. Her dad never offers any money for anything and I am expected to pay out even though she is not my kid. I have to pay, every month: £110 to her granny for living costs, £50 a month for her mobile, she gets around £30 a week out of me for spending money and she has even asked me to buy her a new passport. She does not work as she goes to college (and makes excuses for not getting a job). Her mum does not work as I work away from home quite a few months of the year and she comes with me - so she cannot keep a job as we are away travelling while I work around 6 months of the year. I worked out that her daughter is costing me around £400 a month, including petrol to take her/pick her up from college which is a 60 mile trip in total each time - going from home to college/to her granny's house/back home etc, up to 4 days a week. And as her mum does not work I also have all the house bills/food, and she smokes so I buy her cigarettes too or else she goes mental if she goes a day without any etc. And I pay the CSA for my own child. Anyone else experienced this and what do you do? Trying to get her dad to help, but he always says he has no money (but always out drinking at the weekends - something I cannot afford to do!)

NerrSnerr Mon 05-Dec-16 14:18:21

If you're supporting her mum I think you need to be supporting the daughter, at least until she finishes college. Of course her dad should be contributing too. It doesn't sound like she is massively wanted by many people though, that would worry me.

NerrSnerr Mon 05-Dec-16 14:19:26

If you can't afford it maybe her mum can't afford not to work and may have to stay here while you're away.

TwitterQueen1 Mon 05-Dec-16 14:23:46

No, not in my opinion. It's not as if you are maintaining / building a family life together - I'm puzzled as to why you are supporting this girl when she doesn't live with her mother - your girlfriend.

And why doesn't your girlfriend work? Seems like you are bankrolling everyone....

StefCWS Mon 05-Dec-16 14:24:40

wait until she is 18 then she can sign on ! she can use that money then

mb010203 Mon 05-Dec-16 14:25:49

Feels like her dad is taking the piss. He knows that I will pay for everything she needs so he thinks he does not have to pay anything and can see her when he wants as he has come creeping back, but no way to force him to pay anything since his CSA case was closed down as my girlfriend does not want to chase him for the money he owes her anymore. They even all went for a trip out together to look at a university, all 3 of them (which I had to pay the fuel costs and was not invited!!)

handsfree Mon 05-Dec-16 14:27:20

Well, she's 17 so someone has to support her! I would suggest that your girlfriend needs to get a job, stop leaving her daughter for half the year at a time and actually take some responsibility for her, particularly as she seems to have the told the father he doesn't have to bother.

NerrSnerr Mon 05-Dec-16 14:28:13

I'm guessing your girlfriend closed the CSA case as she knows you'll cough up. You need to learn to say no, why pay fuel costs on a trip you're not going on?

handsfree Mon 05-Dec-16 14:28:29

Your girlfriend is her MOTHER and whether or not they are living together she needs to take some financial responsibility for her.

adornorising Mon 05-Dec-16 14:28:31

Have you ever discussed this properly?

If GF is travelling with you then she clearly can't work (unless it's something she can do remotely for those periods). You say you buy her cigarettes, which sounds like she has little/no money of her own?

What about a joint account for daily living things, with both your expenses taken from it and depending on how much you earn, you have your own savings without her. If she can get a job around your work schedule, which is unlikely(!) - then she also contributes.

This is assuming that you don't feel she is/would take advantage of you or your money.

As she's not working, she'll not be making NI contributions which will impact her later (I'm assuming you have a pension). She may need a gentle reminder of the situation.

BertrandRussell Mon 05-Dec-16 14:29:32

Why does your girlfriend travel with you?

NerrSnerr Mon 05-Dec-16 14:30:02

Even though her dad is shit for not supporting his daughter, neither is her mum! She should be getting a job and supporting her.

adornorising Mon 05-Dec-16 14:30:53

Crosspost - you need to also stand up for yourself a bit here. The uni trip with the three of them paid for by you isn't on.

But are you happy in this relationship?

Kidnapped Mon 05-Dec-16 14:31:00

Who paid for this girl until you came on the scene three years ago?

Sounds like the father has never paid a penny.

Was her mum working when you met her?

chiquita1 Mon 05-Dec-16 14:32:18

No. She is not your daughter and you are not married BUT at the same time you are saying you have asked your girlfriend to not work; so you are to some extent responsible. No idea.

Bluntness100 Mon 05-Dec-16 14:32:44

Well, you either stop and give the girl nothing, or her mum stops travelling with you, gets a job and supports her own kid, I doubt daddy is going to help.

It's really the three options. However once she hits eighteen maybe she will get a job or go to uni and she will then no longer require support.

EweAreHere Mon 05-Dec-16 14:33:37

If you don't want your girlfriend working so she can travel with you on various jobs, then you'll have to support her child as she would be otherwise doing.

If you don't want to support her child, girlfriend stays home and gets a job so she can pay all of her daughter's expenses.

BioDad is irrelevant here, really. He's not paying. There's not much you can do about it. Girlfriend knows it's a lost cause. Must suck enough to be daughter when dad doesn't care enough to support her and she has to live at grandma's since mum ... travels a lot with you.

Even if they did get along, which is what you cite for the reason at grandma's, that could have been and should have been worked out. How long has she been at grandmas? Since you moved in? Have you made it harder or easier for them to work on their relationship ... mom is gone an awful lot it sounds like, travelling with you.

Hellmouth Mon 05-Dec-16 14:39:27

She can still work. She can temp and pay for her own damn kid.

That's my not-so eloquent opinion.

DeadZed Mon 05-Dec-16 14:45:26

You say the 17 year old's dad is taking the piss! I think they are all taking the piss out of you. As another poster said you are bankrolling everyone. The girls mum needs to work and if this means not travelling with you then it will have to be like that for now. It is what parents do.

I can understand why you are blaming the father though but if the girls mother won't pursue child maintenance then there is nothing you can do directly. I suggest you discuss this with your girlfriend especially if the girl is considering going to university. It will be an expensive few years coming up!

Arfarfanarf Mon 05-Dec-16 14:47:11

You are in a relationship with a woman who has a child. You are living as a family. You made that choice. you knew the father wasn't paying. You knew children have to eat, have clothes, etc. You knew the mother wasn't working.

You could say actually I am not happy about this, I am not going to stay in this relationship.

You could say I am not willing to fund everything here, you need to get a job. This means you give up having her travel with you half the year. You can't have it both ways. You are preventing her from working and for paying for her child because you want her with you. Don't act then like you're hard done by for paying for the child. You severely limit your girlfriend's options and it's not unreasonable that there be a cost implication to you for that.

You act like you don't have choices here. You do. You could say I'm not paying. You could leave. You could travel alone.

What you can't do is act like you don't have a choice but to do as you are told. You aren't a walking wallet, if you aren't happy - stop forking out. Tell your girlfriend if she wants fags - she earns money to buy them. If her daughter wants a mobile phone - she gets a job to pay for it. Give up the luxury of a travelling companion if you begrudge paying her expenses in order for her to have this life with you.

Things are only going to change if you make them.

ElspethFlashman Mon 05-Dec-16 14:53:12

And who the fuck is going to pay for her university?

Her mums boyfriend of just 3 years??

That's insane.

I really really hope your girlfriend is the love of your life and you have zero doubts about her never working again

Ellisandra Mon 05-Dec-16 14:53:16

The critical factor here is that your GF can't work because she travels for YOU.
So yes, you should support her child.

I think the biggest pisstaker here though is the mother, fucking off for months on end dumping her daughter.

EmpressOfTheSpartacusOceans Mon 05-Dec-16 14:57:28

she smokes so I buy her cigarettes too or else she goes mental if she goes a day without any etc.

Assuming this is the DD, if you stopped feeding her drug habit that might be a good incentive for her to get a job?

wizzywig Mon 05-Dec-16 14:59:59

If you work 6 months of a year thrn im assuming you are loaded. So £400 a month is probably peanuts to you.

Kidnapped Mon 05-Dec-16 15:01:54

When did the girl go to live with her grandmother?

Was it around the time that your girlfriend started travelling with you?

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