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being in a relationship with someone not money savvy

(30 Posts)
spottytable Tue 24-May-16 07:35:10

I am good with money, always have been. I don't earn a massive salary but am extremely good with what I have, budgeting and saving - and planning for the future.

I have been with OH for a year and we are planning to move in together.

He, on the other hand, is not that great with money. He doesn't live beyond his means, owe money on credit cards, but lives very much in the now. Has nothing saved and manages to spend all his salary each month.

I've noticed that he has a very generous approach to money and sees no harm in getting lots of rounds in, spoiling his kids rotten, buying stuff he just doesn't need. Generally doesn't think before he buys. Doesn't think of the future or pay anything in to a pension for example.

He is currently living rent free and has the potential to save a decent amount each month, but is some how still left with nothing?

We are planning to move in together and I feel that we need to have a frank conversation about the above. I've helped friends get finances in to order and I'd love to help him and perhaps help go through bank statements and highlight things he could do to change his attitude to money, but I don't want to be controlling of him because I'm not that kind of person. However at the same time, I don't want to live with someone who has such a different approach to spending/saving as myself.

Mishaps Tue 24-May-16 07:39:48

That really is a big one in my book! It could become a source of friction very speedily. "I've helped friends get finances in to order and I'd love to help him and perhaps help go through bank statements and highlight things he could do to change his attitude to money" - I'm guessing this might ring alarm bells for him!

I do think you might need to have a general chat about how you might plan your finances when you move in together - but a chat along the lines of "I am good at money and you are not so here I am to sort it out for you" might not go down too well!!

HerBigChance Tue 24-May-16 08:19:17

That would be a problem for me. I would worry that he'd expect me to bail him out after we'd moved in and the expenses were higher than he was used to. I don't expect a man to support me, but I do expect him to be able to support himself. I've lived with a poor money manager: never again.

specialsubject Tue 24-May-16 19:15:24

if he has nothing left even though he lives rent free, how is he going to afford to share rent/mortgage/bills with you?

he's got kids so has responsibilities. What happens to those kids if he goes under a bus?

be very careful here, and certainly don't have any kids with him unti he grows up.

LineyReborn Tue 24-May-16 19:19:12

How's he planning ton pay his half of the rent?

MaybeDoctor Tue 24-May-16 19:20:24

I think there is a book by Alvin Hall about money

lionsleepstonight Tue 24-May-16 19:22:29

It depends, my OH was very similar when we met, and although when we lived together, I helped him improve, things did not get better until we married and had a joint account and I effectively controlled our joint finances. we now save, have pensions, overpay mortgage etc. Luckily my OH was happy for me to do this. But luckier still he hates shopping, and never buys anything. All his money went generally to bad management such as always renewing, not shopping around etc. A true 'spender' may resent having his wings clipped........ worth a serious chat before you get further entwined. My first proper boyfriend spent every penny he had it it caused us to split, as his money went on what he wanted and mine had to subsidise the pair of us....

AnotherEmma Tue 24-May-16 19:28:19

I think this could be a recipe for disaster... He is clearly irresponsible with money and he may well resent you trying to encourage or educate him to be more responsible. It could be a real source of friction. He may well expect you to cover the "boring" expenses like mortgage, rent, bills, food, insurance, pension, house/car maintenance etc, which he pays for all the "fun" stuff he wants (expensive car, outings, meals/nights out, holidays). If you have savings you might want to spend them on a house purchase or holiday, but he won't be able to contribute equally. There is a big risk that you will put much more in, financially speaking.

I don't think you should buy a house with him, and you certainly shouldn't marry him, unless/until he radically changes the way he manages money. I wouldn't think of someone like this as long term relationship material, tbh (I find the lack of responsibility a big turn off).

Renting together is lower risk than buying together, but it's still a risk because you will be liable for the whole rent even if he doesn't pay his share - and if you can't afford to pay it by yourself, you will be vulnerable to eviction.

AnotherEmma Tue 24-May-16 19:31:00

PS I actually find it staggering that he is living rent free and not putting ANY of his salary into a pension or savings... What on earth does his spend his money on?! And does he think he's going to be able to live rent free for ever?!

TizzyTime Tue 24-May-16 19:35:18

I think you should start by recognising that when it comes to money he isn't wrong he's just different to you.

He doesn't live beyond his means, owe money on credit cards, but lives very much in the now. Has nothing saved and manages to spend all his salary each month.

He's not in debt and keeps up his lifestyle. Yes, he might need to think about pensions etc, but I honestly think you are going to polarize the situation with your attitude. Be ready to meet in the middle.

Lots of people saving = morally right. That isn't the case. There's a range of approaches to money and often stem from our childhood.

AnotherEmma Tue 24-May-16 19:37:03

It's not morals, it's common sense!
If he was paying rent and a small pension contribution, and spending the rest, it would be understandable.
But he is just frittering the money away.

spottytable Tue 24-May-16 19:39:59

Thank you for your comments. There are some things he is good at money-wise, but some he's not.

I'm starting to resent the fact that I have managed to accumulate a decent amount of equity/savings by really being good, he on the other hand a lot less financially to contribute.

In terms of salary we probably bring in the same amount, yet I am able to save £200 a month - and I also have a mortgage! I also always think before I spend money.

He is rent free.

When I try and broach the subject it comes across like I'm being a bit 'controlling'. It's just that in the long term I don't want to financially carry him.

One thing that annoys me is that he will buy breakfast, drinks and lunch out everyday, doesn't do packed lunches, apparently.

It's just hard as we don't live together yet, so in a way he can do what he wants as we aren't cohabiting?

AyeAmarok Tue 24-May-16 19:40:12

PS I actually find it staggering that he is living rent free and not putting ANY of his salary into a pension or savings

Me too. I could never share a life (and therefore finances) with someone who didn't even save anything when there is no rent to pay, when rent is such a significant chunk of income. It's such an appalling attitude TBH. How would someone like this ever be able to contribute evenly and not feel hard done by and resentful that their fun money had been reduced?

AnotherEmma Tue 24-May-16 19:44:45

OP, you have a mortgage - so how would it work if you moved in with your boyfriend? Would he move into your place? Would he pay you rent? You're not planning on selling and buying a properly jointly with him, are you?

LineyReborn Tue 24-May-16 19:44:57

So how is he going to pay his half of the rent?

Do you have a mortgage?

TheDailyMailareabunchofcunts Tue 24-May-16 19:48:54

It will cause massive massive resentment and problems of you can't dress this openly.
So many threads here on marriages when there is such a discrepancy between financial attitudes.
Joining finances are always tricky but this sounds like a nightmare

gamerchick Tue 24-May-16 19:53:56

I think in your shoes I'd be very clear the next time moving in crops up that you're concerned all the boring expensive parts of life won't register with him. Then go on to say he needs to get used at 'losing' a chunk of money each month and living on what's left before you talk about it again. Gives him a chance to get used to saving for a start. Then not mention it again until he does.

I really wouldn't move in together just yet.

spottytable Tue 24-May-16 19:54:30

My property isn't big enough so I am looking to purchase a bigger property if I can (increase in mortgage is only about £50 a more to do so) myself and then charge him 'rent'. Then, in a few years look to buy somewhere together.

Thing is we earn the same, despite me working 50% less hours. The career he chose doesn't pay very well and is below average, which makes being frugal and saving more important in my eyes.

spottytable Tue 24-May-16 19:56:00

What I could say is that perhaps he could set up a fake 'rent' standing order in to a savings account? Just so that he can get used to paying a big chunk?

gamerchick Tue 24-May-16 19:58:40

That's what I was thinking. So he can get used to doing without it.

I would only have that one chat though so you can't be accused of nagging and treating him like a little kids. Balls in his court then.

AnotherEmma Tue 24-May-16 20:03:17

I also think you need a clear agreement before moving in together, about how to split mortgage/rent, bills and other costs.

If he is paying rent for a property you own, he will need to sign a legal agreement confirming he has no interest in the property. You just need to ask the solicitor/conveyancer who does the purchase for you.

TizzyTime Tue 24-May-16 20:16:32

Really, this is a disaster.

You have completely different outlooks and you are so sure yours is right. That's fine, but it isn't the only approach. Sorry, but you do sound a bit controlling with the 'rent' account and stuff.

Just tell him he can move in when he can afford it. Clearly, that isn't yet. Say it's giving you the fear, what is HE (not you) going to do about it?

RiverCambs Tue 24-May-16 21:06:28

How old is he? I'd be put off hmm

I resent people who have the luxury of living rent-free but fritter away the money.

Ragwort Tue 24-May-16 21:13:38

I have to say I would find this deeply unattractive in a potential partner - of course neither way is 'right' or 'wrong' - but if it is your 'norm' to save, to be sensible or 'frugal' as some people see it with money, to have a mortgage, savings and a pension plan .......... then to share your life with someone who spends freely, doesn't save or have a pension, or even see it as necessary (despite the fact he has children) then I would assume that your values and life experiences/expectations are totally different and it would be hard to 'meet in the middle'; even having a discussion about shared financial arrangements is going to be difficult.

I would think very, very seriously before committing to this man. Do you have children, do you want to protect your assets for them. (And I would say exactly the same to a man in this position).

Why do you want to live together, if you enjoy his company, just carry on dating without the financial obligations.

annandale Tue 24-May-16 21:22:37

I'm a recovering spendaholic. The one sensible thing I have always done is to marry men who are spectacularly good with money. This is because my dad is even worse than me and it was shit growing up like that - my mother had to hold the household together and deal with all the financial shit - and I do mean shit - like finding out my dad had guaranteed a loan to obvious criminals by signing over the house without telling her. He was so awful it was a huge relief when he went bankrupt, back in the days when it meant you couldn't get access to much financially for a long time afterwards.

I think you need to have a proper talk with him. It's true that not everybody has to be an ant, there is room in life for grasshoppers too, but only if the ant is happy to live with a grasshopper, and that's not compulsory. It sounds as if it would make you permanently stressed and anxious if you are dealing with out of control spending. It's easy for him not to get into debt at the moment with a ?good income and no rent - it's only going to get harder, unless he looks again at his habits.

Talk to him and say how much it is worrying you. Develop some financial goals together and then talk about how to achieve them. If he doesn't want to bother having a pension, plans to stop work and look after the kids but will expect an allowance to do so etc, you need to know that now.

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