Advanced search

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. Free legal advice is available from a Citizen's Advice Bureau, and the Law Society can supply a list of local solicitors.

How can I control his spending?

(26 Posts)
MusicMonkey111 Wed 11-Nov-15 14:19:34

I'm pretty much out of ideas on this one. I feel like I'm at the point where my only opinion is to give our daughter up for adoption at birth because my partner has us in debt and won't stop his spending. The easiest way to put it is when we have money he has to make sure it's all spent that day. Let me explain.

Each fortnight after rent we have 553.80 left with which to buy food, pay bills and pretty much pay off anything we need to. Each fortnight after I sit down and work out what we have to pay and how much we're putting on each thing we end up short because his gone out and spent our money behind my back. Each fortnight I budget 150 for food very rarly do we actually have the full 150 most of the time it's more like 80-90 for food.

We have been renting our home for the last 5 months and just after Christmas our lease will end. We have decided we want to move out but because of my partners spending it means in order for us to move I will need to take out another bond loan because I can't put money aside to save because he always finds it and takes it. I've tried talking it out with him but just doesn't help. I'm completely over it. This fortnight has been the worst. On October 31st I had my baby shower, my mother gave me 200 to buy stuff for bub, my partner takes the 200 and spends its on video games and DVDs. Today (11/11/2015) we got paid the plan was we had 553.80 we were going to pay the 249.50 left on our Christmas layby, 150 for food shopping, 50 for a family lunch he organized so his mother can meet my family, 100 for the gas bill. I paid out the layby and now we only have 189.30 left in our account because he organized for 30 to be taken out each pay to pay off his 1300 electricity bill for a place he rented 4 years ago and they have only just started chasing him for the money for. He let our neighbor borrow our bank card to buy glass for his lizard tank with the promise he'll pay us back Friday. And now he says his sending 60 to a friend who has ordered some anime for him. Then I check the mail box to find out he now owes 388.60 to a DVD store in town for over due rentals. Then he decides to shout his mother and brother to McDonalds leaving us with 80 dollars for the family lunch and food shopping which means we'll only have 40 for food.

It's at the point where we now have a 1300 electricity bill of his to pay, a 388.60 over due fee of his to pay, a 400 Telstra bill of his that he says he won't pay, a 550 bond loan I'm paying off, and a 220.90 gas bill we have to pay. I have no clue what to do anymore and I know he won't listen to anyone.

petalsandstars Wed 11-Nov-15 14:22:30

Get rid of him and keep the real child.

Eminado Wed 11-Nov-15 14:23:06


Dont do this to your child. Leave now. As in, immediately.

MusicMonkey111 Wed 11-Nov-15 14:24:39

If I did that I would have to move in with family because I wouldn't be able to afford to live alone.

Fairylea Wed 11-Nov-15 14:25:29

Why on earth would you even consider putting your child up for adoption over this scumbag?! He's an arse! You have to get rid of him.

Fairylea Wed 11-Nov-15 14:26:03

Moving in with family is much better than the current situation.

MusicMonkey111 Wed 11-Nov-15 14:29:33

I know. The only person I can move in with is my grandmother and even then it would be a crowded house and financial struggle.

Eminado Wed 11-Nov-15 14:30:29

Moving in with family is much better than the current situation.

You cannot live like this!
You will never have enough money for nappies or formula or basics for your baby -because you are living with a fucking remorseless thief--

AndNowItsSeven Wed 11-Nov-15 14:33:36

He is awful , on aside note your food budget is very high. Your disposable income is also high so you should in theory have plenty of money to raise a child.

MusicMonkey111 Wed 11-Nov-15 14:36:56

In theory but in reality we have nada because before I can even get what we need his spent it on junk.

LeaLeander Wed 11-Nov-15 14:38:15

What age is he?

Get rid of him. Do you want yourself and child to live like a pauper while he spends on crap? I know men like this who are in their 50s and 60s, they never change.

A good friend owned her own home and, in her thirties, was on track with savings to retire at 55. Then in her late 30s she married a man-boy like this. He quit working 12 years ago at age 48, gets a minor pension from a previous employer and spends ALL of it on junk every month. She is the breadwinner -- 30 years-plus as an admin assistant for a global IT company; she makes a decent living but not vast salary. She foolishly used a modest inheritance as down payment on their house (he chose it, had to be near a lake hence driving the cost up) and now she is trapped -- if they were to split she would lose half of what she put into the house. She has signed loan after loan for his boat, van, trailer, Harley etc. because he throws tantrums, flings objects around the house, terrorized the dogs etc. if she refuses to sign.

She is 55 now and has no hope of retiring till she drops. Her company is doing another 30,000 layoffs and she is in terror of losing the house. She hasn't been more than 40 miles from home in more than 10 years because due to his spending they cannot afford holiday travel. She is presented with a long list of must-haves for his birthday, Christmas etc. but he seldom if ever buys her any gifts and if he does it's a) lingerie that is too small (she is overweight) as a dig at her size, or something very cheap like a DVD.

If she had not married him she would have a fully paid-for house by now, a plump retirement account and an unbelievably lower stress level in her life. It's tragic from my point of view, I have known her for 30 years and she's gone from a jolly, enthusiastic and independent woman to a worried, cowed, anti-depressant dependent downbeaten doormat. She is terribly unhappy but feels tied to him because of the financial loss she would incur through divorce, and no time to recoup and be back in a position to buy her own home.

I would HATE to see another woman let herself in for such a life with a selfish spendthrift. Move in with your family and do whatever it takes to obtain training and find a career in which you will be a self-supporting, financially independent woman.

LeaLeander Wed 11-Nov-15 14:41:01

Eminado is right -- the proper term for this person is "thief" not "partner." You have a pathological robber right under your roof and he will have no qualms taking food and medicine and warm clothing from the baby to feed his pathetic addition to toys and amusements and self-indulgence.

MusicMonkey111 Wed 11-Nov-15 14:54:03

His 25 he'll be 26 in December. My plan is to find work once bub is old enough as most of the day care centers near me won't take a child under 6 months old.

tribpot Wed 11-Nov-15 15:01:13

The OP is in the US I think, so may not have the safety net of a welfare state to help her if she moves out with the baby.

How much of the wage is yours and how much is his, MusicMonkey? It sounds like he's the only one earning right now? (Although might as well not bother for all the use the money is going to be to you and his baby).

How are you going to pay for the birth, by the way, do you have health insurance?

What benefits, if any, would you be entitled to? You really, really have to move out.

AcrossthePond55 Wed 11-Nov-15 15:43:58

I think OP is in Aus as she mentions a Telstra bill. I'm in the US and Telstra isn't in the US.

Ok, here it is; You will NEVER be able to 'control' his spending. Never, ever, ever. I'm going to type NEVER again just so there is no mistake.

You don't say what the source of your income is. I'm assuming it's his wages which may explain why he feels so entitled to spend it without thinking of the good of the family. If so, there really isn't much you can do other than open a separate account in your name only and transfer money into it or take out cash right away and give it to someone you trust to hold it for you. If your income is based on benefits for you and your coming baby, then you have every right to redirect that income into an account in your name only. If, for some reason, you are afraid to do that then you have a bigger problem than just his financial abuse (yes, this is financial abuse).

Please, please tell me you are not married to this fuckwit!! And please, please, please don't marry him!!! If you are not married you are NOT responsible for his debt. Because at some point all his debt WILL catch up with him and it WILL result in money being taken from his wages and/or bank accounts. And yours if you are married to him.

There's nothing wrong with a working mum so I applaud your determination to find a job when your baby is older. But you do realize that he will spend YOUR money too, don't you?

You really do need to move, even if you and Granny are a bit crowded. Are there benefits available in Aus (assuming that's where you are) that would enable you to keep on your feet until you're able to find work?

BumWad Wed 11-Nov-15 15:55:56

Please leave him! You will be no worse off

expatinscotland Wed 11-Nov-15 16:00:02

You need to leave him.

LeaLeander Wed 11-Nov-15 16:02:06

Clearly he is not mature enough for the responsibility of a family. Was he on board with proceeding with this pregnancy? It almost sounds as if he is actively sabotaging things out of resentment, on top of massive immaturity.

It doesn't matter. I have spent a good chunk of my career as a personal finance writer and advisor and believe me, they never change. Sometimes a massive external force -- like grave illness or being sued over an unpaid debt -- forces spendthrifts to temporarily mend their ways -- but they seldom lose the impulse and their spouses are always, always on edge and fearful and furtively doing without things they themselves need to balance out the rash spending, and trying to stash or hide money, and always an argument about finances is looming on the horizon. Is that how you want yourself and your child to live for decades to come?

It's like alcoholism in a way, and the worst of them are the ones addicted to depreciating junk like electronics, games, gadgets, cars, bikes etc.

Get help from your family now even if it's awkward; I promise you the alternative will be much worse.

ObsidianBlackbirdMcNight Wed 11-Nov-15 16:21:52

Are you in the UK? If so you can apply for housing through the council and benefits. If you aren't then do whatever you have to do to keep the baby and ditch the loser.

MusicMonkey111 Wed 11-Nov-15 21:29:14

I live in Aus and my partner and I are on maximum benefits at the moment we get roughly 468.80 each a fortnight and I've been told by centrelink my pay won't increase once bub is born. So after rent I have 269.80 left from my pay. I can't go through housing because my mother works there and always makes sure I'm turned down.

expatinscotland Wed 11-Nov-15 22:08:35

'I can't go through housing because my mother works there and always makes sure I'm turned down.'

Then shop her in. She's abusing her employment there. You need to get shot of this loser partner of yours.

NoSquirrels Wed 11-Nov-15 22:16:31

He's not responsible enough for you to live with. You need to leave. Please do it even if it will be a struggle. He will sell you and your unborn baby down the river, and drag you down with him.

tribpot Wed 11-Nov-15 22:44:15

You can go to another city though, presumably? Seriously - you have to find a way to get out, this is a financial parasite.

AcrossthePond55 Thu 12-Nov-15 01:14:32

Why don't you have the benefits directed to an account in your name only? Or at least the portion of the benefits that are in your name. And wouldn't those benefits follow you and the baby?

I agree with expat, you need to turn your mother in. What she is doing is illegal. How is it she makes sure you are turned down? Either you meet the qualifications for housing or you don't.

Why would your mother stand in the way of you getting housing? Doesn't she realize what situation you're in? Has she done this because she doesn't want your loser bf moving into housing with you? Have you/Can you talk to her and tell her you want to leave him?

CorydonFrills Thu 12-Nov-15 01:52:15

Are you in the ACT? The organization advice can help with legal advice. Other states will have similar things - Google "free legal advice" and the name of your state.

And call Lifeline - you are in crisis and they can hook you up with the appropriate supports that are local to you.

Join the discussion

Join the discussion

Registering is free, easy, and means you can join in the discussion, get discounts, win prizes and lots more.

Register now