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Partner has been hiding debt from me(18 Posts)
I discovered last week that my partner of 8 years has been hiding financial debt from me.It consists of 2 loans 5 credit cards and 2 pay day loans. He confessed to me last week. Our finances have always been separate so I had no idea. He finally came clean and it amounts to £24,000. He is a lovely man and very kind. He feels very ashamed and is very sorry. I have always been very cautious with money and have no debt. However i do to earn much so cannot really help. I want to support him but I also feel very betrayed. He has lied to me for around 5 years of our relationship. I also feel ashamed and do not want to tell anyone. Any advice would really help. I feel lost.
Well you need to look where the money went. if it was on supporting the family to have a basic quality of living then you might feel differently to if he was buying himself designer clothes.
Or have you both had unrealistic expectations- holidays, houses, cars, clothes, not working etc. This may have out pressure on him. Have you asked where the money has been coming from over the years? Do you know how much he earns?
Alvin hall has some great books to help him reflect and take control.
He can look at selling items to recoup some costs. Then writing all his out goings down and ensuring he doesn't squander cash.
What did the 24k go on?
I cover all the bills from my account . He pays a contribution to me each month. We didn't live together full time until 2 years ago. I knew he had some debt (he told me 2.5k)but I gave him the money to pay it off when i inherited. Turns out that he hadn't been honest about how much that was and it only scratched the surface. He said a year later that he had built up a little bit again and then borrowed from his parents (this was 6 months ago) Again I thought he was then clear. Turns out he had again only scratched the surface. What concerns me is that 12 months ago he bought an apple laptop. He didn't need it. He just bought it on credit. He told me he could afford it at the time. He now admits he couldn't. Yes he has bought me things but nothing extravagant. He has spent more on himself I would say. I have been a fool I know. I have never questioned his finances. Turns out he was given a 5,000 pay rise in January. He didn't tell me about it because he was in so much debt.I feel lied to.
He needs to take his head from the sand and get some financial advice, I believe it's possible to consolidate and sometimes cancel down debt. I'm sure someone with more knowledge will be along shortly.
Thank you. I'll seek the books out. I don't know where the money went. turns out he was in debt when I met him but i didn't know. What he spent wasn't questionable (if you didn't know he was in debt) does that make sense? We always went halves on everything as we both earn around the same. When he told me he had taken out a store card to buy some cloths and was going to pay it back at the end of the month i didn't question it. However what i didn't know is how much debt he was in already. He is remorseful and has already put some items on ebay. He is trying. I am trying too but struggling with the deception.
You should feel lied to- he's been v dishonest! I'd swing between wanting to flip my lid and thinking "thank goodness he told me now".
Are there gambling issues or anything?
Do you have assets with him that could be at risk if payments aren't kept up?
Does he want to change or is he just looking for you to fix it for him?
What solutions, if any, does he have?
Extra job(s)? Selling "stuff" inc the Apple computer. Sell a car and buy a cheap runaround or a bike if he doesn't need to go far. The extra few hundred a month from pay rise will quickly make a dent in debt.
Don't let him shirk his share of bills. Should be 50/50!
DP has/had a gambling addiction. Thankfully never in debt, but blew his input share of the "family savings" pot.
Now I manage all the money. He has access to family (joint) bank account but knows I can see if he has taken extra money. We each get "pocket money" and he can choose to gamble it if he wants, but it keeps the rest safe. Its not ideal. I don't want him to gamble at all, but he's big enough and bad enough to make his own mistakes. He knows what my limits are though.
No gambling. He has opened an eBay account in order to sell the laptop. He has told me that he wants to sit down with me each month so we can talk through his finances. He says he needs my support and I sm happy to give it. There is nobody to support me though as I feel too ashamed to talk to anyone. I love him, I want to support him but I am also upset that he has lied
Don't feel ashamed. If he's serious about this, it could make your relationship stronger.
Are you worried that "if he's lied about this for so long then he might lie again"? That's what would be going through my head. Can you both be honest with his parents and ask them for (non financial) support while you tackle this?
He has some pretty ingrained spending habits that he needs to change, this will take time and possibly some counselling or a good self help book (as suggested above).
The fear is the lying if I'm honest. He doesn't want to tell his parents. He is ashamed and they are also quite elderly. I was going to suggest we see a counsellor together. Do you think he should go by himself?
What does he plan to do to get the situation under control? There are several issues- the fact that he lied about the debt and pay rise, that he is overspending, that he needs to make significant changes in order to repay and avoid the situation recurring. Selling a laptop on eBay is not even going to pay a month's interest. Would he go to Cab or speak to Step Change ? Admitting the problem is only the beginning and it may well already be worse than he has let on. He really needs to demonstrate a willingness to address this if he is to start regaining your trust. Only then can you consider the future. Good luck.
A year ago I was in £20k debt on credit cards. For me it was a lack of budgeting and 'keeping up with the Joneses'. Your DP has lied and that is going to hurt but it seems to me that he has taken his head out of the sand and is facing up to the mess he is in so all is not lost unless you don't trust him anymore.
I have spent the past year being very frugal and my debt is reducing.
Your DP needs to take advice about how to pay off his debt. CAB, Step Change and Money Advice Service should be able to help.
I would say though that first he needs to tackle the payday loans, the interest on them are crippling. Sell the laptop and pay those off.
I don't think he needs to tell his parents. My parents have no idea about the level of my debt. But counseling could be good for both of you.
What I found helpful to me is personal finance blogs. There are many but they often have very positive and motivated posts and keep me going. PM me and I'll send you some links if you want
This is all very helpful. Thank you. He has approached CAB and Step Change. It was one of them that advised him to tell me. Only concern is if he does what Step Change has advised, it will affect my credit rating, which is very good. I am self employed and need to protect my credit rating should I ever need to borrow money. lunastarfish - how do I PM?
I'm sorry but you can't trust this man however nice you say he is. He has lied to you blatantly and consistently from the off and that shows zero respect for you as a person. He has hidden the truth about his debts and his income. He's probably trashed your credit rating. He now pulls a sad face and you're the one feeling ashamed? Why are you not angry.?
Since this is a pattern of behaviour for him, I think there are two roads from here:
- he tells someone about the debt and they step in to fix it (again reinforcing the idea that he's incapable of fixing this and he needs you/his parents to do so for him)
- he genuinely wants to change, he identifies what needs to happen and he does it all himself (you can suggest books but he gets them and reads them himself, etc.)
Regarding the financial advice- don't do anything that affects your future options or your credit record. Even if the debt advisor told him about an option, the debt advisor may not have suggested he followed it. And the debt advisor is advising him, not you. No-one at the debt agency would advise you to do whatever this thing is if you went for an appointment yourself. Don't do it for someone with a proven track record of getting helped out of a hole then jumping straight back in.
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