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Mother keeps asking for money AFTER CSA liability has ended

(89 Posts)
jonzie55 Tue 02-Dec-14 15:33:36

My husband's CSA payments ended in July 2011. The child was then 19. I have since found out that the mother has been asking for more money from my husband and I have just found out that in the 3 years since his CSA obligations ended, he has paid out a total of £8,000 to her, without my knowledge. As you can imagine I am very upset by this. I fear he felt pressured by her and just paid what she asked for a quiet life. What I'd like to know is, would he be able to claim this money back through the Courts? Has anyone had a similar experience? Thanks.

FrauHelgaMissMarpleandaChuckle Tue 02-Dec-14 15:36:14

Sorry to say it's up to him.

I'd be fuming, but unless she put a gun to his head, I don't think there's much you can do about it.

Does he want to claim the money back through the Courts?

onadifferentplanet Tue 02-Dec-14 15:43:03

Does he want the money back or do you?
He doesn't stop being his child's father on their 19th birthday . Whilst the CSA do not take payment s after this time if he wants to continue to support his child surely that's up to him, they don't stop needing a roof over their heads, food to eat and clothes on their backs overnight you know.

NotMrsTumble Tue 02-Dec-14 15:44:12

It kinda depends what the money was for. If it was to support a child through higher /further education, then it's not unreasonable that he be asked to contribute. OH has been unreasonable in not discussing it with you though op.

AnnieLobeseder Tue 02-Dec-14 15:46:42

It all depends on what the money was spent on. If the child no longer lives with the mother and she spent the money on herself then you may have a right be a bit pissed off. However, if it was spent on, you know, his child, then YABVU and selfish and grabby. Yes, he should have told you if you share finances. But otherwise - did you think that he would just cut contact with his child once they reached majority and never spend a penny on them again?

listed Tue 02-Dec-14 15:47:39

If he has carried on supporting his daughter he sounds like a decent guy to me! Although admittedly he should have told you.

On what basis would you claim for it back?

If he gave it of his own free will and it was a gift not a loan then no, he can't ask for it back.

If she doesn't have it to give back it would be pointless anyway.

jonzie55 Tue 02-Dec-14 15:50:14

I've not got to the bottom of it all yet. Only found out about the (now 20yr old) child and CSA last night! Then came the shock of the additional £8k paid after liability ended! Damn right I'm angry I want him to take her to Court to get the money back but like you say, it'll be up to him. I'm awaiting a callback on Civil Legal Advice.

SanityClause Tue 02-Dec-14 15:50:14

I can see that you would be upset that your DH paid out a large sum of money for any reason, without your knowledge, unless you have very separate finances.

However, I think it is unreasonable of you to object to your DH continuing to support his son. Many parents continue to support children living with them at that age (by providing free or cheap lodgings, etc) or at university. Why would a non-resident parent not do the same?

Maybe he paid it secretly because he feared your reaction? And it sounds like he had reason to.

AlistairSim Tue 02-Dec-14 15:52:58

are you saying you only found out your DH had this child, last night?

Because that would be a whole new ballgame.

FrauHelgaMissMarpleandaChuckle Tue 02-Dec-14 15:53:16

Sorry - you were married to a man and you didn't know he had a child at all and was paying maintenance for that child?


FruitCakey Tue 02-Dec-14 15:53:30

As others have said, if it was to continue supporting his DC, then you can't decide the money needs paying back. Saying that though, if he has used any of your money, I would be pissed off!

If he has been using his own money to continue supporting his child, then wow, what a fantastic father he is, for remembering that his father duties don't end once his child has grown up.

SanityClause Tue 02-Dec-14 15:55:52

What possible grounds would he have for demanding the money back? Unless there was some kind of blackmail or fraud or other crime committed, (which is possible, I s'pose hmm) it looks like he gave her the money to help support his child (sorry, don't know why I assumed it was a son, upthread).

FruitCakey Tue 02-Dec-14 15:55:54

Woah Woah Woah. He only told you last night that he had a son?


Heels99 Tue 02-Dec-14 15:56:50

How can you claim through court for money willingly given? Telling the judge you've Changed your mind doesn't cut it.

jonzie55 Tue 02-Dec-14 15:56:51

Yes. I only found out about the child last night, when I accidentally came across the CSA letter stating his liability to the child ended in 2011. I have been in a relationship with him for 24yrs and we've lived together for 21yrs.

GinAndSonic Tue 02-Dec-14 15:57:35

The child was 19 in 2011 and is 20 now? Is my maths wonky here?
Anyway. Its not really up to you if he supports his child, its up to him. The courts would laugh him out if he tried to claim it back. He gave it, for his child, without a gun to his head. He has no grounds to ask for it back.
If he didnt tell you he had a child, be fucked off with him, not his ex, who hasnt lied to you at all.

Heels99 Tue 02-Dec-14 15:57:59

Worker, the money paid beyond 19 wouldn't be my key issue with all this....

FrauHelgaMissMarpleandaChuckle Tue 02-Dec-14 15:58:11

The money is the least of your worries.

AnnieLobeseder Tue 02-Dec-14 15:58:31

Okay, as others have said, money aside, did you really mean you only found out that this child exists last night? Because in that case, you have far bigger worries than money spent on supporting that child, no matter what their age. How long have you been together?

IrianofWay Tue 02-Dec-14 15:59:12

shock And you're worried about the money??

FrauHelgaMissMarpleandaChuckle Tue 02-Dec-14 15:59:30

Your maths doesn't add up - 19 in 2011 means 22 now.

GinAndSonic Tue 02-Dec-14 16:01:01

So, he got someone pregnant while you were in a relationship with him, lied to you by failing to tell you, presumably hasnt been in his childs life at all, and you are pissed off with the woman, who was left literally holding the baby while your cheating scumbag of a husband swanned off back home to lie to you, for having the cheek to ask him to support his child financially?

AnnieLobeseder Tue 02-Dec-14 16:01:28

Cross posts, but my statement stands. Why FFS are you fixated on the money here?

But still if you do want to go down that road, as others have said - he gave the money freely to his own child. There is no reasonable way you will be able to get it back. And would look like a giant arse if you tried. The child and their mother are not the ones who have wronged you here. Get the money back off your (STBX)DH if you feel entitled to it.

SanityClause Tue 02-Dec-14 16:04:01

Oh, sorry, I missed that. You only just found out your DH had a child?

Well, it doesn't change the money situation as far as the ex and the child are concerned, as far as I can see.

But I think to marry someone and not tell them that you have a child is a major breach of trust. And you need to concentrate on that, not getting the money back.

AnnieLobeseder Tue 02-Dec-14 16:05:14

Sorry, I'm not framing my posts kindly, which is unfair as you've probably had a massive shock. I would suggest you put the money issue aside for now, I suspect you're using it as a subconscious diversion so that you don't have to deal with how you're feeling about your H right now. Take the time to process your feelings and thoughts, be kind to yourself. I'm sorry this has happened to you. flowers

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