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my ex wants his money back please help

(21 Posts)
ethlewjam Thu 27-Nov-14 21:20:51


I am a newbie here but desperate for advice. I am a single mum of 3 I have been since my separation to their dad now been 4 years.

I also have been sexually abused which is only added as it is relevant to this story.

This year I met a man who rushed me off my feet. He is slightly older and partially disabled. He received a payout some years before I met him. After a couple of months he said he lover me and never felt like this for anyone. He wanted to marry me. I told him I still had to get my divorce and then I told him of my abuse. I told him as I struggle with sex. None the less he said he wanted to stand by me no matter how long it took for me to get better and he wanted to pay for my divorce as a showing of that commitment.

I accepted but what was to follow has been awful. I struggled sexually and he said if he can't have sex there was no relationship. He was also aware that my youngest child was in hospital very ill and still he sent hate texts.

I am at breaking point I have 3 kids one very sick. He is threatening to take me to court despite the fact he gifted the money for my divorce so we could marry which he is now saying won't happen as there is no sex.

Can he really take me to court where there was only cash given an understanding it was a gift no requirement to pay it back. I haven't even called off the engagement he has. I feel I am drowning here and I have a very sick son in hospital please help

dontcallmehon22 Thu 27-Nov-14 21:23:32

Oh my goodness, you poor thing. I'm no expert but if there's nothing to prove it wasn't a gift, I don't see how you can be made to pay it back. He sounds awful. Thinking of you and your son flowers

katsumama Thu 27-Nov-14 21:29:00

Don't worry about him, don't pay him back. Just focus on your son.

ethlewjam Thu 27-Nov-14 21:35:02

Thank you for both your replies so quickly I am ill with worry about his threats of court and my sick son.

My life just seems to revolve around fear while he seems to be getting a kick out of it. He posts publicly on facebook all the great things he is doing and texting me at the same time threatening court. All I do is work and look after my kids I just feel devastated and alone confused

OldLadyKnows Thu 27-Nov-14 21:50:08

No, he can't take you to court; well, he can try, but as already said, with no indication that this was anything other than a gift, no court will order you to pay it back. He's a controlling bastard and you're well shot of him.

Block him on FB, block his number on your phone, if you can. Ignore, ignore, ignore.

And flowers for you too.

TalkinPeace Thu 27-Nov-14 21:50:15

Go and talk to the police.
He is threatening and harrassing you and effectively blackmailing you into returning a gift.
Block his texts.
Also talk to the CAB as they will help you tidy up other legal and financial matters for free.
Have you told your divorce solicitor about the abuse : it matters in terms of how the mediation is handled

Facebook : unfriend him and block him.
Regularly check to see if he's tagged you in pictures and report them as harrassment
report any of his posts you can see
(FB are very wary of sexual predators using their site at the moment)

And vow to be celibate for a year or two while you get it all done and dusted

You'll be OK

CogitoErgoSometimes Fri 28-Nov-14 09:14:42

How much money is involved? I agree that he is going about this in a very heavy-handed and unpleasant manner. However, if it's a significant amount of money, it may be prudent to offer him a part-settlement as a goodwill gesture rather than hope he's just going to go away.

LineRunner Fri 28-Nov-14 09:20:59

He is harassing you.

Please go to the Police for advice, and then ask your GP to arrange some counselling just for you. You must be exhausted.

LaurieFairyCake Fri 28-Nov-14 09:25:58

What an evil fucker.

Even if he could get you to return the money (unlikely) then the court would only set it a rate you could pay like £10 a week if you could afford it.
However it's really unlikely and far more likely he just wants to harass you.

Just block him and never reply, report to police if harassment continues.

CleaninQueen Fri 28-Nov-14 09:32:50

He could try to take you to small claims court, however if it wasn't written down and said as a gift legally he can't force you to pay it back.

LineRunner Fri 28-Nov-14 09:46:22

There's no contract so the small claims court wouldn't entertain it.

NewEraNewMindset Fri 28-Nov-14 09:51:39

I agree about harassment and informing the police. I also agree about getting rid of Facebook so he can't contact you through that medium.

Let him do his worse quite honestly. Just keep telling the truth and even if you have to pay the money back I imagine it would be a small amount each week, particularly since you have three dependants.

ethlewjam Fri 28-Nov-14 17:01:16

Thank you all who have contributed. I have been in the hospital all day with the little one but my head is just packed full of worry.

I don't get how someone can turn so horrible so quickly. I appreciate sex is a big thing for some but to call off a whole marriage and then threaten court just seems so unreal for me.

So my little one discharged today so cab on Monday and see where we go from there. Thank you guys

Viviennemary Fri 28-Nov-14 17:04:36

I think he would have to prove it was a loan and not a gift. I can't see he would go to court with this as he wouldn't have a lot of chance of winning if there was no written loan agreement. You should now distance yourself from him because he sounds awful.

CogitoErgoSometimes Fri 28-Nov-14 17:17:20

I'm still curious how much money was involved. A few hundred is a gift. A few thousand and there were always going to be strings attached.

Viviennemary Fri 28-Nov-14 17:21:58

If it was quite a lot of money I don't think you should have accepted it as a gift even if he insisted especially as you haven't known him very long. A few hundred OK but tens of thousands not right at all.

Handsup Fri 28-Nov-14 17:33:56

I think the amount is irrelevant. He broke of the engagement after all. A gift is a gift - not a loan.

Just worry about yourself and son for now smile

OldLadyKnows Fri 28-Nov-14 17:39:39

It hardly matters how much it was, if it was a gift he can't claim it back.

There are red flags all over this; he "fell in love" with the OP, swept her off her feet, proposed marriage, gave money for the divorce, and wanted sex from a woman he knew to have been sexually abused in the past, who had difficulties in this area. When OP was, commendably, strong enough to refuse sex, he dumped her (this woman he "loved" so much!) and started threatening her.

He thought he was buying her, and when it turned out she's not for sale, he got nasty. I agree with other posters who have said contact the police. This man is a foul piece of work.

I hope your child is better soon. This is an awful time for you.

ethlewjam Fri 28-Nov-14 18:04:01

Thank you to settle the curious the divorce was 3500. He was very insistent he wanted to pay the divorce to show his commitment as I had made the disclosure of the abuse shortly before.

I didn't accept it in the beginning because I knew how difficult the sex would be for me.

I made initial attempts to start hypnotherapy and he knew it would be a long progress but he said he would wait the sex wasn't as important as being married. That was when I agreed I guess I should have said no because I think now as soon as I did that he felt he had some claim over me and maybe ethically he does I just don't know.

It torments me as my abuse was punishment and I feel I am still being punished now

TalkinPeace Fri 28-Nov-14 19:13:38

for £3500 he can piss right off.

You got your divorce done pretty cheaply. Well done you.

Now cut him out of your life, move on and mentally think of GOOD things to do with the £3500 that turned the corner for you
in so many ways

jessica361 Mon 14-Dec-15 04:00:02

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

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