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My partner contributes nothing financially, and now wants a joint mortgage!

(37 Posts)
passionflower1 Mon 07-Jul-14 20:22:44

My partner who is the father to our 18 month old daughter and I have been together for 5 years lived together almost as long. I am a nurse and work 3 12hr shifts a week. During the first 3 years I rented the properties for us to live in in my name, paid all rent and all bills and bought him personal items e.g toiletries, clothes etc which he did not ask for but I guess came to expect when he was not working. I have sorted out every financial issue, non financial issue, looked after my two children (now 11 & 13) from a previous relationship including all homework, plays, the usual!!! Done all housework by myself, he's a chef and does all the cooking (no cleaning up after himself!) When he's around.

The situation changed when he started working full time 70 hours/week yes the money he made was good and he gave it all to me but we didn't see each other. Now he works part time , opposite to my shifts so we can share the child care for our daughter. That's all we share though, he does pay for two nursery sessions a week which is about £200 a month. I continue to pay rent £750 a month, all bills including Xbox membership for him, our mobile phones, sky you know the fun stuff as well as clothes, for kids, electric, gas, food, water, broadband! Now its in writing I feel the word MUG should be tattooed across my face! Any hoo, in reality it's not about money, he contributes as much as he can if he went back full time our child care bill would be too much.

Now we are looking at a mortgage, I am providing a 12,000 deposit and 6000 toward legal and decorating, furnishing new pad, and our finances will remain the same, I pay mortgage instead of rent plus all bills whilst he pays nursery and the occasional bit of food shopping and treats (takeaway or coffee out). He talks of going away to work as he did before we got together to make more money ( as a relief chef you get short jobs where hotels are short staffed and you get much more an hour through an agency), making more money to make overpayments on the mortgage and pay it off quicker.

Firstly I'm not sure this will happen, so therefore secondly should I get the solicitor to draw up an agreement reflecting the fact that I will pay the mortgage and supply the £18,000 going into the house and it's purchase? if we split I am not prepared to lose all my inheritance, my full contribution to the mortgage payments and the money towards the legal exp and decorations etc. Am I being sensible or focussing too much on being money greedy? My ex husband was a bugger with money and we signed a financial order when we got divorced so he could protect his army pension in case I made a claim! I feel sad I have to look at this as we are happy and love each other very much.

Johnogroats Mon 07-Jul-14 20:30:41

You clearly feel resentful about the disparities...and you use the word "mug" which pretty much sums it up. Are you really apply about this? Why not have a conversation about the situation? A cohabitation agreement is perhaps a sensible option (we had one when we first bought a house) but not where I would be focusing my attention now.

Johnogroats Mon 07-Jul-14 20:31:09

Happy not apply.

Itsfab Mon 07-Jul-14 20:36:27

Hell no should he get half a house he doesn't pay into hmm.

Hassled Mon 07-Jul-14 20:36:56

You'd be insane to get a joint mortgage with a man who won't be contributing to the mortgage and who has contributed nothing to the deposit etc. Please just don't do it.

Where does his salary actually go, if it's not bills/rent?

Preciousbane Tue 08-Jul-14 01:28:31

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

EverythingCounts Tue 08-Jul-14 01:39:19

Definitely see a solicitor about an agreement to protect your investment in the house.

Does he have to be on the mortgage? What would he say if you said you would prefer your name only and he pays you some rent?

And how will the childcare set up work if he's going away for relief jobs? I am guessing these will be irregular, ie not every week or same days. Nightmare for childcare. Can't see it working.

passionflower1 Tue 08-Jul-14 10:12:49

I am starting to feel a bit resentful, especially as he says I've changed and I'm not as fun and carefree as I was when we first met! I wonder why, I have all the responsibility when he doesn't have to worry about a thing!

We are hoping to increase the childcare when we get our free sessions so that would help with some cost if he works away.

His money is spent on his gardening hobbie, kids things, non essentials, most of the things I can't afford out of my money.

He works part-time to help with childcare, if that wasn't so expensive he'd work full time but as a chef the hours are horrendous, we wouldn't see each other and neither would the kids.

If he was the higher earner and I worked part-time would I look at it differently? To be honest without him, I'd struggle looking after our daughter and work so we came to a decision that as my job brings in the most money and is a career for me not just a job , he would reduce his hrs and help look after our daughter. I can't say well that's not good enough.

Just feel he has no responsibility toward finances and I'm getting snowed under. For example I have spent the last 6 months sorting out credit reports and scores ready for our mortgage while he does nothing.

I'm not sure if I can get a mortgage on my own as ive been told that if he is living in the property but not on the mortgage then he's classed as a dependent and I fail on the affordability aspect. Thinking of having the deeds as tenants in common and specify the deposit I've paid and the split if the property is sold. If we buy together again then all money goes back in to the new house if we separate or something happens to me then my interest goes to the kids or I walk away with what I put in plus any money made and he gets a proportion too.

Money takes all the romance away, but have to be wise.

JennyWren Tue 08-Jul-14 10:34:20

Instead of focusing on who pays for what, would it help to think of it in terms of total expenses. So, for sake of argument, if your total rent/mortgage plus household bills plus childcare plus food amounts to £2000/month, if your individual income is roughly the same then you each pay £1000 into the pot. But if as a family you have decided a work pattern for yourselves that means you bring in differing amounts, then pay in more proportionally so that you have the same amount as personal spends at the end of the day. If you're a family then all day to day family expenses are joint and I don't think it should matter whose money technically pays toward what.

But if you are not married, you should definitely protect your capital injection into the property - your solicitor can arrange that for you when you buy.

Itsfab Tue 08-Jul-14 11:03:46

It doesn't sound like a marriage made in heaven.

passionflower1 Tue 08-Jul-14 11:11:30

Yes I think that's a really good idea, we have talked about a joint account for bills where we put in an amount equivalent to our earnings. Just not got round to sorting it out. You are right we are a family and it's only now I'm feeling the pressure of all this mortgage organising, we are going to have to sit down and discuss everything in detail again and set some goals. Eg get the joint account set up, organise bills, and % we pay into it. Just need to share the responsibility! Thank you.

LumieresForMe Tue 08-Jul-14 11:14:26

You have a child and you are living together, have done so for 5years. Regardless of the reason why he is working part time, all the money coming in should be put in a common pot. At the very least, look at all expenses, agree on how much each of you in paying into it and then Psy all the bills from that account.
I would be saying the same thing if the situation was reversed.
Re the buying of the house, I think you need some legal advise. And to see if the 'common pot system' is actually working ie he is actually paying in as agreed. If not, this mortgage should be in your name only.

LumieresForMe Tue 08-Jul-14 11:15:31

Sorry xpost!
I can see there are a few of us with similar ideas smile

PPaka Tue 08-Jul-14 11:28:01

Omg- reverse the roles and that's the way millions of households work.
I saw the thread title and thought the guy would be a loser, but he is contributing in lots of ways

Just find a way to combine the salaries and make it more like joint finances

LumieresForMe Tue 08-Jul-14 11:48:15

Hmm you rarely have a woman who works part time who is keeping most if her income to spend on her hobbies/clothes/inessential items whilst her DH works shits but still a lot of the childcare in the top if studying, doing the HW etc.
it's more likely that the woman works part time puts all her money into the family pot whilst her DH does little childcare.

But yes it all goes back to having joints finances if you are living together.

passionflower1 Tue 08-Jul-14 12:21:04

No he's not a loser just spends most of his money on what he wants where as I feel guilty buying myself anything because my money goes on everything else, I look after our daughter when he's working so the childcare is NOT just him. Oh and housework and chores never ever enter his mind.

TalkinPeace Tue 08-Jul-14 13:42:47

I have friends at the gym who spend THOUSANDS of pounds of their husbands money on fripperies and have kids at boarding school so they can enjoy their social lives while their husbands work insane hours.
Life is about compromises, especially once you have children.

Set up a household account that pays ALL the bills and sets aside for capital stuff and then both have your own fripperies accounts.

Mine / his / hers / mine thoughts are not long term ...

passionflower1 Tue 08-Jul-14 14:41:43

Yup but I bet those husbands didn't have to do all the housework and as you say the kids weren't around for them to look after!

I'm just tired and worn out, I sufferer headaches most days due to an enlarged pituitary gland in my brain which has recently been diagnosed.

The answer is I think a Rota for housework and joint bills account.

Mintyy Tue 08-Jul-14 14:45:48

Ffs, I have been a sahm or the lower earner in my marriage for 15 years now and there is no way on earth I would agree to my dh having a mortgage in his name only. Where the hell would my security be?

passionflower1 Tue 08-Jul-14 15:38:29

I'm not a sahm, I work bloody hard as a nurse three 12hr shifts a week , and do everything a sahm does too. My point is he does work but contributes nothing to household bills, nothing in the way of housework, he cooks when he wants but I don't get the luxury of doing the laundry when I want as no one would have any clean clothes! He looks after our daughter when I'm working but two of those mornings she's in nursery, does he tackle chores then, no he does what ever he wants to do, I wouldn't mind but I don't get the same, I don't get any time to myself, if everything were a little more equal then I'd be happier. He takes it for granted that I'll do it all.

What did upset me and we have discussed this is when he Said he'd be unhappy that any money he contributes to the mortgage should not benefit my two children only his daughter as an inheritance, as my children have a father to leave them inheritance, my half can be used to benefit my two and our daughter how bloody selfish when he has not contributed a penny to the deposit, or money toward anything to do with a house purchase. Not sure how he thinks he can dictate how the house would be divided up without contributing to its purchase and what my children's father leaves them has nothing to do with me and there is no guarantee he''ll leave anything, I wanted the house divided equally to all 3 children if we die.

Mintyy Tue 08-Jul-14 15:41:32

I am posting from his perspective passionflower, you don't need to repeat everything you have said - I have read the full thread and understood it.

passionflower1 Tue 08-Jul-14 16:10:39

Apologies got a lot on my mind and found an outlet!

I don't work, or contribute financially to the house, but I am on the deeds and the mortgage. I contribute in other ways, but dh could write a very similar OP about him bringing in all the money and paying for my candy crush habit subscriptions etc etc - but that is the way our lives have worked out - I was at home with the children, and that was our choice.

expatinscotland Tue 08-Jul-14 16:19:21

You are unmarried. I would see a solicitor. I would not tolerate a partner who did no housework, tbh.

bakingaddict Tue 08-Jul-14 16:34:38

I think you have some deeper issues. From an outsider's point of view your DP as the lesser earner is contributing financially as he has taken a pay cut to go part-time in order to help with childcare. My DH as the higher earner pays for all the mortgage and bills, utilities, TV, broadband etc while my part-time salary goes on childcare, shopping, holiday, days out etc but the house is still 50% mine so your situation is not unique just that you are the main breadwinner instead of your DP. Perhaps you are not as au fait with the role reversal as you imagine.

Sort out the inequalities in the burden of housework, if he isn't prepared to do any then he must forsake what he spends on hobbies for a cleaner. You need to see your finances as more family finances so it makes little difference as to whether the main breadwinner is covering more than the part timer as long as the family standard of living is being maintained

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