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Husband lied about money

(24 Posts)
VeryCrossWife Mon 10-Feb-14 14:28:57

Just joined as I want to share and see if I am being unreasonable. I have just found out that my husband has secret loans ad that we are quite in debt. I am furious that he did tell me. After much thought I thought I should say we will work it out as it should not ruin the marriage. But before I even spoke he has said he wants to spend money on some stuff for the house! - with what? I caanot believe how stupid he his, does he not realise what he is doing?

Mum2Fergus Mon 10-Feb-14 18:06:03

No YANBA...clearly a serious chat is in order. Were the loans in his name alone,or secured? What has he spent the money on!

VeryCrossWife Mon 10-Feb-14 19:09:30

Thankfully it as unsecured but he does not know what it went on. All in his name so I am safe at least. Cannot believe he has done this. Not sure if he will sort it though which is my major concern

Mum2Fergus Mon 10-Feb-14 19:30:43

I could potentially forgive the loan,but not accepting responsibility for it,or general financial situation would be a deal breaker for me...

CogitoErgoSometimes Mon 10-Feb-14 20:52:29

Financial irresponsibility is a really bad character trait in anyone. Lying is even worse. Lying means he has no respect for you as an individual. You're just someone who can be fobbed off and disregarded. You don't matter. If there are no serious consequences to behaviour you can expect more of the same in the future.

If he doesn't know where the money has gone that's utterly unacceptable as an explanation. Strongly recommend you run a credit report urgently. If he's going behind your back to borrow money he could have remortgaged the house, taken out credit in your name... anything really.

He can't be trusted.

LauraBridges Tue 11-Feb-14 16:15:48

Check it all out and check he hasn't signed in your name and forged your signature. Check the house has not been remortgaged without your knowing and things like that.

You might also want to take more control - he gives you his credit cards, you do all the paying of bills, you open all post etc, he tells you what he will cut back on to pay back these bills eg cycle to work and give up his car etc.

VeryCrossWife Tue 11-Feb-14 16:36:10

Thanks for all your messages.
I take on so much already working, running the house, looking after children etc it would frustrate me to have to micro manage him too.
Yes he is financially irresponsible and it makes me mad especially when I scrimp etc. I feel really mad at him and everything I do seems to be disregarded. He is unworthy of my trust and very unreliable.
Mortgage is safe and my credit report is good he has just screwed his up!!

CogitoErgoSometimes Wed 12-Feb-14 08:14:22

And what are the serious consequences for him of this deception? Your life has changed because you're now sharing it with an irresponsible liar that you can't trust. How has his life changed?

TalkinPeace Wed 12-Feb-14 14:48:15

Cut up his cards.

JeanSeberg Wed 12-Feb-14 14:52:54

Ask him to move out temporarily while you consider what you want to do next.

He's minimising - does not know what it went on. Bullshit.

TalkinPeace Wed 12-Feb-14 15:00:23

I'm afraid I cannot support the "LTB" arguments.
That will just make things worse, especially as there are children involved.

I know lots of ladies whose credit card bills are far, far more than their husbands (who earn the money) realise.
Should they be thrown out for it?

A family unit household costs less to run than two single adults.

Cut up the cards, sit with him while you run a credit check on both of you - so that you know where you both stand

and then put his goolies in a jamjar on your side of the bed and decide how much "boy" money he will get each month and everything else goes into an account under your control.

JeanSeberg Wed 12-Feb-14 15:05:10

I never suggested LTB - I suggested she ask him to move out temporarily while she considers her options.

He's not faced up to what he's done, he's deceived her, lied and continues to lie.

This has gone beyond having anything to do with running up debt.

Why should she now take on the role of having to police his spending? She's no idea yet what the true picture is.

TalkinPeace Wed 12-Feb-14 15:10:15

But if he moves out, then she has no control and he runs up even higher bills renting a place so there will be even less for her and the kids

JeanSeberg Wed 12-Feb-14 15:13:12

He hardly needs to rent a place if he moves out to a mate or family member for a few nights while she gets to the bottom of exactly what's gone on and gets her thoughts together...

VeryCrossWife Wed 12-Feb-14 15:52:21

Thankyou for your messages. What really gets me is that he lied. The money we can deal with but lying is rude and shows little thought or care for me. I think the root of the problem is lack of respect both for me and money. I am not rushing into any decisions I need to clear my head about it and ignore him for some time!

JeanSeberg Wed 12-Feb-14 16:46:34

That's understandable. You've had a shock and need time to process what's happened and find out what else he's done.

Do you have someone you can confide in in real life?

LauraBridges Wed 12-Feb-14 17:23:10

Mumsnetters always rush to saying - throw the man out (never the woman of course).

Take your time. Take control of all family finances and he needs to suggest ways he can earn extra money to pay back what he has incurred. Do lots of checks to ensure he has not forged your signature on anything.

JeanSeberg Wed 12-Feb-14 17:27:19

Yes it should be her responsibility to fix it all shouldn't it. hmm

CogitoErgoSometimes Thu 13-Feb-14 08:59:43

I'm not saying 'LTB' either but I am saying that there need to be some fairly serious consequences to his actions or else he has no incentive to change behaviour. Already he's talking about spending money on the house so he's not taking what he's done seriously in the slightest. A relationship with someone you can't trust and who shows you no respect is a recipe for a very miserable future.

WarmFuzzyFuture Thu 13-Feb-14 09:17:26

If you choose to stay married to your DH, you'll need to 'financially divorce him', completely secure and separate your finances, which is a bit difficult whilst still married/sharing a home etc.

He ran up the debts, he needs to deal with the consequences entirely on his own. I would not cut up credit cards/dole out pocket money etc. He is not a child, and you are not Mrs Fix It.

Unfortunately, someone who does this type of thing (running up debts/financial irresponsibility) won't change.

This really is about what you can live with, and how to limit the affect your DH's debts on yourself and your children?

WarmFuzzyFuture Thu 13-Feb-14 09:20:15

If you have children.

mirtzapine Thu 13-Feb-14 10:31:31

my DW basically did exactly the same to me. So I feel for you

Hoppinggreen Fri 14-Feb-14 10:29:04

I have been the same as your husband in the past - I am not defending what he ( or I ) did but please don't think that it means he loves you any less or doesn't respect you.
I absolutely adored my husband all the time I behaved irresponsibly with money ( still do) and I have utmost respect for him. To me it was purely about £ and buying things and in my head nothing to do with my relationship with my husband.
I am not defending your husband at all and you do need to deal with this but I just wanted to give my perspective to counter all the people saying he doesn't love or respect you and you should leave.
Also, I lied to my husband all the time - but only about money. Again, that's not right but please don't assume he's dishonest in other ways ( he may be but don't just assume it)

Hoppinggreen Fri 14-Feb-14 10:29:56

Oh and by the way - I have changed, so it is possible as long as you realise what you've done is terrible.

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