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DP's attitude to money (head in the sand mentality)

(35 Posts)
Frostybean Sun 10-Nov-13 16:29:22

How can I help DP be better with money? We don't live together (I won't because of his head in the sand attitude to money) but I have bailed him out a couple of times over the last two years. I've just found out that he has a five thousand pound overdraft which he regularly goes over (and gets charged for). He also bought a car on a credit card and lots of other things (for his children like drama class and trips for school) so that card is now up to nine grand also. I despair. He smokes, drinks and gambles (only at home with friends and the lottery) but refuses to face up to his financial problems and cut down. He lost his house in his divorce and had a second one repossessed. How do I get him out of the cave and into reality? (without destroying our relationship in the process).

Clutterbugsmum Sun 10-Nov-13 16:33:28

You can't.

Why would he change now. He already lost everything twice. Don't bail him out any more.

RevelsRoulette Sun 10-Nov-13 16:38:43

Clutter is right.

If losing his home hasn't taught him. If he can't stick within a five THOUSAND pound overdraft. If he comes cap in hand and still doesn't change it is because he doesn't want to.

What do you think you can say that will mean more than a home repossession?

I would refuse to bail him out again and you are doing the right thing in refusing to move in with him. It would be a HUGE mistake. He would take you down with him.

hermioneweasley Sun 10-Nov-13 16:47:08

Why would you want a relationship with someone so irresponsible?

And you can't make him change, given what you've described I doubt anything can.

manzanillaplease Sun 10-Nov-13 17:12:05

He has to want to change. Everytime you bail him out, that means he doesn't need to face up to reality.

Your 'head in the sand' title reminded me of this:

Frostybean Sun 10-Nov-13 18:51:05

Thanks to all who've taken the time to reply.
Hermioneweasley I know I must seem mad to want to be with him but (can't believe I'm writing this) he is a lovely, kind, funny, gentle man, who just seems to make the wrong choices over and over again. I have offered to get him a better fuel deal by using comparison sites (he doesn't have internet access) but he cant or wont find his bills. I just know that when the next winter fuel bill arrives he'll be in a panic as if he had no idea it was coming. Ive given him planning tools and told him how to use them but he hasnt adopted them and still just lives hand to mouth, lurching from one crisis to the next.

Manzanillaplease Debtcamel is very accurate. I have no idea why he doesn't want to deal with his debt. When I try to discuss it he just shrugs and says he doesn't care because theres nothing he can do or ... "shit happens" ... which effectively ends the conversation.

It's so frustrating. His family aren't like this.

MooncupGoddess Sun 10-Nov-13 19:00:16

It sounds very tedious and frustrating. If you're happy with this level of relationship (ie not living together) then fair enough... but if you would like a live-in relationship then you're with the wrong man and would be advised to consider your options quite seriously.

specialsubject Sun 10-Nov-13 19:01:53

you cannot help someone who refuses to accept help. The gambling is all part of it.

there is help and treatment - but if he refuses, what more can you do?

I admire your dedication (even though I don't understand it, 3 billion other blokes on the planet) but you need some serious protection or he will take you down with him. You need to tell him that he gets no more money off you, and stick to that.

Clutterbugsmum Sun 10-Nov-13 19:12:22

There no reason to stop seeing him as long as you protect yourself. Never let him move in, don't bail him out. Make sure you can and have protected your income.

On the other hand how can you have a long term relationship with someone who can not trust.

Frostybean Sun 10-Nov-13 19:14:23

specialsubject I hadnt considered the gambling as linked to the wider issue, as he only places small bets (£5 a time at poker) and seems to break even mostly. I'm not familiar with gambling issues ... maybe I should be. I feel so hopeless/useless. He has never asked me for money, I have always given it. I'm a fool aren't I.

expatinscotland Sun 10-Nov-13 19:17:26

No more bail outs. Leave him to it money-wise.

headoverheels Sun 10-Nov-13 19:21:16

My BIL is like this. It certainly doesn't come from his parents, who are very careful with money, as is my DH (his brother). BIL has had so many chances but continues to make poor decisions.

As others have said, you can't make him change. Either accept that he may always be like this or finish the relationship.

Preciousbane Sun 10-Nov-13 19:26:12

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Frostybean Sun 10-Nov-13 19:33:14

Headoverheels Do you mind me asking for examples of your BIL's bad decisions for comparison? I wonder sometimes if Im being unreasonable due to being super organised and careful.

headoverheels Sun 10-Nov-13 19:48:10

For example he lent quite a large sum of money recently to his friend's brother who he barely knew. Surprise surprise he hasn't been paid back. It's nice to be generous, but not when you're in debt yourself! He also drinks a lot. And he fails to plan financially, eg he is self employed and was taken aback by the size of his tax bill earlier this year. He asked his parents to help him pay it and they said no (after bailing him out too many times before) - I think he got out a loan to pay it, which is crazy - he should have been putting money aside for it every month. He's 42 fgs!

manzanillaplease Sun 10-Nov-13 19:51:37

"seems to break even mostly" that's what they all say...

Do you know where all the money is going? If you are mystified that he can be spending so much, then gambling may well be a part of it.

(But then I can never understand the attraction of gambling. All the other vices seem attractive to me - sloth, gluttony, lust etc But not gambling!)

IAlwaysThought Sun 10-Nov-13 20:01:22

Have him as a boyfriend but I wouldn't have him move in. Can you persuade him to do a full audit of his outgoings and incomings. Seeing everything written down in black and white might help.

He sounds a bit of a idiot though sad. Do his parents bail him out?

hermioneweasley Sun 10-Nov-13 20:02:12

Oh dear, I have seen so many people ruined by gambling. They ALL say they break even. Some have been hundreds of thousands in debt.

Unless you are happy to maintain this on a casual basis forever, I woukd cut your losses now.

Frostybean Sun 10-Nov-13 21:22:24

Headoverheels he sounds just like DP. Over-generous to near strangers, cripples himself financially buying drinks down the pub (last tab was £70!) Landlord insisted he settled. Always hosts the poker night, buying beer and food for local lads 20 years his junior and mates from work. I often wonder if this is the reason he has no friends his own age. Oh yes, he recently did some cash in hand work and promptly bought himself a pair of £170 boots and a bottle of £67 aftershave. Despite the fact that he has 3 other pairs of boots and five other aftershaves. Madness.

I have no idea where his bank statements are. I suspect they get thrown in his spare wardrobe, together with bills and copies of Mens Health. They all come spilling out if you open the doors.

I always thought He is actually quite clever but has NO common sense whatsoever. Everything seems to focus on 'having a laugh with the boys. He's 46 fgs.

Frostybean Sun 10-Nov-13 21:25:00

No, his parents dont bail him out as far as Im aware, apart from lending him the odd £100 here and there. He borrows from his teenage son too which I know he's ashamed of.

joanofarchitrave Sun 10-Nov-13 21:32:23

Maybe he's unbothered by a £5K overdraft because his gambling debts are so enormous they make it seem tiny.

MooncupGoddess Sun 10-Nov-13 22:01:02

"Everything seems to focus on 'having a laugh with the boys. He's 46 fgs."

It's not sounding great, is it.

Frostybean Sun 10-Nov-13 22:16:55

No it's not sounding great admittedly. I just feel sorry for him.

IAlwaysThought Sun 10-Nov-13 22:17:35

Ohh dear, it really doesn't sound good. He sounds like a 20 year old. sad. Does he admit that he has a problem or is he ok with the situation as it is?
It doesn't sound like it would be sensible for you to invest (no pun intended) too much into the relationship.

Preciousbane Sun 10-Nov-13 22:21:55

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

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