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In debt and not told husband

(57 Posts)
worriedmummy141 Wed 16-Oct-13 14:31:17

After leaving work to have my first baby in 2009 and not going back to work I have steadily got myself in a large amount of debt (£14,OOO), I am having trouble paying it back. I have been stressed out, feeling suicidal and depressed. I took the plunge and admitted it to my husband, I didn't expect him to pay it back and had a plan of getting a part time job to pay back the debts (even though with a 1 year old and 4 year old would be expensive childcare costs). My husband was shocked but wants to stay together, as I was expecting us to split up due to lies/deceit etc. He said he's just leaving it up to me to sort out. Now, after pondering the situation, I am thinking he should support and help me more. We have no mortgage, about £70K in savings and he earns over £65k pa. His is refusing to help me in any way saying that is his money. I got into debt and its my fault, but should he help me? Feeling very confused and don't know what to do.

VerucaInTheNutRoom Wed 16-Oct-13 14:33:33

What did you spend the money on? If it was essentials such as groceries, things for the baby, clothes that you actually needed then I think he is being grossly unfair.

fuckwittery Wed 16-Oct-13 14:36:10

How did you get into the debt, was your husband supporting you properly financially or have you been struggling to raise his children on minimal income while he puts money away into savings?
You are married, so your debt and savings should be shared, and this is the legal position should you separate too.

Apileofballyhoo Wed 16-Oct-13 14:36:14

This sounds very unfair. How do you live? Who pays for what?

LEMisdisappointed Wed 16-Oct-13 14:36:18

Can I ask why you got into debt? Did you buy luxuries etc or was it clothes . Stuff for dc? Ie things he should have helped with? If thats the case he should help.

He should help if he can because you will pay less interest if you pay the debts off. How are you going to pay that back? Are you working now?

Contact national debt line.

Nusatenggara Wed 16-Oct-13 14:38:25

He should help anyway whatever it was you spent it on, you are clearly feeling very miserable and repentant over your situation. I find it mindboggling that with all those savings and no mortgage he thinks that it is your problem to sort it out.

Enb76 Wed 16-Oct-13 14:40:16

Do you have any real chance of paying it back?

Have a look here

Itsjustafleshwound Wed 16-Oct-13 14:41:09

What were his reasons ... Is there more to this?

worriedmummy141 Wed 16-Oct-13 14:43:49

I have been spending money on food, clothes for children, all my clothes from supermarket. A lot of debt is interest and charges, paying of other debt etc. I am not extravagant. My husband has been giving transferring me an amount every month to pay for food, clothes and bills. I think he has been quite generous, but with debt is spirals out of control.

eurochick Wed 16-Oct-13 14:43:56

It depends on how you got into debt and whether you not going back to work was a joint decision.

If you decided you just didn't want to go back and spent lots on frivolous things, then I think he should not help you to pay of the debts.

If you agreed that you should not go back and you were buying baby and household essentials, then he should pay it off as he should have been supporting you all along.

HormonalHousewife Wed 16-Oct-13 14:47:04


You did the right thing in telling your DH and I bet thats a big relief off your mind.

You do realise that if you dont pay off your debts they will just increase - it wont just go away ?

With £70k savings the best plan would be to pay off the debt obviously.

If you dont think you can trust yourself to not do it again (I have obviously no idea what lead you to draw up debts like that) then you need to relinquish your 'right' to your joint money and let him 'manage' things for a while.

You are right though, he should be supporting you more.

worriedmummy141 Wed 16-Oct-13 14:48:52

His reasons for not helping are he has worked hard to save money and saving for future/children etc. Have not worked for 4 years so will be hard to get a job, pay for childcare etc etc. Will not be able to pay back for long time as won't earn much. It is my problem and I made a mistake. Whats the future? Me struggling with money, worrying about how to pay for food and clothes. Him going out enjoying himself etc etc. He is a very nice guy and supportive but very very shocked by his response to this

LifeofPo Wed 16-Oct-13 14:49:05

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

VerucaInTheNutRoom Wed 16-Oct-13 14:49:34

Well it is not unreasonable that he helps you get out of debt. But I don't know how you're going to force his hand on this. Maybe if you explain to him what the money was used for and the ramifications of you getting a job to pay off the debt (presumably paying for child are or him taking over if you're working evenings)? Also, did he give you a realistic amount to survive on, bearing in mind rising cost of food/petrol/utilities. I am always horribly shocked at how little £20 gets me at the supermarket these days.

Enb76 Wed 16-Oct-13 14:49:57

Go bankrupt.

worriedmummy141 Wed 16-Oct-13 14:50:19

It was a joint decision for me not to work.

LifeofPo Wed 16-Oct-13 14:51:07

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

PeppiNephrine Wed 16-Oct-13 14:53:17

He's not actually a very nice guy, is he? Why isn't all money shared?

ZippityDoodahday Wed 16-Oct-13 14:54:47

What LifeofPo said.

HardFacedCareeristBitchNigel Wed 16-Oct-13 14:55:21

what a wanker

HormonalHousewife Wed 16-Oct-13 14:56:43

LifeofPo is right.

Your initial post made me think you have been frivolous - and I gave an opinion based on that.

AnandaTimeIn Wed 16-Oct-13 14:57:30

Me struggling with money, worrying about how to pay for food and clothes. Him going out enjoying himself etc etc. He is a very nice guy

Yea, he sounds great hmm

worriedmummy141 Wed 16-Oct-13 14:58:16

Ha ha ha......maybe you are right.....maybe I should divorce him and get half of everything....that would shut him up!!!!!

monkeyfacegrace Wed 16-Oct-13 15:01:57

Here is how it would go in my house.

Me: love, ive fucked up. Im getting myself in a tizz and its spiraling. Im in debt. I swear it wont happen again, i have cut up my cards, lets run through spends and make sure i have enough monthly for what i need.

Him: dappy pleb. Heres the money to pay it all off from the savings. How much do you need every month to stop this happening again?

Me: x amount. Thanks, love you.

End of.

Apileofballyhoo Wed 16-Oct-13 15:03:11

If you ran up debt because you spent money on clothes and food for yourself and DC while he saved money and now he won't even help you it's not just money troubles you have. I am appalled.

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