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How do you divide your outgoings with your dp?

(95 Posts)
whatshallwedo Tue 16-Jul-13 20:57:22

I have returned to work part-time so have halved my wage.
Dp and I have always paid the same amount into our joint account to cover the mortgage, council tax, water, tv licence and life insurance. He then pays for food, gas and electricity while I pay for dd's clothes, toys and activities. We don't have childcare costs thankfully.

Now that I am unable to earn any extra money I'm not sure that this way is entirely fair now but dp begrudges giving me any money and wants to know why I need it etc which makes me feel as though I am being unreasonable for asking him.

I have worked out that my wage is equivalent to 23% of his if that makes a difference to my question.

So could you please give me an idea of what other people do and feel free to tell me I am lucky (or not) with the way things are already.

nkf Sat 20-Jul-13 13:15:38

Of course childcare costs come out of your salary because the unspoken implication is that childcare is a replacement for you. Not for him. I hope you work it out. It sounds as if you both have to adjust.

EatYourCrusts Sat 20-Jul-13 10:55:33

Pre DC we both put 60% of our salaries into a joint account and kept the rest each. Now I don't work so we just have one account.

whatshallwedo Sat 20-Jul-13 10:43:39

I wouldn't earn enough f/t to be able to pay for childcare and bills plus in the field I am in there is no chance of promotion at the moment so I would have to change jobs which is also risky where I am.

I'm not sure if I would end up being financially better off without him as he would only pay for dd and I would be left with mortgage etc. If we sold it would only leave us with a small amount each so not really enough to do anything with.

nkf Sat 20-Jul-13 10:26:28

If I were you, I'd go back to work full time and look for promotion. This is a demeaning way to live in my opinion. Or I would divorce him. Whatever gave me.more financial independence.

peteypiranha Sat 20-Jul-13 10:19:48

For us all our money goes in one account, and Im in charge of it all.

whatshallwedo Sat 20-Jul-13 10:16:26

Well I did mention putting both salaries together as we were having a general chat and I wanted to see what he said.

At first he didn't understand what I meant as so I explained it clearly and it was as though I could see his brain working as his next comment was 'so I am expected to have less disposable income now?'

To which I kindly pointed out to him that I now have half a wage coming in and no chance of being able to increase it for quite some time and that was fair on me?

I stopped the chat after this so that he has time to think about it before I resume it later smile

missedmebythatmuch Sat 20-Jul-13 07:12:42

We live entirely on my salary, and save all of DH's. But the savings are joint. We only do it that way because I have a regular salary and he is self-employed and his income fluctuates. Current account and savings accounts are in joint names. Shares are in my name only for reasons to do with work but I regard them as joint investments too.

PuggyMum Thu 18-Jul-13 18:01:45

I don't get the mine / their money.

Me and DH have one joint account where all money goes in. Then £x goes to cover the bills. £x to savings. And we live on what's left.

It's been like that since we moved in together in our early 20's. No children although I'm now 28 weeks pg.

CheeseFondueRocks Thu 18-Jul-13 17:53:50

It's 15 % of his income before rent, bills etc.

CheeseFondueRocks Thu 18-Jul-13 17:50:07

It's either 15 or 20% of earnings for one child.

whatshallwedo Thu 18-Jul-13 14:57:57

Does anyone know how much he would have to pay through CSA? Is there a % based on his earnings?

I have looked into tax credits but it was a while ago so I will look again thanks.

BadLad Thu 18-Jul-13 14:57:01

badlad, I think putting the same amount in the pot for bills etc only works if you earn roughly the same. If you were both paing in 1k a month each but one of you was only clearing £1050 a month and the other 3k then that wouldn't be fair.

DW actually earns more than me, mostly from passive income rather than her job. I get more in terms of basic salary. But as we both have quite a bit left, we just save it and for reasons I gave earlier, it wouldn't be sensible to have it all in one name.

If you are cutting it a bit more finely, then yes, you certainly have a point. I would hate to be eating cold beans wrapped in a blanket while my partner was on a world cruise.

rosebleu Thu 18-Jul-13 11:19:06

I don't have dc with my DH (although I had a child before we got together) so I don't think it's necessarily about enabling your husband's career and covering childcare costs he'd otherwise have (DH was doing well in his career long before he met me!) The fact is simply that we're in a partnership and therefore support each other and run the household as a team.

If I'd remained a single parent and not married him, I would be getting enough in tax credits/benefits to support myself, but his high income meant that ended once we got married. So there is an expectation in law that the earning partner's wages are used to support the whole household, even if he's the only earner and the other person has no job/childcare commitments.

It would be a worthwhile exercise to calculate what you'd be eligible for in benefits/tax credits/CSA if you decided to end the relationship OP, as sometimes it can turn out to be more than you'd be getting from your DP in this sort of scenario.

Flibbertyjibbet Thu 18-Jul-13 10:12:42

Before the kids came along dp and I had totally separate finances and it didn't seem to matter somehow as we both worked and both earned.

When children come along you either have a huge childcare bill each month (we had two children close together so for 2.5 ours peaked at £800 a month for THREE DAYS a week), OR, one parent has to work part time or not at all.

This makes things very different, as why should the part time parent be so much worse off financially than the other parent who carries on with unchanged finances? When kids come into the mix, the money has to be shared equally and I am constantly amazed on threads like this at the way some men behave after the children come and the partner's earning capacity is so much reduced.

Incidentally, people bang on about '1950s housewives' well my mum married in 1956 and my oldest sister was born in 1959. Mum had no option but to give up work on getting married (that's just what you did) and she's often said that they were an unusual couple at the time as dad just handed all the money over to mum for budget, bills, etc. My first job was in a wages office in 1978 in a factory. Most of the manual workers were paid weekly with a cash wage packet. If they were ill someone else could collect it for them. Some, their wives came, others had a note on file saying their wage was not to be given to their wives, and I found out this was because they did not want their wives to know what they were earning shock.

Threads like this make me realise that there are a lot of men out there with this same attitude in 2013sad

MaryKatharine Thu 18-Jul-13 09:50:03

badlad, I think putting the same amount in the pot for bills etc only works if you earn roughly the same. If you were both paing in 1k a month each but one of you was only clearing £1050 a month and the other 3k then that wouldn't be fair.

I only teach a couple of days a wk so earn about 15k a year. Over the last 10yrs this has been peppered with 4lots of mat leave and a couple of periods of SAH. DH has obv worked f/t throughout this period as a lawyer so earning far in excess of me.

The way we look at it is that by reducing my hours and spending certain periods at home I have facilitated him being able to do the job he does, and rise up through his career. So what I have done had basically helped him to where he is. I think this is shy we both view it all as ours.

Incidentally, after my pgce, I 'kept' him for a year whilst he he did his law exams after uni so it's a partnership.

whatshallwedo Thu 18-Jul-13 07:58:10

We did have the discussion and I worked it all out basing it on having his loan repayment money when it ended. It looked fine on paper and he agreed to it no problem.

Fast forward to when I first went back and was waiting for the first lot of money only to be told that the end date had been moved prior to all of our chats by 5 months angry .

I was then given some of his bonus to make up for it but now the 6 months is coming to an end I have been told that due to the way it is paid I won't get any until nearly 7 months. He did ask how much I needed to see me through until then which is also when he asked what was it he was 'paying' me the money for so I had to give a breakdown of what I would be spending it on.

If I had've known I would be justifying myself now to him to get the money he agreed to originally I would've thought twice about dc's.

He does seem to think that I should spend my time cleaning but I like to be able to take dd out as well.

HappyMummyOfOne Thu 18-Jul-13 07:19:52

Surely you had the discussion before planning children? One of you cutting your hours and salary has to be a joint decision that both parties are happy with.

Lots have seperate finances just like many have joint. There is no right or wrong way, you pick the method that you are both happy with or reach a compromise like adults.

Tortoiseonthehalfshell Thu 18-Jul-13 05:54:05

It sounds like he thinks he is your employer in your PT role as stay at home Mum, and can therefore dictate the terms of that job (ie, telling you what jobs to do) but he doesn't think that it's a job worthy of a wage?

I mean, look, if you were working full-time, you as a couple would be paying childcare fees. Or he would go part time. Either way, you staying at home allows him to earn full time and not pay out child care. So of course that extra money coming into your household, by way of your unpaid labour, should be household money.

But honestly, it sounds moot. You don't love him, he's not a good partner, you want to split. So that's what needs to happen.

Have you ever calculated what his CSA contribution would be?

BadLad Thu 18-Jul-13 05:33:05

This is a really interesting thread. I have always earned -a bit more than my hubby, our wages currently go into our own accounts and we have a standing order each month to put the same amount into the joint which covers all bills and mortgage. Whatever is left in our own accounts we do with as we please. For large purchases we usually discuss what we need and just split it 50/50.

That sounds perfect, and it's just about exactly what we do, except that I don't keep any track of what I transfer for bills and living goes on. It's shitloads cheaper than when I was living on my own, so if it's more than is necessary, good luck to DW and DMil.

If it's not enough, then they can just tell me and I'll transfer what they need in future.

It works for us, but then, we are both working full time, and are both fairly frugal. If one parent has to SAH, or one is frugal and the other is a spendthrift, then I can see why a different system would be necessary. Both DW and I would like to retire early, so we save as much as we can without being miserable.

whatshallwedo Wed 17-Jul-13 23:31:48

He has a loan which is the obe that is ending and a credit card which is now 0% but he is still only paying the minimum so even though there isn't any interest to pay it won't make much of a dent in it sad

rosebleu Wed 17-Jul-13 23:27:50

I would find it irritating to be told about housework jobs in the home so I don't blame you for feeling offended! I don't work and have most school hours free but DH still does half the housework, deals with most admin, and has much slacker expectations in terms of housework (we don't Hoover twice a week here...) We both have a lot of hobby/interest time but mine is normally in the school day while dd is at school, DH will go to classes after work in the week.

Are the debts on credit cards or loans? If he is just paying the minimum on credit cards, it could take decades to pay off. There are ways to deal with debts more efficiently, even if bankruptcy isn't an option because of your mortgage, like IVAs or other debt management plans. But it's your DP who would have to sign up for it, and it sounds like he isn't going to. It must be incredibly frustrating, as its almost like throwing money away.

mejypoo Wed 17-Jul-13 21:47:38

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

whatshallwedo Wed 17-Jul-13 20:14:52

thurlow tbh I don't actually know what I get out of it anymore.

It looks like the housework is fair, I do hoovering, dusting, washing, putting washing away and general tidying.

He does toilet, bathroom, grass and 90% of cooking. The kitchen tends to be shared as does dd.

The only difference is that I don't ask him to do his jobs as I know he knows they are there whereas he often asks what I am doing on my days off and if I say I'm taking dd somewhere he tells me not to forget that the hoovering needs doing (thurs and sun).

I think that this is what I struggle with the most as I don't stop him or put conditions on him going out several times a week.

frogwatcher42 Wed 17-Jul-13 20:07:58

Housework wise - I do more as I am at home more and work part time. I tend to make sure that I do roughly the same number of hours 'working' (i.e. paid work and 'home' work such as housework) as dh does in paid work/travel. Then the rest is split 50:50. We don't work it out exactly or have set jobs but tend to just keep going until everything is done.

What we do do is have approximately the same 'down time' each - watching tv, going out etc. We get about one evening off each a week from about 7pm and then time when we feel particularly knackered or just need it. It tends to balance out.

We both feel that each other work hard and to be honest I would say take equal responsibility for our lives in every respect. We do not have his or her jobs.

Taffeta Wed 17-Jul-13 19:55:08

We have a joint account that all our money goes into. We share it, it's irrelevant who has put more in, we both contribute to the family.

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