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Does anybody get an allowance from their DH?

(71 Posts)
LaLake Sat 23-Mar-13 21:30:27

I was at a wedding recently and got talking to another SAHM. She was telling me about a friend of hers who, on top of her allowance, got paid for all the jobs she did around the house (cooking, cleaning, etc). This was the first time I'd even heard about an allowance! I felt like a bit of a mug tbh. Needless to say my DH and I had a very interesting conversation on the way home.

Does anybody else get an allowance? What is reasonable to expect/request on a weekly basis?

LinusVanPelt Sun 24-Mar-13 00:14:04

When DH and I were both working, we each put 60% of our paychecks into a joint account each week, and all of the household stuff came out of that. The rest stayed in our individual accounts, so when we wanted to buy something frivoulous for ourselves or bought gifts for each other, there was no feeling of having to 'okay' the expense with each other.

Now DH is a SAHD, and I put about 85% of my paycheck into the joint account. I still hold back a bit for myself, and DH transfers about the same amount from the joint account to his own account each week. That becomes 'his' money to do with as he pleases - neither of us would ever think of it as an 'allowance' from me to him, though!

We both carry joint account ATM cards as well as our own, so we both have access to our money anytime - neither of us have ever questioned what the other has drawn out, or from which account, or for what purpose.

It works for us.

jaggythistle Sun 24-Mar-13 00:15:11

We always had our own accounts, but just paid some bills each, DH did the mortgage and I did utilities, TV licence, stuff like that.

We have joint savings.

Now DH is a SAHD, I shove about half my wages into his account as its less faff with him doing most of the shopping.

The allowance thing made me shock

expatinscotland Sun 24-Mar-13 00:25:06

No. My husband was a SAHD for 4 years. He did not get an allowance. The money earned went into a joint account and a set amount debited to a joint savings account. He was and is not my paid employee but my husband. I would not treat him that way or expect similar treatment.

VerySmallSqueak Sun 24-Mar-13 10:05:27

I think it's the whole concept of allowance and getting extra money for the jobs that are done that makes the little muscles in my neck twitch.

OP you should have some money to spend and not based on your performance round the house.

Whether that be by a separate account where a proportion of money is paid in,or a less formal arrangement is personal choice.

Stropzilla Sun 24-Mar-13 10:09:56

I get £20 or 30 a week when he remembers. Was meant to be 50 but he forgets. No joint acct or card he says his bank won't give him one.

Chandon Sun 24-Mar-13 10:12:07

I could never be a SAHM if I had to ask for money! Wow...

When we made the decision that I was nt going back to work, DH money became OUR money.

We have a joint account as well as an individual account and indidual saving account each.

I am a sahm for the kids' sake, I did not sign up as DH houskeeper who should be paid according to how much housework she does hmm

Chandon Sun 24-Mar-13 10:12:55

Stropzilla, change bank en, that sounds ridiculous.

AnnoyingOrange Sun 24-Mar-13 10:13:53

We have our own accounts and a joint account for household expenses.

We have always had this arrangement, through earning similar salaries, me being SAHM and now him earning more than me

I like having my own money

Stropzilla Sun 24-Mar-13 10:16:25

Oh I know but he never has time or whatever excuse he comes up with. Of course its never an excuse really hes just been busy at work or the bank wasnt open.

VerySmallSqueak Sun 24-Mar-13 10:24:08

The big problem I can see with asking for money as and when,is that if you want to do/get something that costs a bit more and possibly your dp/dh doesn't see why it is important to you,it's not so easy.
Whereas if you have your own set amount of money per week you can make a decision to save towards a bigger spend.
I just couldn't bring myself to refer to it as an allowance.
And if my dh wanted to pay me for jobs done I would suggest he outsource the work and pay someone else as I wouldn't be into that particular power trip.Grrrr.

blibblibs Sun 24-Mar-13 10:33:49

We do the same as bakforgood. I can't imagine doing it any other way.

Chandon Sun 24-Mar-13 10:37:12

Stropzilla, the problem is not his work or the bank not being open, but you know that? If he could pick up £1000 in his local bank I am sure he could find the time in his lunch break, or one of his days off! Or you might do it over the phone or via internet, it is the modern world out here.

Or Maybe ask him take a half day off for the two of you to sort out finances. He will probably say no, as he likes you being beholden to him. Is he the " keep your women barefoot and pregant" type of guy?!

BertieBotts Sun 24-Mar-13 10:41:04

You shouldn't have to ask for money like a little girl asking her father! It's so belittling.

I hope you can get it sorted out and he's just not thought about it, rather than it being something more sinister.

BertieBotts Sun 24-Mar-13 10:41:36

Out of interest how did the conversation on the way home go?

Stropzilla Sun 24-Mar-13 10:56:39

Chandon no the problem is he doesnt see a problem. If he doesn't understand the issue, whatever it is, he won't fix it til he does. If its important to me it doesn't matter until he understands why. Once he gets it hes happy to change things. As far as hes concerned its one less thing for me to worry about. He honestly doesn't see why I'd want to worry about money stuff.

Chandon Sun 24-Mar-13 11:01:38

You have to be honest then, zilla.

You do not want to "worry aboumoney stuff", you want a smidgin of financial independence, you want to be able to buy something for yourself or a friend without havng to hold up your hand and beg him for money. You do not like him having sole control of the purse strings. You want to be more equal n your relationship....? If he does not " understand that" it does not bode well, imo.

Stropzilla Sun 24-Mar-13 11:03:56

No it took me at least 6 months of asking to get him to give me his account details. He just doesn't get why asking might be a problem. So if its not an issue for him it shouldn't be for me.

PeachActiviaMinge Sun 24-Mar-13 11:13:51

Sort this out now OP you don't want to end up like my FIL who has to beg for his £30 a month allowance from MIL while she spends the rest of the money as she chooses its ruined their relationship as she is very very controlling.

BlingLoving Sun 24-Mar-13 11:14:58

I always find it reassuring how many people on mn just share all the money because in RL dh and I are the only ones I know who do this.

What seems to be common in my circles is that couples work out what their total joint costs are, then they pay into their joint account on a proportional basis (ie, if h earns twice as much as w, he pays twice as much into the joint). Whatever is left is the individual's money. But I never understand how this works. For a start, what happens when she is on ml? Or becomes a sahm? And on a daily basis it means that the one earning more gets more spending money too. It just seems crazy to me.

clam Sun 24-Mar-13 11:17:29

Yeah, "don't you worry your pretty little head about grown up things like money, love. That's for us capable men to deal with."

Seriously??? In 2013?

LaLake Sun 24-Mar-13 20:27:29

Thank you ladies. It's always good to get some different opinions. All sorted now. DH will continue to put a lump sum into our joint account, which is for the mortgage and bills etc. Then he will put some into my own account too. We aren't looking at it as an 'allowance', more like a fair and equal share of what's left. I'm happy with that. It's me that doesn't want to pool every single penny (independent streak).

Casamama - ouch.

greentrousers Tue 26-Mar-13 13:58:48

DH pays a sum into my account once a month, so I suppose it could be seen as an allowance. We have retained our separate accounts and don't want to have a joint account, for specific financial reasons. In practice though I have access to his account as I use his card to pay for items online, and DH pays all the bills from his account, so the regular payment is just for my personal use and so I have access to cash.

It doesn't bother me as it's a very generous amount - it's actually twice as much as my own total income was before we got married, so I never really spend it all and I tend to build up some savings. It is definitely not linked to things I do or don't do around the house!

dotnet Tue 26-Mar-13 15:36:51

It's OK saying the family income is ours, not his - but if I were a SAHM with a working husband, I'd love him a lot more if he split his take home pay with me fifty-fifty after his travel costs and work lunches had been allowed for.

I'd like to see that as the norm, one day. Lots of stay at home mothers understandably hate the feeling of being beholden - so their own 50% of pay in their own bank accounts, would resolve that problem.

ginmakesitallok Tue 26-Mar-13 15:56:12

We've got one joint account where everything goes into and comes out of and the money in it is ours. OK used to earn more than dp, Now I'm part time he earns significantly more than me, but we're a team and it's our money.

SignoraStronza Tue 26-Mar-13 16:06:52

DH puts money into my account each month and most of the bills bar mortgage go from it. I do Internet banking so can keep an eye on things and am fairly organised. He spends what's leftgrin in his on his motorbike, hobbies, beer , work expenses etc and is often in overdraft, the idea of which horrifies me! The only real reason we don't share finances is because I loathe his bank with a passion and he refuses to phone/internet bank (paranoid about security). Once if his overdraft is paid off we might consider getting a joint account with co-op or something.

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