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Is my husband deceiving me?

(77 Posts)
BlackMaryJanes Sat 23-Feb-13 14:36:10

I am a SAHM. He earns 52k. We have two toddlers. We live in a tiny 2-bed flat with a mouldy bathroom, sink taps that don't work, holes in the floor, a boiler that doesn't work, an oven that doesn't work. We need to get out of this hell hole.


DH has a poor credit record. The flat has no equity. We have no savings.

DH says there is no way we can leave for the foreseeable future.

I am very ignorant on financial matters. He gives me an allowance to spend each month on myself and the kids (I actually like it this way, as I am naive with money and liable to over-spend).

Anyway, is he telling the whole story? Are we stuck in this flat? My friends think this is bizarre on a wage of £52K.

Help Mumsnet mums!

Booyhoo Sat 23-Feb-13 16:59:35

sorry OP but you are going to have grow up and drop this label you are clinging onto of being 'naive' about money. that is a cop out.

you are an adult, a parent and a homeowner, at the very least you have a responsibility to yourself to know what your life is costing you and how to improve it by yourself if needs be. it is ridiculous that you have handed over the entire financial responsibility and control to your partner to deal with. you need to regain your responsibility and be in a certain amount of control over what things are costing and how teh money is being spent.

Iseeall Sat 23-Feb-13 17:09:05

Make an appt with the CAB. Take all your financial paperwork with you ,bills, mortgage, bank statements etc and explain you cannot budget for simple basic home repairs. They should easily be able to help you with a budgeting plan and see where you may be going wrong. You do sound as though you have enough monthly income that you should be able to afford household repairs.
Mumsnet has lots of easy cheap meal ideas if you don't want to depend entirely on ready meals.

HollaAtMeBaby Sat 23-Feb-13 17:17:39

Yes tribpot, the OP has posted numerous times, going back months, under at least 2 names, and has received vast amounts of good advice and support every time.

Some people do seem to keep coming back with variations of the same problem without being prepared to make any changes. It's frustrating and depressing, especially when they have small DCs, but what can you do?

nickelbabe Sat 23-Feb-13 17:18:27

no, he's definitely not telling the whole story.

your flat is worth £80k.
if it was 104% mortgage, I'll ignore that as 100% because it's not much on £80k.
if you assume your interest rate is the average interest rate at the moment, what 3%
25 years on 3% for £80k is £383 a month.

he's on £52k and comes home with £2.5k ish a month.
so, imagine your mortgage allows £400 a month, that leaves you with £2100 a month for other stuff.
an £80k flat is going to have a very small council tax rate, maybe £100 a month?
so that takes you down to £2k.
bills - well, as your boiler and damp issues you're probably paying £80-90 a month on elec and the same on gas.
water £200 a year? £35 a month

so now we're down to £1800 a month.

There's more to this, there must be - no one can possibly earn £52k a year, own a £80k flat and not be able to afford to replace a boiler.
it's just not fathomable.

he must have huge debts, or a gambling problem, or be hiding money from you.

you really do have to think about your food bill, though, i bet most of what you buy can be stopped or reduced.
and it's not hard to learn to cook - just be very careful following the recipe.

oh, and PLEASE get a carbon monoxide tester, as if he doesn't care about mould and the boiler, he's probably killing you with CO emissions.

nickelbabe Sat 23-Feb-13 17:21:18

ah, you're the one whose DP wouldn't help out with the kids in the evening when he got home from work.

happyAvocado Sat 23-Feb-13 17:23:41

on 52K (assuming he is telling the truth) he will be getting over 3K a month

kitsmummy Sat 23-Feb-13 17:32:23

Slightly pedantic but if he's paying into a pension he'll take home more like £2600 pm, even less if he has a company car for example.

their mortgage could easily be £500, food £700 (for all ready meals etc), other direct debits £500 (eg insurances, bills, council tax etc etc).

that would then leave £900 which will have to fund Op's allowance (a few hundred perhaps?), his spending money and family spending money. I'm not defending the Op's DP but as we don't actually know what figures we're talking about there very feasibly may not be loads of cash hanging around.

the Op needs to get more knowledgeable about their situation, but all I'm saying is that they are not necessarily rolling in cash on a £52k salary.

BlackMaryJanes Sat 23-Feb-13 18:15:10

If you're anal with food, surely ready meals are not a good thing to eat? They are full of crap.

But, as others have said, it is very easy to count cals when everything is stated on the box. I'm got major food issues so I'd end up weighing every tiny ingredient and calculating cals if I cooked everything from scratch. I know this is insane but my issues are deep.

I cannot cook either, but there are some foods that are so simple to do.

I'm pretty sure I couldn't cook the ready meal equivalents with fresh food and keep the cals down. I'm not going to cook hot pots from scrach every day.

Be careful with the toddlers and raising them on ready meals, won't you?

Oh I don't give them ready meals. They have a range of food - pasta, meat, potatoes, cheese, fruit. As they're obviously not calorie counting I'm not restrictive with their intake. I don't need to know the exact cal amounts of their food.

BlackMaryJanes Sat 23-Feb-13 18:18:13

Make an appt with the CAB. Take all your financial paperwork with you ,bills, mortgage, bank statements etc and explain you cannot budget for simple basic home repairs.

Are they financial advisors? I've never been to the CAB before but would be willing to.

wonkylegs Sat 23-Feb-13 18:29:31

Easy healthy recipes with calories counted for you are widely available on the net and needn't take much time for example.
each recipe has calorie breakdown at the bottom.

Iseeall Sat 23-Feb-13 18:40:19

My son works for the CAB. Yes they will help you. CAB can be very busy but once you have an appt they will help and advise. They give good impartial advice and can point you in the right direction if you can get better help elsewhere. It is a good starting point for you so please try them. Good luck

thixotropic Sat 23-Feb-13 18:48:03

Could you not cook your own ready meals. If you are going to weigh ingredients, then why not batch cook 10 meals worth and freeze?

BlackMaryJanes Sat 23-Feb-13 19:09:59

Here's a breakdown of everyday cuttables:

£15 per week in ready meals (me).
£8 per week in ready meals (DH)
£16 per week in gym classes (both of us combined).
£8 per week on beer.
£12 per week DH at the pub.
£18 per week in diet pepsi.
£30 per week in eating out.
£5 per week in jelly (for the 2 days when I fast).
£5 per week in snacks (DH).
£6 per week in snacks (me).
£15 per week in Sky (tv and broadband).
£70 per week in petrol.
£15 per week toll fee (to access a tunnel on route to work). (DH).
£50 per week (my allowance).
£20 per week storage.
£4 per week in bottled water.

So are we selfish over-spending incompetent arseholes?

HecateWhoopass Sat 23-Feb-13 19:18:29


It's not about what you spend. It's about whether it's affordable.

If you were millionaires, then that would be frugal. If you were borrowing or going into an overdraft then it would make you idiots. grin

If you are saying you can't afford to have a cooker fixed, or treat a damp problem, or fix a boiler - then you look at where the money is going and stop the non essentials! - cancel sky, forget about the snacks, cut down your allowance, switch from bottled water to tap, cancel the gym, stop eating out, etc. And you will have the money for a new cooker, have the money to ensure your bathroom isn't full of harmful spores, have the money to fix your boiler. At which point - you add the luxuries back in.

It will require saving! You can't do all that in your list above if doing it means you can't deal with basic things like ensuring your home has a working oven!

It's about priorities. Is bottled water and the gym more important than a faulty boiler and a bathroom that may be screwing up your family's lungs?

HecateWhoopass Sat 23-Feb-13 19:22:12

For example, I can see right there how you could shave about £100 a week. That's £5200 a year.

pansyflimflam Sat 23-Feb-13 19:26:46

So are we selfish over-spending incompetent arseholes?


GettingObsessive Sat 23-Feb-13 19:27:22

I don't mind what you spend your money on OP (although it does seem like some rebalancing of finances generally could go in) but £18 a week on diet Pepsi? Are you bathing in the stuff?!

specialsubject Sat 23-Feb-13 19:33:27

'fasting' on jelly, diet pepsi and bottled water.

please get help. Your children cannot be brought up with this kind of example.

StuffezLaBouche Sat 23-Feb-13 19:46:26

How the fuck does anyone spend £18 per week on diet pepsi?
Sorry for sounding harsh but if you can't be bothered.getting off your backside and educating yourself about financial issues that directly affect you and your kids, you bloody deserve to be shafted.
Yup, That's not a.nice.thing to say but how do you imagine the rest of the world.copes?!

nextphase Sat 23-Feb-13 19:55:11

Thats not the full list of what is spent tho.
And the full list is needed to identify if your DH is hiding something.
So, what do the following cost:
Gas and electric
Sky / broadband other TV
Any other subscriptions

It does look like there are lots of things which can be cut from the list above

notapizzaeater Sat 23-Feb-13 19:56:11

Buy a slow cooker and cook some of your meals from scratch - this would save you loads and you don't really need to be able to cook ! Sop drinking diet Pepsi, swop to squash or water. Buy. Brita filter jug thingy and drink the water (although nothing wrong with tap water we drink gallons and are still alive !!!). Use the money saved and pay for some repairs. Make jelly from packs.

Snazzynewyear Sat 23-Feb-13 19:58:53

I was also shock at the £18 on diet pepsi. Where are you buying it from? Soft drinks are usually on offer at supermarkets but even at garage type prices that's got to be you drinking more than 2 litres a day.

I second the advice to go to CAB. Also you need full access to your family bank account, not just your husband sending one statement over.

HecateWhoopass Sat 23-Feb-13 20:01:19

and insurance, nextphase. car insurance, home insurance, life insurance, etc. tv licence, council tax...

I wonder if the OP listed only those things she herself considers non essential?

nextphase Sat 23-Feb-13 20:07:48

Yep, Thanks Hecate. I knew I'd forget lots.
But I guess, OP I was just saying without knowing where all the money goes, you can't judge is there is some "missing" or if it is all accounted for, and is just a case of cutting back.

difficultpickle Sat 23-Feb-13 20:08:43

Why are you paying £20 a week on storage? The only essentials on your list are probably petrol and the toll.

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