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this is insane

(81 Posts)
ladyjadey Tue 27-Nov-12 20:09:49

I am a single mum of two. I work 30 hours a week. I have been with my bf for over 2 years and we want to live together. He also has 2 kids who don't live with him. If we live together it seems I will lose all my tax credits because of his wage. He is far from wealthy because he pays a large maintenance payment every month, 600 pounds. Idepend on childcare to go to work which costs between 500 and 800 plus a month, dependingon school hols etc. There is no way I can pay this, a mortgage, bills and everything else on my own without my tax credits. He cannot afford to either.So I am better off as a single mother until my children grow up? Surely that can't be right!

ladyjadey Thu 29-Nov-12 13:23:54

We looked into the extension and had an architect involved, It won't be possible without significant structural work to the rest of the house making it not viable. The house is not big enough for the 4. On the rare occasions we stay all together the eldest two share a bed and youngest sleeps in a travel cot. That is not sustainable for any length of time.

ChippingInLovesAutumn Thu 29-Nov-12 13:33:48


I'm sorry, I should probably stop posting now, it just feels to me that if you loved each other enough you would make it work. It is two nights a week, for a couple of years. The kids are all small, they could share if it was important to you both to live together. IMO.

thisisthewayitis Thu 29-Nov-12 16:34:50

IsItMeOr has a good point, the language you use to frame your relationship is very worrying. It sounds as though, in your desperation not to appear to be a gold-digger (what a terribly misogynistic term!), you are putting your DP on a pedestal and you're tip-toeing around his needs, quite possibly to the detriment of your own and your Dd's needs. I would think about posting in the relationships section of the boards as that seems to be the major issue here, rather than the money side.

Your DDs will benefit from being in a family structure and having a male role model. Your DP will benefit from your role in the home, your companionship and support, as well as the wage you bring in. Your DSSs will benefit from your role as a stepmother (I am sure you will take on a lot of the caring role when they come to stay). There is much more to balancing needs within a family besides the financial costs.

Families make this sort of move all the time regardless of the financial costs - because ultimately what they care about most is being together. Even traditional families (I mean not step-families but where all children are living with both biological parents) have to accept that there will be less space and fewer resources when more children arrive; this rarely results in resentment of younger siblings and shouldn't cause resentment just because they are step-siblings in this situation.

WildWorld2004 Fri 30-Nov-12 22:19:58

But if his ex gets a job like she should & he cuts his maintenance his kids wouldnt be missing out financially because their mother would be providing for them. And if it is true about her spending the money on designer stuff for herself & not dc then his kids arent benefitting from the maintenance money.

You need to sit down with your dp and have a serious discussion before doing anything.

WildWorld2004 Fri 30-Nov-12 22:28:30

How can you not fit 6 people into a 3 bed house? Especially when 2 of them are only there a few days of the week. I shared a bedroom with 3 of my siblings & we didnt suffer.

RedHelenB Sat 01-Dec-12 08:54:40

Why should his ex get a job as well as look after the children just because he has taken on a new woman & kids that aren't even his? His ex hasn't had a say in it has she?

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