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Struggling with "Suddenly having money"

(22 Posts)
MycroftHolmes Sun 23-Sep-12 09:31:46

I just found out I 'should' have been getting a fair amount of money for nearly ten years.

I am getting it as several lump sums & there is talk of interest and compensation

I had the first amount (enough to buy a 2nd hand car) and I'm expecting a lot more.

I have several issues (which sounds SO pathetic, I can't even believe myself)
1) That I lived through that time without money I could have had for my family and we did without. We did without a lot but our 'public face' never showed that.
2) I have lots of debt that I didn't need to have had (so interest payment balance transfer fees etc)
3) That the people around me, have generally been in the same financial position as me and so are a little hmm about my sudden influx of cash (tbh I would be myself if it was a friend)

So I'm dealing with a lot of resentment (my own, other peoples), guilt (me), jealousy (them) and general angst (how do we as a family deal with it all - esp as the legal process is unlikely to be short - some more money before Christmas and then a bit of a fight for the rest)

It has changed my life and I don't know how to process it all

Longtalljosie Sun 23-Sep-12 09:41:35

I would start by clearing your debt. The second hand car will come with its own bills - so even if you used your first tranche of money to buy it - you might find yourself in trouble if you underestimate how much cars suck up cash.

If anything's left over after your debts are cleared, I'd put it into a bank account and buy yourself some breathing space. You don't have to do anything at the moment.

It's a bit of a risky time tbh. I remember when I got a sudden promotion - and a £6k pay rise - it was the only time I've ever lost control of my money. I thought I was rich - it turned out I wasn't and would have been better off taking time to see what this new income really felt like.

It's not pathetic to feel angry you've been having to go without for no reason. But hopefully the compensation will help with that.

SavoyCabbage Sun 23-Sep-12 09:45:46

Like Josie says, pay off your debts and then relax and take some time. You don't have to tell anybody else how much money you have or haven't got.

CogitoErgoSometimes Sun 23-Sep-12 09:47:41

Some things you may want to consider..,

1. By living without the money and 'going without' you've gained a natural thriftiness that you won't lose, no matter how much money you have in the future. You appreciate the worth of money.
2. Compensation is the act of returning something to you that belonged to your in the first place. It's not 'good fortune', 'luck' or a 'windfall' it's something being paid back that is owed to you. The debts will be wiped out by the compensation and, if you've not been living extravagantly, they were not taken on lightly in the first place. Nothing, in short, to feel guilty about.
3. Your bank balance is never anyone else's business but yours, no matter how much or how little is in it. Debts, legal battles, your possessions are all private things. Don't ever talk about this aspect of your life with anyone unless you know them very well and trust them implicitly. If someone wants to be jealous or resentful just because you buy a car or receive some money they are very small-minded and insecure.

For the legal process, do you have a good solicitor? They cost money but, if you're not familiar with how the law works, a few £s spent wisely can save you a lot of time, effort and headaches.

And finally, if you have a substantial sum of money left after making some purchases and clearing your debts, consider talking to an Independent Financial Advisor about how best to save it for the future. Good luck

JaquelineHyde Sun 23-Sep-12 09:55:47

Relax and breath smile

As the others have said pay off your debts and stick the rest in the bank until you know exactly what is happening with the rest of it.

As far as friends are concerned the ones who really matter wont care whether you are suddenly a million pound richer or a million pound in debt.

The anger and resentment you have in side is more complicated and will take time to cope with but maybe the legal process will help with that.

QuintessentialShadows Sun 23-Sep-12 09:59:51

You have had some good advice already.

I second paying off debts first, and not tell others exactly how much. You can be evasive and say "oh there was not really that much left after we paid off debt", nobody has the right to know how much money you have. They have a cheek to ask.

Resist temptation to go on a spending spree! Your life so far has taught you to be frugal, but you have not learnt how to not spend when you appear to have a lot of money. So whatever you have left, I agree to leave it for a while.

MycroftHolmes Sun 23-Sep-12 10:15:46

No buying a car was never on the cards; we have 2 nice reliable quite old cars we love; it was more to give a scale of my luck/windfall/entitement?

I do feel resentful and angry, despite the fact that getting it as a lump sum will be better for us now; we are approaching expenses that would have meant re-mortgaging our house & we can now 'deal' with them

I'm afraid 'spending spree' happened yesterday - new clothes all round (jumper for DH, couple of tops for the children, new shoes (mine were about 7 years old) and a couple of tops for me plus some replacement stuff for the house. All in the sale (half price or less; frugal? me?) I suppose I spent maybe 5% of my total.

& I am thinking about a holiday.......

Paying off debt - the monthly income will help with that, as will the second lump sum. But as it's all 0% interest there is really no hurry, I might save up & pay off lump sums - I'll play with a spreadsheet today

I am emotionally tired; it's so 'big'

QuintessentialShadows Sun 23-Sep-12 10:32:48

Make a spreadsheet. The 0% interest is fine until the interest is applied, usually they dont tell you when it happens, but expect you to remember the month...

Well, clothes is fine.

But did you need a third car?

MycroftHolmes Sun 23-Sep-12 11:34:07

No, no new car; as I said it was an idea of scale

I have a spreadsheet for when the 0% runs out grin

I did the snowball thing & that has helped which to pay off first

If I do that the first lump sum will be all gone, which means I won't 'spend' any more as I am so keen on being debt free

Then I have to decide between saving the income or using that to pay off more debt

Longtalljosie Sun 23-Sep-12 12:59:35

0% deal or not - you'll never "gain" as much from savings (esp at the moment) as you will from getting rid of the debt. I know it's boring but it really is the thing to do...

MycroftHolmes Sun 23-Sep-12 14:32:53

I guess

I never really had 'money in the bank' before & it looks pretty there

But pretty money vs no debt

jkklpu Sun 23-Sep-12 14:37:17

Pay off the debt and cut up all but one credit card, to keep for emergencies.

CogitoErgoSometimes Sun 23-Sep-12 16:26:56

Sorry to contradict the PP but, if your debt is being charged at 0%, leave the money in the bank until the month before the 0% expires. Then use it to pay off the debt. Even 2% interest on savings beats a 0% loan.

Chichilala Sun 23-Sep-12 16:39:59

I am in a similar position op, although due to an inheritance. I can really identify with your feelings. I feel guilty too, because I am so happy and relieved I have the money to pay off debts but that I shouldn't be happy because I only have this because someone died. My Dad keeps telling me off because he said they wanted me to have it or I wouldn't have been in their will. I am trying but I keep catching myself being so overwhelmed and excited and then feeling so very guilty. I guess I will work it out in my head in the end.

I too have no idea how to process the whole thing. I have now paid off all debts (not mortgage but don't count that) and one lats thing which is 0% until April, currently paying off minimum per month and will pay once 0% finishes, but it just feels so weird.

It has also meant I can give up one of my 2 jobs and I won't have to run around like a blue arsed fly every day just to scrape by, I think that makes it more overwhelming.

I know I can't nip out and buy a porshe but it means we can breathe again, finally.

And I know what you mean about it looking pretty in the bank grin i need to move the money but I like seeing it where it is grin and that's before I even have the other lump sum which will come around the end of the year, which was twice as much as the first lot <<gulp>>

complete madness isn't it

MycroftHolmes Sun 23-Sep-12 18:17:16

Cogito, if you have had debt for a long time clearing it is better than 2% interest

But I'm paying off my few interest bearing ones first

MycroftHolmes Sun 23-Sep-12 18:46:36

Chichilala - that must be 'very big'' I mean mine is an idiot in an office got something wrong - yours is someone died!!

Which job will you shed?

Debt free - I'm a long way off that maybe by Christmas?

CogitoErgoSometimes Sun 23-Sep-12 19:06:57

"Cogito, if you have had debt for a long time clearing it is better than 2% interest"

It may give you a warm glow but it makes no sense financially. smile

Chichilala Sun 23-Sep-12 20:52:55

It' must be very frustrating that you should've had yours all along.

It's weird to be debt free, esp as I kinda wanted to do it myself, but never quite got there. This time last year I upped my hours at job one in a bid to get clear but the payrise always seemed to go on essential things. It's such a horrible position to be in. Ours wasn't through buying ipads and expensive stuff, just through buying a house with more work that needed doing and life expenses.

I have been working 25 hours in job one (school hour job each day) and job 2 was an admin job done in 'spare' time at home which was much much more hassle than the pay I got for it so it's the admin job that has gone. It is a very weird feeling, I did it for 2 years and not only has it gone a whole load of house mess has gone too as there was a lot of paperwork that went with it!

You'll be debt free before you know it smile

Longtalljosie Sun 23-Sep-12 20:59:07

Cogito - logically you're right of course. But given how tempted the OP is to hold on to the money (as I would be, I suspect) and given the temptations which could be succumbed to (new clothes, replacement household goods) I still think it's likely to be more successful in terms of eventual outcome for the debt to be dealt with quickly and decisively.

MycroftHolmes Sun 23-Sep-12 22:19:22

Longtalljosie that is so true. If it's not there & the CC doesn't exist anymore I can't 'fritter' it & the 'glow' is nice

Chichilala there must be a sense of freedom for you. Ours hasn't been iPads either (although post debt free I might be tempted.......just now new tops & a kettle will do) but a disabled partner does affect your spending patterns.

MycroftHolmes Mon 24-Sep-12 10:36:16

I'm feeling a bit calmer today

I have paid some debt off, bought some treats and booked a holiday

Still a lot of guilt, but I guess that will take time

MycroftHolmes Wed 26-Sep-12 20:46:43

How are you doing Chichilala? Have you had longer to come to terms with it?

I keep buying silly treats, a pair of tights, a nice bar of choc, a special tea

It's so silly

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