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My husband keeps lying to me about money... Very distressed and pregnant...

(31 Posts)
helsybells Mon 23-Apr-12 12:03:02

This is my first post on here, so I hope I get it right.

My husband and I have been married for nearly 3 years and have been together for 8 year and we are expecting our first baby at the end of September.

We are extremely happy and he is my absolute rock, he has looked after me so well when I have been poorly with morning sickness etc lately doing everything for me and he is a genuine gentle giant, a lovely and kind person who is generally extremely well liked by everyone, level-headed and easy going.

BUT he keeps lying to me about money.

It transpired a couple of years ago that he had a significant amount of debt on a credit card and bank overdraft. I was very distressed to find this out and he was very vague about it, giving me different stories and sums etc on different occasions.

Eventually my mum realised I was upset about something and got it out of me. She and my father then helped us financially to pay of the debt to the tune of about £5000. This left about £1000 on his overdraft.

All pay etc comes into my bank account as I manage the household finances etc so I had been paying off the overdraft on his account for some time and I would ask him for frequent updates on how much was left until he told me (upon me checking with him) that there was about £200 overdraft left for which he is not charged by the bank. It has been a struggle as times are tough and we don't earn much at all. About this point we found out we were expecting a baby and I have been saving the money since then to help us to have some financial back-up when baby comes along. It's been so nice seeing a little bit of security growing in our savings account along with the bump!

Yesterday his grandparents gave us a cheque (I think because of the news they recently recieved about becoming great grandparents thought they didn't say so as it's still early days) which I was really excited about as I thought we could put it in the savings account but it was made out to my husband so it would need to go in his bank account first. So we agreed we would use some of it to clear the remaining £200 overdraft and transfer the rest to our savings.

He was a little bit cagey/vague about the exact remaining overdraft amount and I was a little bit suspicious as to why this was but gave him the benefit of hte doubt and didn't think much more about it.

This morning a letter arrived on the doormat, like the usual ones he tells me are just "advertising" letters he gets from the bank and just throws away. I did a terrible thing and opened it.

It probably serves me right but it states that he has gone over his agreed overdraft by £3 and so will be charged. The overdraft limit is £4000.

I just don't know what to do or say. I am so disappointed. I trust him and love him very much and I don't want our baby to be born with a millstone of debt around his or her neck. I was hoping that the savings I was building up would help us to afford a home of our own in the next year or so but now it seems we are back to square one.

I simply don't know what would happen if my parents found out after they helped us. They haven't trusted him since and have asked on a lot of occasions if I am sure he has told us everything and I always fight his corner and get a bit grumpy with them for not trusting us to manage our finances etc.

I don't think this is new debt as he never buys anything new, it all comes from our bank account which I manage. So he has been lying to me about the scale of it all along. I have asked him in the past to tell me the full scale of the problem, that I won't be cross no matter how big it is, but that to clear it we have to know the scale of it and deal with it but he has clearly lied about the amounts.

I can't imagine my world without him he truly is my soul mate but I just can't understand how he can lie to me over and over again. What if there are other things he is lying about? It just errodes all trust I have in our relationship.

If he just keeps lying to me how can I help him???

Thanks for reading if you got this far and apologies for such a long post especially as my first one. I just don't know what to do and how to approach this.

CogitoErgoSometimes Mon 23-Apr-12 15:52:45

If you've got full access to all the accounts now and you can see what's going on in detail then that's a good start. I hope for your sake that he's sincere in wanting to change. Don't be lulled into a false sense of security, however. Stay wary. People determined to keep spending can find plenty of ways to do it even if their money supply is cut off. Running a regular credit check may be a useful way to see if there's anything he's not owning up to. Pity you have to check up but can't see any other way.

luisdonald Wed 26-Jun-13 03:36:11

Message deleted by Mumsnet for breaking our Talk Guidelines. Replies may also be deleted.

TheRealFellatio Wed 26-Jun-13 03:51:11

that's nice for you dear. confused

78bunion Wed 26-Jun-13 16:03:40

Yes, run a credit check with Equifax to see what debts he has.
Lots of couples see their bank statements and do not hide things. There is nothing wrong with being totally open with each other, seeing tax returns of each other etc. As he has deceived you so badly he should really be taking on extra work to pay you back all you had tried to help him with by paying off or trying to - his debts.

Beehatch Wed 26-Jun-13 16:10:27

ZOMBIE THREAD warning!!!

TheRealFellatio Wed 26-Jun-13 18:08:59

WTF is ging on with the zombie threads lately? confused

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