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School Fees Paid by Grandparents??? Any advantage to them if I pluck up the courage??

(16 Posts)
Notsurehow Sat 15-Oct-11 23:42:58

Bit of background,brief to prevent you from fallin asleep!
I went to state primary and secondary schools and no uni.
My sister (now dead) and 2 half sister went to both private then public schools then university-all obviously funded by my Father.

I am now a single working Mother to his only Grandchild and I really struggle to pay her school fees.My ex p and I chose to send her to private school but the relationship ended 2yrs ago and I now have no support (long story so please don't advise on exp responsibilities...it's shit)

My Father is in many people's view "extremely wealthy" and he does have three VERY expensive properties to run yet has never offered to contribute to DDs education,despite knowing I struggle.He also sent my half sisters to the best schools possible because of the" benefits they would reap for the future."

There is a family rift which involves too much to go into on here but I feel I want to do the best for my DD,regardless of my pride
.I left home at 18 and have not asked for anything since,yet compared to the others,I am significantly disadvantaged.

God..I will now stop with the history as there is way more but the crux of the matter is....

"Is there any financial advantage/benefit for a Grandparent who choses to pay school fees for their Grandchild?"

Blueberties Sat 15-Oct-11 23:53:06

You mean, are school fees tax deductible kind of thing?

If only they flaming well were. Don't know about anything else though.

You sound patient despite some level of injustice.

Notsurehow Sat 15-Oct-11 23:58:41

Well I so know they are not tax-deductable but if I am to swallow my pride (and boy will that take some doing) and ask/suggest he pays DDs school fees,I just would like to prove (assuming I can) that there is either some advantage to him or it would deprive the taxman in some way.....Money is all he will consider in this - not the chance to perhap "veven things out" or attempt to redress the very significant imbalance between his 4 children....

belledechocchipcookie Sun 16-Oct-11 00:00:55

I'd tell him how good it will make him look, supporting his only grandchild. Feed his ego. Sounds like it's going to be incredibly hard for you though. sad

Notsurehow Sun 16-Oct-11 00:39:15

Belle...if only that mattered to him sad sadly it doesn't.Having lost one of his children to suicide (and found her in his own home due to circumstances relating to him and his wife ) he has now cut myself and DD pretty much out of his life-well totally out of his life tbh.They may hate me for whatever reason ( I know and speak the truth) but DD has only ever loved her Pops and Grandma unconditionally,misses them terribly and I have NEVER (despite extreme temptation/provocation) done anything to contradict this.
I just want for my daughter what my Father gave his other 3 children and not me....but emotion won't sway it....finances are all that will...(oh and her being skinny,intelligent,conformist and adoring of him).The latter she is...unconditionally......the former however she is not and doesn't meet his standards....sad

CogitoErgoSometimes Sun 16-Oct-11 11:22:11

Maybe leave him a copy of 'A Christmas Carol' under the tree this year? smile The only financial advantage of gifting money or school fees really is that, when he dies (assuming the qualifying period applies), it won't attract death duties.

Personally, I don't like being beholden to anyone - certainly not someone that didn't like me. Money is power and rarely given without strings attached. In your situation I'd probably forego the private schooling, select a good state school and maintain my family's independence and integrity.

belledechocchipcookie Sun 16-Oct-11 11:37:16

There's no financial advantage for him to pay school fees. There's no tax allowance for them, this was removed years ago. I wouldn't want this man to have a hold on me like this. He doesn't sound as though he's going to win any awards for his parenting skills and, to be honest, it sounds as though the whole situation is eating you up. Have you thought of counselling? Parents can really screw a child up (even if that child's an adult).

HappyMummyOfOne Sun 16-Oct-11 13:33:50

I agree with Cogito, if you cant afford the fees yourself then pull her out and choose a good state school. It will only get more expensive in the secondary years and the sooner you move her the easier it will be for her to settle elsewhere.

Given your post, its hughly unlikely he will want to pay the fees and he has no obligation to. Show your daughter she can be what she wants to be in life without being beholden to somebody else.

crystalglasses Sun 16-Oct-11 13:42:42

There's no harm in approaching him about it and if you don't and have to pull your child out of her school you will always wonder 'what if'. I would write to him saying that you are finding it extremely difficult to meet the school fees, that there is no chance of your exh contributing and that if he could find it in his heart to help out, you would be eternally grateful but would still think well of him if he decided against it. Enclose a nice photo of your dd, with a short note from her and leave it at that.

scarevola Sun 16-Oct-11 13:49:47

There's no advantage for him whatsoever.

And I don't think you have much of a "fairness" case, because of the straddling of generations. It is not reasonable to assume that someone will fund their grandchildren to the same level as their children.

Your only chance is by asking him nicely to make a contribution simply from the kindness of his heart.

pinkytheshrinky Sun 16-Oct-11 13:58:57

I would not ask if I were you. I have a similar situation with my Dad and I would never ask. If he cannot do it out of kindness then you are on a loser with this one and asking him for money will push a bigger wedge between you both.

Notsurehow Sun 16-Oct-11 20:37:37

Thank you all for your replies and the general concensus of "don't ask". This is why I have never asked for anything from him in the last25yrs,since I left home.
I have always been fiercely independent and hate being beholden (hopefully never have) to anyone.

At the moment,I can just about afford the school fees but it is going forward that concerns me.The major reason being that to get DD into what I consider a "decent" (ie Ofsted "good") school would be to move house which of course adds additional financial implications together with the upheaval.

Well,have decided to stay true to myself.my principles and my past. I woll not be asking him for anything.DD and I have done ok so far without him/his help (and mimimal from xp) so we will continue to do so.

Thank you all for helping see through the muddy waters.

mumblechum1 Sun 16-Oct-11 20:42:48

I wouldn't ask.

As others say, you'd be beholden to him. If she's reasonably intelligent and you give her plenty of support,she'll be absolutely fine in a state school.

levantine Sun 16-Oct-11 20:45:58

Horrible situation for you. I think you are doing the right thing in not asking, it sounds as if you need to distance yourself further, not move to get more involved with them

CogitoErgoSometimes Mon 17-Oct-11 07:12:48

Even if you can't afford to move house for a high-rated state school you could get a lot of top-up private tuition for a fraction of the cost that a private school costs you now.

Notsurehow Mon 17-Oct-11 17:25:15

That's a really interesting point CES - never thought about that.

And Levantine,you are so sright and with only having a fraction of the facts.....

Thank you

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