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How do I keep my hard earned new salary for me and mine! (step families)

(44 Posts)
lostlilly Sat 08-Oct-11 16:49:08

( sorry its a bit long)I am a mother of one and have been married for several years, my husband has a son from a previous relationship who is now 12. My husband and I have always worked and my husband paid a large lump sum of maintenance when he sold his own house several years ago. I found it hard to get a decent permenant job after having my child and I ended up going to back to university to further my career. I have always been well educated and brought in the main salary when I have worked, now that I have finished my second degree I have started a new post with a great salary which has doubled our income! However we have struggled and got into lots of debt over the last three years while I have been studying and we have not had a holiday for five years. My Mother in law has already made comments about my income, fishing to know what it is, and I know she will tell my husbands ex straight away so I have not even told my husband!
His ex has NEVER worked, she has sat on benefits for almost 13 years and has a two year old housing association house. I REALLY resent my very hard earned money going to benefit her and her son when she has in my view, done nothing to help herself at all. Its making me really cross and secretive, has anyone else been in this situation or got any advice

truthisinthewine Sat 08-Oct-11 16:51:12

Maintenance is based on your husbands earnings and not yours or your households as a whole so why will hour new wage make any difference?

HerRoyalNotness Sat 08-Oct-11 16:54:12

What you earn is no one else's business. Even if they did know, what you earn is bog all to do with his ex. Whatever he pays inmaintenanCe is based on his income alone. Before he or someone else thinks he can give more because you now earn well, he has two children to provide for not just His NRC.

lostlilly Sat 08-Oct-11 16:55:26

no its based on the household income they said? before we had a child of our own the maintenance was very high and when I had our child and went to a part time job it dropped dramatically so I am assuming that now
it will shoot up

lostlilly Sat 08-Oct-11 16:56:50


HerRoyalNotness Sat 08-Oct-11 16:58:27

Non resident child. I think on the old system it was based on household but no longer. It is based on your DHs income only, call the CSA or cab for advice

incognitofornow Sat 08-Oct-11 16:59:06

Message withdrawn

truthisinthewine Sat 08-Oct-11 16:59:45

Who said? Whoever it was is wrong. Go on the CSA website calculator. It is based only on your husbands wages, how many children he is supporting and how often he has his son overnight. Your income is not taken into account at all.

CogitoErgoSometimes Sat 08-Oct-11 17:00:09

I think, if I were you, I would stop wasting time being resentful about some woman living in a rented house on benefits. Both you and your husband are responsible for your stepson's upkeep and, by association, that means a fair deal for his mother. Hiding your improved household income from your husband just because you don't like her does you no credit. Neither does referring to your stepson as 'her son'.

lostlilly Sat 08-Oct-11 17:01:40

Im frightened to, we pay them money each month and he also spents almost £100 a month on his contact visits because his child is along way from us and he sees him one weekend every month and has to drive almost 340 miles and always has a list of 'things he needs'

I am not being unreasonable am I, I just want us to benefit from a holiday and some money in the bank before we start handing a chunk over each month

lostlilly Sat 08-Oct-11 17:06:40

I have several friends who are single parents and have made a life for themselves and not relied on their ex's or tye state to fund them for a decade of free living, sorry if that sound harsh but its how I feel. My own mother was a sgiingle parent in the 70's with 2 of us and she had a good job and a her own home and set an example to us all that you make choices in life.

Its IS 'her son' I have no contact with him and he is not mine. My husband has paid, aswell as monthly maintenance, a lump sum of almost £20,000 for the sake of his son of which she has not a penny left and never even set up a bank account for him with £50 in it

HerRoyalNotness Sat 08-Oct-11 17:07:11

You are not responsible for the costs of your stepson your DH and his ex are. Keep repeating this to anyone who tells you otherwise.

lostlilly Sat 08-Oct-11 17:10:39


incognitofornow Sat 08-Oct-11 17:28:10

Message withdrawn

incognitofornow Sat 08-Oct-11 17:29:15

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LovingChristmas Sun 09-Oct-11 08:45:40

Agree with all the others that say your wages are not considered, it's your husbands, and Cognito, what a ridiculous comment, what about the fair deal for the OP who has worked to make her life, why should she pay the ex anything, it's her hubbys issue to resolve!

heronsfly Sun 09-Oct-11 08:52:09

I agree with royalnot, you can not be held responsable for another couples child,well done on all your hard work,its really not easy with a family grin

Gonzo33 Sun 09-Oct-11 13:59:46

If you live in the UK your salary is not taken into consideration for maintenance payments. Therefore stop worrying.

Only the father and the mother that the child lives with is.

Planetofthegrapes Mon 10-Oct-11 03:01:28

You worked and studied hard and now are reaping the rewards - well done.

I would keep quiet about your family's improved financial situation - quietly pay off any debts incurred and put some money aside for a rainy days/holiday.

It sounds like your DH has been doing his bit to support his son.

I've come across people who get windfalls and piss them up against the wall, but then expect others to 'share' any hard earned extra money.

Her benefits are being payed for by tax payers like you, so you are already doing your bit to support her! Sounds like she has a 'fair deal' already.

AmberLeaf Mon 10-Oct-11 03:51:45

Just for being so mean, bitchy and judgy I hope you get shafted.

You wont though.

Fancy being jealous of a single mum on benefits, whos childs father only sees him once a month! hmm yeah I bet its been really easy for her to carve out a career under those circumstances.

You are lucky that you have your DH and he has supported you while you did your 2nd degree.

incognitofornow Mon 10-Oct-11 10:20:58

Message withdrawn

AmberLeaf Mon 10-Oct-11 17:02:12

Yes I did, as has the OP about the childs mums lifestyle 'choices'


incognitofornow Mon 10-Oct-11 17:39:58

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belledechocchipcookie Mon 10-Oct-11 17:45:35

Goodness, I wouldn't expect my ex's wife to pay towards our son's upkeep. Ds isn't her son. Look at the CSA rules, his payments would have been reduced when your child was born because he now has 2 children maybe? You don't have to tell anyone how much you earn and you don't have to explain this to anyone.

AmberLeaf Mon 10-Oct-11 17:59:17

incognito She stated a lot of her own views and opinions judgy ones about the EXes situation.

We dont actually know any facts about the exes situation because she isnt here. There are lots of things we dont know from the OP about the situation as a whole, like why contact is only once a month, why there is so much geographical distance between the OPs DH and his DS etc etc so bit hard to say really without assuming.

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