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(8 Posts)
maddyph Sun 01-Nov-09 17:51:22

I am not sure how to start this, but I am desperately hoping to find someone who has been through a similar event -- or even can recommend websites that could help me.

My husband has decided that he wants to divorce me -- basic incompatibility issues that he has had to dress up a unreasonable behaviour to get his petition through the courts. I contest his "particulars of behaviour" which are completely fabricated but my real issue if this: he has sumitted an arrangements for the children form which states that he will move to Berkshire with the children (we live in London) and I can see them for two weekends a month. He is trying to use the fact that I work full-time against me as he has very recently been made redundant and is using this to claim (fallaciously) that he is the primary carer.

This is clearly going to Court -- we have tried mediation but he would never concede or even discuss my issues. We always talked of shared residence -- in fact it was his idea. He told me that he has taken this step because I wouldn't agree to 50/50. I do believe in shared residence -- children need both parents -- but I think my twins at 3 are too young for such an unsettling life and my proposal was 70/30 in my favour, at least until they were settled in primary school.

I feel sure that the court must reject his bid to marginalise me but I do feel scared. Especially because the process is so slow and will go on for months. I am also very concerned about the impact this conflict will have on my children.

At the moment my husband won't move out and I have no legal cause to make him. He is consantly working to erode my confidence and I think he is bullying me, but subtley so, again, no legal recourse.

If anyone has been through anything similar and come out the other end, I would be so pleased to hear from you.


looneymum Sun 01-Nov-09 18:42:59

Hi Maddy. I am sorry I have no pearls of wisdom. What a horrible situation and so worrying for you. My ex is emmigrating to Austalia and is demanding our DC aged 7 and 5 visit him in Australia for six weeks next summer. I do not believe he has any rights and it is my understand that the mother is always given ultimate residency. Have been reading the whole Kerry Katona thing which I know isn't similar at all but it would seem it takes some doing to remove our children from us. Sorry, no legal advice and hope I don't have to do to court to fight to not let my children holiday in Aus. Best of luck. Keep strong. x

looneymum Sun 01-Nov-09 18:44:03

PS.. sorry about it bedtime yet?

CarGirl Sun 01-Nov-09 18:45:53

Hmmmm you need a good solicitor I think.

Is he doing all the childcare whilst you work at the moment?

CarGirl Sun 01-Nov-09 18:48:13

actually families need fathers may be a great website, they are unbiased and nothing to do with fathers for justice. They have lots and lots of experience and people who will help you through the legal system as far as I understand it. I think you need to join to access lots of the info.

maddyph Sun 01-Nov-09 22:39:37

No, we have a day nanny. He comes and goes, rarely giving anyone any warning.

I've been to the FNF website and it was useful. Guidance for LIPs did, however, make me feel very stressed, simply because court sounds intimidating

I have a sollicitor and she's good, but she has a definite preference to mediation over court -- can't agree more, but with one party being this aggressive, you have no choice

NanaNina Sun 01-Nov-09 23:27:41

Maddy - I know you already have a lawyer but trying googling "Resolution family law" and there is a lot of info on the site. There are also details of collabarative lawyers (each side has their own lawyer) but the lawyers work together with both parents to reach resolution.

I am an independent social worker and sometimes get involved with private law cases after CAFCASS have been involved. I know you say this matter is going to end up in court but I would urge you to do all you can to reach agreement with your H and NOT go to court. There are many posters on here who are expressing great disatisfaction with CAFCASS and feel that they are not being fairly treated in the court process. I know myself that CAFCASS are horrendously overworked at present and this too is a problem.

However if this does end up in court please make sure that you demonstrate to the CAFCASS worker that you have your child's best interests at heart and don't resort to bitter complaints about your H (although you don't sound like this sort of person at all) . I just mention this because many couples in your situation just end up slagging each other off and judges get very irked by this behaviour. The more you can rise about that and show that you only have the children's best interests uppermost in your mind, the better it will be.

There is an organisation that people on here have posted about that supports women in these situations but just can't remember what it is (too late tonight and brain is tired) but will look it up and post again.

There is also a barrister who posts excellent info - goes by the name of "babybarrister" - you could put a call out to her.

NanaNina Sun 01-Nov-09 23:36:19

Me again - the correct website is Also there is a book called "Childcare Contact Handbook" an essential guide for women on the law and child contact. It costs £6.00 and can be ordered on 020 7251 6575/6. I don't know the style in which it is written but it might be worth a read.

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