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Telephone contact with my DS when he's away with Dad, please help, sad and tired :(

(12 Posts)
Madascheese Thu 24-Sep-09 18:49:19

Posted here as well on advice from the lovely relationships board people. I know there is nothing legal I can do but wondered if anyone has any words of wisdom please.

Hello, I’ve just found you today, I wish I’d known about you all a long time ago, I think you all would have been a huge help over the last years for me.

Long post sorry for that but a bit complicated..

I’m hoping some of you who maybe have been in a similar situation might be able to help me.

My exh and I have a long and nasty court case going on for residence of our DS aged 3.

Essentially before I left him ex conducted a long and destructive campaign of emotional abuse against me and one of his powerful threats was that if I didn’t do what he said about xyz he would take our DS, disappear and I would never see DS again. Needless to say it was an pretty effective threat – ex is from a wealthy well connected family with family all over the middle east and could feasibly disappear.

Ok so there is a whole bunch of history over the last 21/2 years but DS is now going abroad (by court order with me having sole residency so abduction risks are minimised as far as the courts can)

Tomorrow he goes for the third visit for a 10 day period (they have been seeing each other every other week over here in the last 2 ½ years)
DS has been begging me not to make him go ‘because Daddy shouts’ but I’m bound by the court order. DS has only just settled down since the last visit 3 weeks ago.

Ex has said I am ‘not allowed’ to make any phone calls to DS (who has asked me if I will call him every day) but will allow DS to make a phone call if he wants to (knowing my ex I DO take this to mean DS has to pick up the phone and dial the number) Ex denies that DS shows any inclination to want to talk to me while away but DS tells a different story.
(Mind you, ex told CAFCASS that it's apparently 'obvious' DS doesn’t love me.)

Now I know none of you know me from Adam, but I’m basically a pretty good Mum and I love my DS to bits – he’s pretty fond of me.

Any suggestions of how I can deal with a passive aggressive BPD ex-husband and resolve this so I can make a 2 minute phone call to me DS to reassure him that Mummy hasn’t disappeared forever?

Thanks so much for any replies and ideas

GypsyMoth Thu 24-Sep-09 18:54:22

can i refer you to there forum is good for this sort of thing,they know there stuff over there

can you provide ex with a mobile to call ds on?

can you arrange that your ex calls your home once a week inbetween his contact times in exchange for the odd call to you when ds goes away with dad?

would he compromise?

UnrequitedSkink Thu 24-Sep-09 19:17:42

I really feel for you, what an awful situation to be in... How old is your DS? Can you get him a pre-pay mobile with your number programmed in so he can call you as he likes? Or will his dad forcibly remove it?

Madascheese Thu 24-Sep-09 19:42:03

Ilovetiffany, thanks I'm a regular there but this has even tthe lovely wikipeeps stumped

DS is 3 so a little young his own phone (or to know what to do with it)

I've no problem with his dad calling DS, in fact I wish he would tbh (but the problem with that is that is would defeat the object which is to make me suffer)

Just has horrible bedtime, where DS is saying 'Don't make me go tomorrow, I don't want to go Mummy' and crying his heart out and I have to make him go. *feels devastated for DS and pretty heartbroken for self*

GypsyMoth Thu 24-Sep-09 19:49:16

back to court for a variation then?

are they staying with ex's family? if so,a sympathetic family member maybe?

tough one,but if wikipeeps can't help then i doubt its solvable!!

thumbwitch Thu 24-Sep-09 19:50:00

how awful for you!
No advice other than what UnrequitedSkink suggested - but if you think he is too young to handle it, then it won't work. Shame because you could even send him text messages to tell him you're still there and love him etc.

What about giving him a machine that has a recording of your voice telling him how much you love him and are waiting for him to come back? Then at least he can hear your voice when he is sad, even if he can't talk to you.

This makes me so cross - poor little boy - what is the point of the courts doing this kind of thing to very small children?angry

mamas12 Thu 24-Sep-09 19:53:55

So sorry for your awful predicament.
Take a look slugs suggestion on your other thread and do it tonight or do it later on and send it to him with his name on it to the place he is staying.
Actually send anything to where he is staying. e.g. balloons, cake look through the 'yellow pages' type thing of the country he is going to and try to send something to him.
But most of all do the stories.
Hope someone can come up with something legally binding for you.

mamas12 Thu 24-Sep-09 19:54:48

If your ex tells you this is overkill just say if you you are able to speak to lo on the phone you wouldn't be like that.

Madascheese Fri 25-Sep-09 05:24:48

Thanks so much for your suggestions, they have helped much more than you know.

Variations not an option atm as we're just about to agree the final consent order (guess what phone contact is one of my options for the final order - I think he's just being an arse whilst he still can!)

Thanks again, you'd think I'd be more able to manage it after 2 1/2 years huh but some days it just gets on top of me.

mumonthenet Fri 25-Sep-09 11:15:54


I am so sad reading this - for you and for your ds.

I can see that at the moment you seem to have no alternative but to send ds.

The only other thing I can suggest, if he hasn't already left, is to give him something of yours...a scarf, or something that smells of you, and tell him that this is to remind him that you are thinking of him and missing him etc...

Would this work? Hope all goes well.

Madascheese Fri 25-Sep-09 12:33:17


Thanks , I try to avoid talking about me missing him if I can, I tend to say I'm looking forward to him coming home iykwim, just think he gets enough pressure from Dad without feeling Mummy us also upset. And am anything of mine given to him would be handed back at the airport by ex who has said he will do that if DS tries to take more than 2 small toys. It's just sickening, I'm just back from taking him now and feeling a bit sad..still only 10 days til he's back

mumonthenet Sat 26-Sep-09 11:03:01

yep, you are quite right, to tell him you're missing him might put pressure on him to worry about you....

So, start looking forward to him coming back! Hope the time passes quick for you.


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