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Ex-partner - can he force this?

(23 Posts)
celerysticks Fri 12-Feb-21 09:47:10

Bit of a long one but bear with me I really need some advice.

ExH and I split up in 2016 - my decision, hadn't been happy for a while, not resolvable. He had his head in the clouds and thought everything was fine so was obviously gutted and things were a bit raw and difficult for a few months but he quickly met someone else and all it all calmed down and we've been very amicable for the kids since then
At the time our children were 3 and 6ish (now 8 and 11)
As part of our divorce, he agreed to allow me to remain in the marital home, on the condition that I pay the full mortgage and he still gets 50% of the equity at the point of sale or when I'm in a position to buy him out. Despite paying the mortgage and managing fine by myself, on paper mortgage companies say I can't afford it by myself so his name has stayed on the mortgage meaning he's having to rent as he can't go get a second mortgage (from what I can gather)
It was agreed that he can request to be taken off the mortgage/ paid out upon any of the following events; someone else moving in here for more than a year, me re-marrying or our youngest child turning 18

I should add here that we had a joint holiday home by the coast which we shared with his sister (no mortgage - his Dad purchased it as an early inheritance gift sort of thing) which he kept as I felt it was unfair to push for anything out of this as it really was intended for him and his sister and he pays no CM as we have the kids 60/40 (me 60, him 40) and in his eyes he pays an equal share of their keep this way.
I pay for all childcare despite it falling on the days he's meant to have the children. I don't need childcare on my days as I work from home. I also can't remember the last time he contributed to any of the children's extra curricular activities or winter coats/ shoes etc
In his eyes all the above is "fair" because he has to pay rent which is dead money and there's no return on it, but I've got the house ... and yes, I agreed to it and I'm just quietly getting on with things.
Anyway, when we first split he was renting a lovely 3 bedroom detached house about 5 minutes away which his Mum owns outright. It was secure and a home for life if he'd so wished. He met someone who already has 3 children and they decided to get somewhere together so are now in a rented 5 bedroom house. Obviously, the rental costs for him have increased massively.
I have since met someone (been together about 3 years) and during the events of last year he ended up unofficially moving in due to lockdown and we've only very recently made it official.
He has a mortgage on a property that his parents live in and cover the mortgage costs on but he doesn't make any profit from it. He also has some debts that he's working hard to clear from before we met. We had said to my ex-H last year that we'd be hopefully in a position to buy him out in 24 months as my current partner really needs to clear his debts before looking at putting his current mortgage onto a buy to let. Ex-H seemed ok with this but has now had a text from his landlady saying she wants to sell his current house and he's now pushing for us to get him off the mortgage using the fact that he knows my partner has been staying here.
I want him off the mortgage, and we're doing everything we can to make it happen but realistically we're looking at 18-24 months. He's saying he can't wait that long.

I have said to him that my partner can just move back out and then he'll have to just wait til our youngest turns 18 if it comes to it, but he just keeps threatening to take me to court....


OP’s posts: |
Collaborate Fri 12-Feb-21 10:13:00

According to the settlement you agreed when you divorced (presumably a consent order) you now have to buy him out (or will have to soon as you'll have been living with your partner for 12 months). Forget this nonsense about "unofficially" living with someone. You were living with him whether you declared it or not.

He is entitled to expect the property to be sold. Equally you are entitled to ask the CMS to set the level of maintenance, and stop paying for childcare when the children are with him. This may enable you to afford to buy him out.

Farahilda Fri 12-Feb-21 10:26:56

If he moved in for first lockdown, then the 12 month period is up next month and under the terms of your agreement the provision earthy should be sold and he is in no way unreasonable in expecting this to happen.

Other aspects of the order, and his subsequent living arrangements are simply not relevant. The order says the house can be sold when you have been cohabiting for a year, that time is nearly up and you need to deal with that.

So your choices, as you cannot buy him out, are to sell up and move to somewhere you and DP can afford, or to see him in court as he suggests

And yes, revisit the child maintenance and recognise that is a separate issue. In particular it seems unfair that you are paying for childcare on his days.

MotherExtraordinaire Fri 12-Feb-21 12:20:06

Ultimately, you agreed to these terms. Now, regardless of whether he moves out or n, he's lived there 12 months.
Your ohs situation is irrelevant to the situation and ex under no need to consider it.

However, if you're paying the childcare bill, transfer this to the ex. And apply for child maintenance. It's not you're entitled to this.

Cm is ciutbed towards mortgage income.

HazelWong Fri 12-Feb-21 12:56:44

How much is the childcare for an 8 and 11 year old? Presumably just after school club? I don't think you should be paying for it but it's probably quite a small amount compared to his rent.

0000pserr0r500 Fri 12-Feb-21 12:58:17

"Someone else moving in for more than a year"

You remain in the marital property
Your exH rents
You share child care
Both have new partners

Time to make a clean financial split

Why should your exH be worse off than you ?

It's time to make a clean divorce

RandomMess Fri 12-Feb-21 13:01:19

Start claIming CMS it won't be much but it will count as income towards your mortgage affordability.

You have been very naive. He should be getting 50% of the value of the property when you split/agreement date especially as you have the DC 60% of time.

Yes you need to abide by the financial agreement.

dontdisturbmenow Fri 12-Feb-21 13:16:00

Why are you paying childcare? Is it because you claim tax credits for it. If that's the case, fair enough that you'd pay, if not, it's ridiculous.

In regards to maintenance, are you receiving CB for both children, in which case, it could potentially balance out?

The terms of the divorce are clear you now need to buy him out or sale. It might be heartbreaking but ultimately, it will mean the end if you paying for a property fully when he gets hard if the equity so a blessing in the long run.

celerysticks Fri 12-Feb-21 13:32:19

I want the clean financial split, I really do and I'm looking into how we can do it. I guess my point is that selling the house may take just as long as the time it's going to take us to get ourselves into a position to be able to buy him out and it seems crazy to disrupt the children if it's not really necessary.

As for the childcare thing, originally I was claiming tax credits hence why I paid for it but I don't claim those since my partner living here.

I'm not trying to get out of what was agreed, I want it just as much as him I've just asked him to try and give us the time to get the money in place.

Thanks for your responses

OP’s posts: |
prh47bridge Fri 12-Feb-21 14:07:25

You can negotiate with him about timing. Nothing wrong with that. But, if he is unhappy with your proposals, he can enforce the original order.

BoomBoomsCousin Sat 13-Feb-21 06:34:32

"I'm not trying to get out of what was agreed, I want it just as much as him I've just asked him to try and give us the time to get the money in place."

But you didn't agree to you being able to have as much time as you needed after you'd met someone else to try and get the money in place. You agreed that if someone moved in for more than 12 months you would sell. And you knew that when your DP moved in.

I tend to agree that your Ex is being a bit of an ass not being more flexible. But he seems to only want to be flexible when it's clearly a gift from you to him, and you can't force anything else.

So stop wishing he would be flexible, face up to the agreement you've made and make it work for you. Tell your ex you are in no position to buy just yet so your DP is going to move back out, you're going to start claiming for the CM you're due and stop paying for the childcare so you can save better and clear things up as fast as possible.

celerysticks Sat 13-Feb-21 10:43:30

@BoomBoomsCousin that's the road I'm going to have to go down, thank you.
It's all come at a really difficult time that's all. Earnings are low for both me and DP at the moment due to Covid so applying for a mortgage isn't ideal.
Anyway, as you said I need to get real and I'll have to have the conversation with exH about the CM and childcare... I know he's going to kick off about that as he'll think I'm trying to be difficult but he can't have it both ways

OP’s posts: |
Quartz2208 Sat 13-Feb-21 10:48:26

The thing is he isn’t paying by dead money rent you together are paying a mortgage and rent (if that makes sense)

You need to stop feeling guilty and get a clean break including the holiday home as an asset. Proper legal advice to do the clean split and get child maintenance and an agreement in childcare being on who has them

AmySosa Sat 13-Feb-21 10:50:00

Well you’ve been totally fucked over.

I don’t understand how as resident parent you only ended up with 50% equity of one asset, and zero of another. You shouldn’t be paying for childcare on his days and you should be getting maintenance from him.

I’m amazed a judge agreed to the financial split tbh.

Shehasadiamondinthesky Sat 13-Feb-21 10:59:10

What an appalling mess. I would personally always go for a clean break consent order at the time of divorce regardless and CMA. Did you get solicitors advice for any of this?

celerysticks Sat 13-Feb-21 11:02:19

Yes it was all done via a solicitor although he did advise me to push for more.
I guess I was scared, felt guilty and just wanted it over with at the time so I agreed to exH's terms.

All my friends and family say I've been screwed over but ex doesn't see it that way at all, he insists it's fair

OP’s posts: |
Thissucksmonkeynuts Sat 13-Feb-21 11:35:48

His landlady can text all she likes, but until she correctly serves notice, the clock hasn't started ticking on his tenacy.

prh47bridge Sat 13-Feb-21 14:10:02


His landlady can text all she likes, but until she correctly serves notice, the clock hasn't started ticking on his tenacy.

He is still entitled to enforce the order regardless of the state of his tenancy.

HazelWong Sat 13-Feb-21 15:45:27


Well you’ve been totally fucked over.

I don’t understand how as resident parent you only ended up with 50% equity of one asset, and zero of another. You shouldn’t be paying for childcare on his days and you should be getting maintenance from him.

I’m amazed a judge agreed to the financial split tbh.

I don't think it's quite fair but it's not hideously unfair either. The holiday home was basically his early inheritance, if he had inherited it after the divorce, it would have been 100% his so I can see the POV that morally it's not really a marital asset.

The OP is only marginally the resident parent as she has them 60% of the time.

He should be paying maintenance and childcare on his days but with having them 40% of the time and their ages, I doubt the maintenance and childcare costs are that high. He then also has to pay rent and can't buy a property until the OP can get a mortgage with someone else so his costs will be higher.

As I say, it feels slightly unfair but not radically so.

BoomBoomsCousin Sat 13-Feb-21 16:43:07

Childcare might not be hideous now (though you can’t really leave an 8 year old alone all day during school holidays if you’re working) , but they split 5 years ago when the kids were 3 and 6, so childcare would have been hideously expensive then.

Avidreader12 Mon 15-Feb-21 07:59:08

You say despite being able to pay the mortgage your lender says you can’t afford it by yourself. Have you gone to broker like L&C I was in similar I could easily afford our joint mortgage had a lump sum to give my ex to buy out as thought it was fair our mortgage company flat out refused to help the wouldn’t even lend me a penny! I remortgaged with the Halifax which were happy to do it with informal family based maintaince, my low wages and based on previous conduct. My point is sometimes mortgage companies can hinder things make sure you check every option out and don’t accept what one mortgage company says they don’t speak for everyone!!

celerysticks Tue 16-Feb-21 17:01:21

Thank you @Avidreader12
I've been in touch with a mortgage advisor and they're looking into it for me so will go from there

OP’s posts: |
BlueThistles Thu 25-Feb-21 04:24:31

how are you getting on OP 🌺

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