My DC have disclosed physical and emotional abuse when visiting exH, what happens now?

[Finals1234]

My DD3 (age 7) told school she is scared of dad on her visits to him, and he hits her and her sisters. DD2 (age 10) was then also questioned and corroborated the story. DD1 (age 12) is at high-school, and although she hasn't been hit she is scared of him.

Police and social workers have come to talk to them at home - police want to question him and potentially charge him, but if he denies or states no comment then the case will be dropped. So they have asked if I would allow the children to give video evidence instead.

DDs are scared of him and don't want him to know they have raised a complaint - they say they would prefer he carries on as before (hitting, emotional abuse) rather than him knowing they have said this about him, especially as he is sometimes nice so the situation is confusing for them.

Social worker is more concerned/concentrated on the emotional impact and said she will support us with getting child contact orders in place (we don't have any custody arrangements, the DDs have lived with me since I left 5 years ago and he has never contested this), although they have seen him regularly throughout this time.

I am considering them giving video evidence if they are happy with this but having read up online it looks like they would also need to be cross-examined in court, is this right? In this case I am not sure I want to put them through this.

[Winterdaysarehere]

My dc gave video evidence against an abuser. She would never have been expected to be in the court room.
Therapist said the way for dc to recover is to see action being taken.
Take it as far as you can op.
Imo it's your duty as a dm.
Could you really carry on sending them voluntarily?

[Finals1234]

Sorry to hear about your dc having to do that @Winterdaysarehere

Could you really carry on sending them voluntarily?
I don't think I will ever send them alone again.
I am scared that the case might go to court and he gets away with it and then I am ordered to carry on sending them unsupervised. but if that happens then I would just not send them or insist on him meeting them with me present in a restart or something.

My dc gave video evidence against an abuser. She would never have been expected to be in the court room
Are they in the same building? Did the abuser get to see her give evidence? I said yes to the police at the time but I think I misunderstood them. They had said they need the video evidence first before they speak to him so I thought the girls would just do one interview in the station now and then that's it. I am afraid of them being cross-examined by a barrister as I already went through that when I divorced him and it was terrifying. I don't think I want to put them through that, especially if there is a chance of him getting off, the stress on them would have been for nothing then.

I think its complicated as he is their dad and they do love him (well DD1 and DD3 do) so partly they don't want to do this and face his reaction but also they feel guilty for doing this even though its not their fault.

Imo it's your duty as a dm
Yes I agree, it is. He was physically abusive to me and I am still scared of him which clouds my decision. But my duty is also to not traumatise my children.

[blackcat86]

Can you speak to SS about any concerns that you have. They should be able to refer to other agencies that can support your DC but equally they need to support you with next steps.

[Finals1234]

I am waiting for them to call me back, this only happened last week and I saw the police and SS for the first time on Thursday.

The SS did say they would call me on Friday but they didn't.

I think the police are planning to see the DDs at school this week, and then they will discuss the option of video evidence with me again, so I have been reading a bit and trying to form a decision but trying to stay calm and not get too scared based on my experiences with financial agreements with exH in court (which was horrendous).

Police seem to be moving quite quickly, I don't want this to drag on over months if it does happen so the kids can have it over and done with quickly.

He does live far away now (2h away) and only sees them in school holidays, so every 6 weeks or so, so I do have some breathing time from him. It's all quite shocking and a bit of a blur already.

Above all else I just want my girls to come out ok after this is over. I don't know if them growing up knowing they testified against their father will damage them more than it will help them. I don't want to damage them more than they already are by him.

[Winterdaysarehere]

Dc gave evidence weeks if not months before. Not even in the building. We sat in a room with court support (forgotten name).

[Finals1234]

Dc gave evidence weeks if not months before. Not even in the building. We sat in a room with court support (forgotten name).

So no cross-examining, just one day going to a nice room and having a chat with police and then its all over and done for them?

[blackcat86]

Its worth calling the SS team to see if the worker your saw is there or if you can have a quick chat with the duty worker to discuss your concerns. I really feel for you and your poor DC, it sounds like you're doing all the right things. I think its completely valid to say that you want to support your children but worry about retaliation and having to send them again.

[Finals1234]

SS are not replying but I have left a message with them and the police to give me a call back to discuss the process a bit more clearly.

[Winterdaysarehere]

Dc gave video evidence the same day abuse disclosed. Court was months after and dc went to school.

[PurpleFrames]

Please do persue this with the police- it sends a strong message that

1- violence is not acceptable (no matter who does it) and
2- they are believed and loved

[Singlenotsingle]

It's not mandatory to go to court. Just don't let them go to see their df any more. If he gets difficult or applies for a defined contact order, you could tell him at that stage why he's not going to see them any more, unless supervised maybe?

[Autumnfields]

but if he denies or states no comment then the case will be dropped. I cannot believe this, I have no legal background however this is shocking!

Your kids should not be around there and I would be fighting tooth and nail to keep them away for their Dad.

[Autumnfields]

Yes of course I would be encouraging my kids if it were me to give evidence and also backing them up 100% to not see their father and doing everything possible. Fear of retaliation is giving them the idea that they need to keep silent about harm -

• we are talking about how to give your kids the sense that they can speak up, they have boundaries, they will be believed and supported. They will be of higher risk of problematic relationships for their whole lives and with their own children - but the fact they’ve spoken up already shows they are already starting to see what is right and wrong - they are being brave and strong so please do support them to continue to be brave and strong and show them a mother who will stand up high and totally support that.
  

Obviously you may need police, SS and charity advice on how to do this in the safest way possible and so will your kids. Domestic abuse charities will have lots of advice and so will the police I imagine.

[safariboot]

it looks like they would also need to be cross-examined in court, is this right?

This could only happen if it went to a court case and their father contested the claims. Cross-examination is being questioned by the opposing barrister which of course can't happen until the court case. In any case there are tight guidelines on cross-examination of minors and for criminal cases it's normally a video recording done away from the court room.

Personally I doubt there will be any criminal charges. Unless you're in Scotland, it's not yet illegal for a parent to hit their child. But the family courts may take notice so it's good if your children can make the statements now for that reason.

[safariboot]

PS: "Unless you're in Scotland, it's not yet illegal for a parent to hit their child"

To be clear, I don't mean to say that their father isn't being abusive. I mean that if he's questioned by the police or prosecuted, he can easily claim he was 'just smacking them' and minimise it.

[TooTrusting]

DC will be videoed away from a police station, in a room which will be furnished like a living room. I'm not sure if you can even see the camera, if you can it's quite subtle (both me and my DS2 were video interviewed a couple of years ago).

I don't think this will be the end of the DC's involvement. But if they are required to give evidence it would be remotely and they will not have to see your ex. They would not be cross examined as an adult would, they won't be haranged or tied up in knots. The police can help you by answering these questions, they will know. Just tell them you feel in the dark and need to know what the process is. In cases of DV you get assigned a lay person employed by the police to advocate for you, to assist you through the process, to advise you and to answer all your questions - as this is DV against children, the DCs (and you as their parent) must be entitled to the same, or something equivalent. The police just haven't explained it to you (or they did, but you had so much going on you didn't take it in).

Women's Aid CHYPS team may also be able to help (that's a special arm of WA just for children and young persons and they offer counselling etc).

[Finals1234]

Personally I doubt there will be any criminal charges. Unless you're in Scotland, it's not yet illegal for a parent to hit their child.

The charge would be for common assault as he used an implement to hit them with on two occasions. We are based in London.

[Finals1234]

It's not mandatory to go to court. Just don't let them go to see their df any more.

I’m not instigating this, the CPS are, so they are taking the charges forward and going to court if needed, not me.

[Finals1234]

DC will be videoed away from a police station, in a room which will be furnished like a living room. I'm not sure if you can even see the camera, if you can it's quite subtle

Thank you, this is how they explained it but there was so much running through my mind I am not convinced this is what they meant by it. I should have asked more questions but it kind of went over my head at the time, it’s only just sinking in.

[Finals1234]

In cases of DV you get assigned a lay person employed by the police to advocate for you, to assist you through the process, to advise you and to answer all your questions - as this is DV against children, the DCs (and you as their parent) must be entitled to the same, or something equivalent.

There was no mention of a layperson to help me, I think that’s exactly what I need.

[Finals1234]

we are talking about how to give your kids the sense that they can speak up, they have boundaries, they will be believed and supported. They will be of higher risk of problematic relationships for their whole lives and with their own children - but the fact they’ve spoken up already shows they are already starting to see what is right and wrong - they are being brave and strong so please do support them to continue to be brave and strong and show them a mother who will stand up high and totally support that

I am really, really trying to be this person for them. We are a really loving and supportive unit and I just want to protect them from this. I don’t want to see my 7 year old being damaged by this process, or my 10 year old who tells me she hates her dad, or my 12 year old who thinks he is fine and she can manage his behaviour by adjusting her own.

[Finals1234]

But if they are required to give evidence it would be remotely and they will not have to see your ex.

This is good to know, they really really don’t want to see him.

[TickTockBaby]

If your DC are school age OP have you considered speaking with the school nursing team assigned to their a hooks for info/ support. They are also really valuable in signposting your any and all other agencies (voluntary and otherwise) they feels maybe helpful for you as a family.
🌸

[Finals1234]

If your DC are school age OP have you considered speaking with the school nursing team assigned to their a hooks for info/ support.

Yes, I am really lucky that both schools have in-house counsellors who I can speak to. The younger two have been offered weekly sessions and daily check ins by their counsellor - I have heard really good things about her from another parent.

High school have a self-referral system, which oldest DD was adamant she doesn’t want to go to. However she is coming round to the idea. She was very teary coming back from her last visit to him and I couldn’t figure out why - she said she didn’t know herself. Since the disclosure has come out she has actually been a lot better and gone back to being her normal relaxed self. She says he didn’t hit her, just her sisters, but she is definitely still fearful of him, his actions towards her seem to be emotionally manipulative more than physical and I think she is finding it hard to admit to herself what he is like.

[TooTrusting]

I was assigned one for DV. They are called DVA - domestic violence advocate. She made contact with me. When I wanted to contact her I phoned the DV police number, she worked out of their building. Call your assigned officer and ask. I was also given a leaflet which explained what support I was entitled to and how to access it. The police contacted Women's Aid, who also got in touch with me.
The video evidence was taken in a building that wasn't a police station and had no identifying signs outside. The room had a sofa and plants and coffee table. One officer in plain clothes asking the questions, other officer in the room next door operating the video (who you could not see). For child witnesses it will be very carefully and sympathetically done.
Someone will have to go with DC - my friend did it for me. I can't remember if that was because they interviewed DS2 at the same time as me, or if they felt it was inappropriate if I went.