Abusive ex trying to get full custody :( help

[banino5]

Hi! Sorry for the long post but I'm hoping to see if anyone else has been through this or similar that has any advice to offer!!

I was with my ex for 5 years, we split in June and honestly it's been the messiest break up ever!

I left him because he cheated the whole 5 years, including with my friend while I was in the house, he cheated when I was pregnant and gave me an STI, (also never told me until I got symptoms and had to have a csection). He mentally abused me, did nothing but insult me and question my ability as a mother. He emotionally abused me too, and had sex with me on a number of occasions while I slept. Nevertheless, he was actively a dad and I couldn't fault anything he did.

Since we split up, I was homeless for 3 months because at the time I was living in his mums house, and I couldn't stay there any longer as I was continuously bullied. So I stayed on a friends couch. He's now re-engaged and has a child due in July.

All he has done since is brain wash our 5 year old. My son screams and cries when I collect him (only if it's from his dads house) never from school. My son spends 4 nights a week with me and 3 with his dad. Every single time I go he tells me he doesn't want to come, which results in me picking him up and putting him in the car, which my ex thrives from.

When me and my son talks about it he always tells me that he cans speak about me when he's at daddy's because he'll shout, his dad tells him he doesn't like him coming to my house because he gets "too upset". My ex is very very clever.

I received court papers through the post a few weeks ago, where by my ex is trying to take full custody. I knew he was going to do this as he threatens me all the time with it. I'm terrified the judge will year my son say he wants to spend more time with his dad and me loose my custody because of what his dad had put in his head!

Am I doing something wrong? Am I not fun enough? Should I let him go to his dads more like he wants?? Deep down I know I shouldn't give his dad anymore than 3 days a week but am I going to loose anyway when I go to court???

[RedHelenB]

Can you not bribe him a bit? Look what surprises I ve got waiting in the car so he goes without tantruming.

A court is loath to change the status quo so I'd be surprised if he got full custody. And as your child is very young he won't get a say really. Its viewed as being in a child's best interest to have good contact with both parents

[banino5]

I actually did that last week and it worked so well with a particular brand of toys my son had been asking for, when I went back the following week, my son said his dad had brought him all of them toys so I didn't have too..he obviously thought I'd do it again and kind of beat me too it. His dad also confronted me and said I shouldn't be bribing him to come with him he should be doing it anyway...I just feel as thought he's completely brain washed him and now I'm starting to doubt myself completely :(

[bibliomania]

Hi OP,

I've been through something similar. Don't despair. As much as possible, arrange for handovers not to be direct from one parent to another, but indirect, such as one parent dropping at school and the other parent collecting.

I wouldn't worry too much about the bribery - if there are direct handovers, just be patient and know that they are going to be difficult. You don't have to be the fun parent, but just be loving and consistent. It's hard for one parent to alienate a child from the other parent when they have consistent, loving contact with that parent.

Don't let him go to his dad's more than he currently has. Red is right that courts don't like changing the status quo. If they think that you're a decent parent, it's not likely that they'll change it to have your son live full-time with his father.

Don't let your ex get inside your head - that's what he's trying to do. Be calm, loving and consistent with your son. You can get through this. Your ex might lose interest once the new baby comes along, especially if you're not rising to his provocation.

[banino5]

That is what we usually do, we never usually have to see eachother but the school holidays are rough when I have to go to pick him up, it's not neutral ground either it's like going into a lions den! But thank you, everything you said made me feel so much better. I'm just trying not to panic now and let the court decide. Really hoping they just leave it as it is ♥️

[Easterbunnynearlyhere]

No judge would allow a 5yo to decide where they lived! Stay strong op.

[banino5]

I think I'm panicking more because my ex is constantly saying because my son doesn't want to be with me that they'll listen to him! I'm absolutely hoping so though thank you!

[bibliomania]

No, the courts won't just take his word for it. If it goes to a full court hearing, they will appoint CAFCASS, and you'll be able to explain to CAFCASS that your ex is being consistently negative about you to your ds. They do understand the issue, and will talk to others such as school. Thinking long-term, it is important to let the school know what's going on. They'll be concerned about your ds's emotional wellbeing and will keep an eye out for him. If it ever does get to court, it will be really helpful if they can confirm to CAFCASS that you're a good parent who is looking out for her dc and that any concerns do seem to relate to the father.

[banino5]

Cafcass have already had a court order to do an assessment. I have spoken to the school but here is where it gets abit tricky. My ex's mum works at the school, and has been for the past 20 years. So even though I've been in on a number of occasions I really dont get listened too. They've had to tell her twice to stop saying things to my son in school. It's things like "your daddy has brought you this for when you come home" and then my son comes home from school wanting to go there because of what she has said. So although it's sad it's come to this, I just hope they listen to what I'm saying because at the minute I just feel like I'm fighting an uphill battle and failing at every turn!

[bibliomania]

HI OP, that's unfortunate about ex's mum, but on the other hand it's good that the school have spoken to her about being inappropriate. It suggests that they might have a reasonably good idea of the underlying dynamic.

My experience with CAHMS was generally pretty reasonable. Show that you're a good parent, that you put your dis first, and although you have concerns about your ex, you're not playing tit-for-tat, and it really should be okay.