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Advice RE child contact , rape & divorce(22 Posts)
This may be a bit long so sorry if it is.
I have 2 DC 1 is 6 other is 3. Stbexh is the father of the youngest and has been the father figure of the eldest since they were 1.
He was using my car, coming to my house and using my things here etc to see the children since we split in April.
On one of these occasions in May, I fell asleep and he proceeded to rape me. He has since stated this was an "accident" and that he thought I was "up for it as my trousers were undone and past my bum" (They weren't when I fell asleep. When I had awakened I told him to leave and then realised he put the children upstairs in their room with dinner telling them it was bedtime (eldest said) it was about 4:30.
Ever since that things have been strained, I've tried to keep things as normal as possible for the kids but it just got harder with his constant attempts to try and get back together, to have physical contact and justify why he did what he did.
Within a few weeks, he had a new girlfriend and I stupidly thought he would move on. On one occasion he went through my laptop whilst I was out, he's gone through my underwear drawer and sent me pictures of my underwear wrapped around his junk.
After this, I said set days where he took them out would be better for everyone to which he only agreed to if he could use my car, yet still he would come sit in my house to see them and only took them out occasionally.
It came to blows last week when he announced he wanted to put my eldest in a sport they would hate because he had been discussing it with his girlfriend of a few weeks and they thought it would be great for the children to bond? I obviously disagreed and voiced why to which he stated he wanted them in that sport because he wants to "kick the fairy" out of the eldest. (The eldest doesn't like things like football, rugby etc or getting dirty and that apparently makes him gay)
I disagreed and said I wouldn't put him in something he hates and that he really shouldn't be discussing the children and things with someone other than me at this point.
I told him there would be no more contact at my house and he needed to take them out, play with them etc and offered him the contact of a day with each child on their own as well as a day with them both and stated he could have an overnight that night as well if he wanted.
He said he would only do if i dropped them off and picked them up to which I said I would agree to if he paid petrol for the drops off and he refused. He also refused overnights due to living with his mother and although the girlfriend can stay over the boys cant as it's "not fair" somehow.
He decided he wouldn't see the boys now until he had his own car (he's been getting one since April but never done it) He can afford taxis but doesn't want to pay for them.
The children especially the eldest miss their dad which I can understand and preferably I want something drawn up that's legal. I was wondering;
- what type of contact he is likely to get and would I be made to every drop-off and pick up for it?
- Would his reason for no overnights be a valid reason
- is there somewhere I can report the rape without getting the police involved? I would obviously like it on record in case of going to court for contact and it is listed as the reason for our divorce which he doesn't dispute .
Seek legal advice regarding contact.
And confiding in a rl friend may give you the push to report him.
My exh raped me and I bitterly regret not phoning the police.
He isn't a good person to have around your dc imo.
I'm not keen on going to the police due to not wanting it to affect the children. I'd rather they not know their dad is a rapist.
I told a friend and she told me the other day that she had asked if we were getting back together and he told her that he raped me.
It isn't you reporting him to the police that will affect the children. It's their father raping their mother.
Please, you seem so detached, as if you don't think you matter.
Talk to your GP. Talk about getting counselling for you. They won't make you go to the police, but you really should reconsider that decision yourself.
Please read back what you've wrote and imagine it was your sister, daughter or friend. What would you tell them to do?
I'm so sorry for what you are going through.
I know it's a horrible, stresful and traumatic thing to do but you absolutely HAVE to report this.
For all you know he could go on to do this to other women, for all you know he has done it before. Every time a victim doesn't report a rape - the perpetrator finds it that little bit easier to do it again. By reporting this you may save another women from going through the same thing.
Secondly, he absolutely should not be around children. If I found out that my mother let me around a rapist as a child I would be livid. Children need positive role models in their lives, not rapists.
Police and social workers are surprisingly very supportive about this, so please to hesitate to seek help. They will advise you on how to stop contact, how to talk to the children about cutting off contact and how to look after yourself financially.
Sorry this has happened to OP. Your ex is an utter scumbag.
Rape Crisis are brilliant. They won't pressure you into reporting if you don't want to but can tell you what your options are plus offer legal advice and counselling if you want it.
Please report this either to police or gp or a charity support group who can assist you. You sound in shock. Someone who can do this , esp when the kids were in the house, is not someone you want around them.
Your children need you and getting help will protect you physically and mentally.
I hope your ok OP
Imo your dc will find out in time who he is. They need protection from him now.
I guess I don't want it to seem I went to the police because of the latest argument where he said he won't see them.
And it happened two months isn't it a bit late? There wont be forensic evidence but there will be text messages where he's said it was an accident etc and obviously when he told my friend he did it.
Yes that text would be used as evidence.
Most victims wait a while before reporting rape, the courts are well aware of this.
Why are you worried that he won't see the kids? That's a good thing. Children should not be around rapists or sex offenders.
I'm not worried about it, it's more like the eldest child keeps crying saying he misses him etc and it's hard to deal with
You can't let him hold that threat over you to keep you in line.
Call his bluff. If he actually does stop seeing them, he'd have done it sooner or later anyway.
I spoke to rape crisis and then reported it to the police
Thank you for the push
Well doneOP. That must have been really hard to do.
Well done OP, that was so brave if you. The kids and you deserve to be safe and you should consider if he is safe to be around them. Eldest isn’t his so he has no rights to contact/access. If you want him to see them without you there are contact centres with staff who will help yr kids be safe, but I suggest you give yrself some space from him and just concentrate on you and kids. If in future you want to arrange contact then you can consider how etc.
Be kind to yrself, kids need you not some nasty rapist bullying them!!
Well done for kicking him to touch!
The lady I spoke to at Rape Crisis made me realise I hadn't actually dealt with it. I just proceeded to carry on as if nothing had happened in an effort to forget and make sure the kids were okay.
I've had to buy a new, throw etc because everytime I sit on it it's what I Think of
He's a bloody rapist fuck him and him seeing the kids glad you've reported it now.
Well done OP. Sometimes we need a little push to do the right thing.
I hope the police tell the girlfriend, as she is really at risk living with him...
Sending good vibes to you and the kids. Please surround yourself with your loves ones for as much as possible. Xx
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