Separation - I have moved out 4 nights a week. Will I lose the kids?

[NancyIris]

Posting here as posted in Divorce and Separation and have been terrified by responses.

Told DH I wanted to separate 8 months ago. He asked me to leave. I felt incredibly guilty and had feelings for someone else so agreed to give him space. Rented small flat locally where I am 4 nights per week. Other 3 in family home.

I am at family home every day 7am to 7:30-8:00pm take kids to school 2 days per week, collect them every afternoon bring them home, clean cook their tea etc.

DH does not want to sell house. He cannot afford to buy me out so is offering me 40% of my equity (20% of total) to buy somewhere.

If I don’t agree to this could he say he is main carer and resident and I get nothing and he gets kids?

I pay him maintenance. Otherwise he could not afford to live here. I used to work part time but have upped hours to full time since separation. I finish early at 3 every day to collect kids.

[QuiteLikely5]

I’m afraid that he would be classed as the resident parent as he lives with the kids and collects maintenance for them.

Your set up must be very confusing for the children and undo able in the long term

Move back home and ask him to leave?

Offer him the equity to put down in somewhere else

Otherwise accept that if this goes to court he is going to be the overall winner financially

[NancyIris]

I don’t care if he has a better deal financially but can he claim to be the main carer and claim custody and I see kids EOW when I am used to seeing them every day and doing school run etc?

[RebootYourEngine]

If the arrangements do change who will be doing what you are now? Ie the school drop offs/pick ups, making their tea etc.

[NancyIris]

He said last night they could go to after school club then he would pick them up and make tea at home when they got in I guess.

[Snowydaysarehere]

Is he likely to brainwash the dc that you left because you didn't want them anymore? My exh did this...
He also told them I was a prostitute to further damage our relationship. My advice would be to postpone your relationship with om and move back home. See a solicitor ASAP and get yourself and the dc a better deal long term.

[NotSureThisIsWhatIWant]

I’m afraid that as he spends 4 nights out of 7 with the kids, he is the resident parent. It doesn’t mater at all how much you care for them during the day, what counts is who is with them at night more often.

This doesn’t mean that you will “loose” the kids (hardly anybody does!) but if you are the lower earner you will loose the right to claim child benefit and tax credits.

[NotSureThisIsWhatIWant]

Drop the OM (if you are together) head back home and sit tight until you have arranged who is taking care of the children and how assets will be split.

[drspouse]

I don't think you are going to get different replies in here.

[RandomMess]

Your H spends every night with the DC as he doesn't move out for your 3 nights does he?

[meditrina]

If DH is there every night, and you are a family guest (who has a property elsewhere) then yes I expect he has a very clear case that he is the primary 7-nights-a-week parent. You do not have them at your flat at all.

Go and see a solicitor. If he cannot afford to buy you out, then it might be better to sell up and fund two properties which you can each afford. As he is primary care-giver, and you can already afford a property for yourself, then yes shares in the equity might be unequal (and not necessarily reflect the amount put in). Or he might seem an order allowing him, the primary care giver, to remain in the FMH with the DC until the reach 18/finish education. As you do not have them for any overnights, you may have to pay him maintenance.

But we cannot possibly tell you what might be reasonable in your circumstances - which is why you need to see a solicitor and get proper advice on your entire, individual circumstances. There may be important factors you have not mentioned that might change the picture considerably, which is why your need RL advice and - as you sound a little agitated - soon.

[ivehadtonamechangeforthis]

MOVE BACK IN!

Honestly OP my sister and her DH separated, she moved out because he refused to, she rented a flat, saw her 3 children everyday etc, he refused to move out/sell the home all very similar to you, he then surprised everyone by taking her to court for full custody of their three children (aged 7,10 and 14) and the right to stay in their 'jointly' owned family home and he won! No one could believe what he'd done or that the court decided in his favour! She is a nurse, no debts, financially responsible, he spent two weeks in a psychiatric hospital having a breakdown after they split (she stayed in the house whilst he was in hospital), he has debt, he earns less than she does. In court he alleged she'd 'abandoned' her children! She's even been forced to pay him child maintenance. He has completely screwed her and no one saw it coming! No one expected him to behave like he has.

[WitchesHatRim]

Move back home and ask him to leave?

Why should her DH leave? OP is having an affair.

[gillybeanz]

Unfortunately you left the family home, and your ex is the primary carer of the dc now.
The best you can ask for is 50/50 but if this is difficult/ not practical for the dc for school etc, you'll receive EOW, which is usual for the non resident parent.

[RandomMess]

OP has moved back in.